A few weeks ago, I had decided to cancel my subscription to this site, and to remove all of my images, blogs, and other posts. I realized that to an extent, that I was leading myself into a delusional state, remaining a member of this site.
To understand, you have to know a little about me. So please bare with me as I try to explain.
In 2007, I had a medical emergency, where I was hospitalized with multiple blood clots, and was diagnosed with a blood disorder called Lupus-Anticoagulans or Antiphospholipid Syndrome ("sticky blood" in layman's terms). It is a blood disorder that causes a person to spontaneously produce blood clots. Long story, short, I was hospitalized 13 times in 3 years with blood clots.
The first time I was hospitalized, I had lost about 85% of my respiratory capacity, caused from the shallow clots I had in each lung at the time. I have been "deemed" disabled by my physicians, and have been unable to work since then, and am now (barely) surviving, on a fixed income.
I lost my full time job, having been in and out of the hospital so often. I had to close my photography business and the studio with it. I lost my apartment, and had to move into a shelter, and from there into long-term, subsidized, housing. My girlfriend, at the time, left me. I've been single and alone (but not miserable) since. I also gained about 80 or so lbs, which didn't do too well for my self esteem, to say the least.
Prior to this, I had been an accomplished fashion and glamor photographer for nearly two decades. I had a studio in a great neighborhood, and location.
I had, the honor and pleasure of working with many beautiful young women. Some of them were established locally, and some of them were just getting their proverbial foot in the door, getting a start in the industry. I would help them put together their portfolios, headshots, comp cards, and other promotional material that they needed for interviews, and casting calls.
In the many years of this work, I had started to become desensitized to the beauty. The fashion and glamour photography became a chore. Different faces, different outfits, but the same old poses over and over again...
I became interested in more "artistic" styles of photography, to capture not just their facial beauty, but that of the entire female form, such as fine art, and figure studies. I would use the images for inspiration in my other artwork. Although I still did a majority of fashion and glamor photography to help make ends meet.
Well, after losing everything, and having been single for so long, I happened across this sight, and it's thousands, and thousands of beautiful women. I had found a new inspiration for getting back into photography, even if only as a hobby to start out with.
I started browsing the profiles, and came across some 120 (+/-) profiles out of the thousands that are on here. And of these, there were several that really stood out from the rest. These women had amazing, unique, and natural beauty, that set them apart from all the others, that left me, well, awestruck. I commented on their sets, photos and blogs and gave, what I hope was, encouragement.
A couple of these rare gems responded, and we started conversing, and exchanging e-correspondence. We got to know each other a little, and I offered what little support I could in the way of posting links to their pages, or upcoming sets, kind words, and encouragement, etc. I offered to photoshop images for them -- Or if I ever had the honor of meeting them, at some point, to possibly collaborate with them on a photoshoot.
I realized that after one posted pictures with her and her new beau, and after conversing with the other when she stated she was seeing someone, and that I was emotionally hurt or stricken, and getting jealous, (whhhhaaaaaaat?) that I was too emotionally attached, or had expected more than I thought, and I didn't realize it.
Maybe it's been the 8 1/2 years of celibacy, or just the plain lack of companionship, in general. I just don't know. It's not that I want to "get with" or "be with" any of these women, but having a ray of hope shouldn't be an issue, but thinking that I am even in the same class (or age group, for that matter) is a pipe dream.
Here I am with more health issues than I can shake a stick at... I'm old... I'm fat and I'm broke... what do I have to offer these women... seriously, except a few kind, but well deserved compliments, and words of wisdom and praise?
I am no longer in the photography business, my work needs some serious improvement, and I can barely support myself, much less anyone else. Where or how did I get to thinking that any one of these women would genuinely take an interest in me, either personally or professionally?
I know that for myself, I got a little too engrossed, or smitten with a couple of the women on this site, I realize that. If either of you read this, I apologize if I made things awkward or uncomfortable for you, that was not my intent...
Having realized that, I needed to take a step back and that is why I tried canceling my account and deleted all of my posts, photos, blogs, and such. I'm just wondering, that even with this realization, if I should continue to commiserate on this site or if I should just let it go?
