delores

i've had a really shitty few days.
last night i was going to clean up my room while watching Secretary as background noise... i went in the garge to look for this big role of trash bags that i knew was around the house somewhere...after looking around for a minute i turned to go back inside, when i caught a glimpse of my paintings in the corner of my eye. they (the two of them, the one posted as my header image, and the portrait i did of meg white) hang on a cork board in my garage, that's where i painted them last summer, and there's just no room inside my bedroom for them so that's just where they've stayed. so i see what looks like black paint splattered near the bottom of the leaking heart one, so i go look. it's not paint, it's holes. it was full of dart holes. we have a dart board in my garage, several feet from the cork board. my mom and her tweeker friends used to play darts in the garage all the time, but the board was broken for a while (it's electronic), but i guess my mom bought a new one recently. so yeah, i'm possitive it's little dart holes, and tears from removing the darts, or them being thrown and falling off.
my mom and/or her fucking friends ruined my paintings! most of the holes are in the one that is my header image. just a couple in the meg white one, but more than enough to destroy it.
i was so proud of these paintings. they were one of the few pieces of art that i've produced that i think is really good. that i was very proud of. i immedietly broke down in tears, stared sobbing. i took them down and put them in my room, and cried a whole lot more. i have no idea when this happened, i dont go into the garage all that much. just to get my mom for something or to find the stupid phone. just cant believe that she would do this, or allow it to be done.
i dont care if she was mad at me, it doesn't explain it. no matter how mad i've been at her, how mad she's made me, i've never ruined something of hers, especially something that she created herself, something she had so much pride in.
my mom knew exactly how proud i was of those things.
i can honestly say i am heart broken.
i dont even know how to confront her about it. i know she'll just shrug it off as nothing, tell me i'm overreacting like she always does. so now the photos i have posted in my albums are all i have left of the original paintings. there is absolutely no saving the originals, especially the leaking heart one.

i honestly dont know how to bring it up to her... i want to blow up at her, scream at her until i'm satisfied. but then i just want to show her how hurt i am by it too. to let her know how god damn proud i was of those (she already knows), and how selfish and cruel it was to do that, or let it be done.

there is NO WAY IN HELL that that was done by accident. the dart board is too far away, and besides, they're all pretty decent players. none of them would miss that damatically so many times. and even if it did happen once, by accident, my mom is the kind of person who would move the paintings out of harm's way after that.

this was a very personal thing to do. someone was very angry with me, or just plain wanted to be hurtful.
the only person i've been able to tell about this so far is a co-worker of mine, Kathleen. she came up to me near closing tonight and asked if i was ok. she noticed that i looked upset when i started my shift. so i told her what happend, i nearly started sobbing there and then.



the originals



how they look now.
there's more pictures of the damage in my random folder...


i've been so very lonely the past few days. i have no one to talk to, no one to hang out with. Heather still hasn't returned my call, kristin and i haven't spoken in like 3 weeks at least. i've just been sitting at home watching Secretary over and over again and cutting up magazines. i've almost finished covering a shoe box w/ woman's faces i've cut out of magazines. i've been crossing out the days on my wall calander as they go by. i've been taking nyquil to help me sleep, and i've been sleeping late into the day. tomorrow is my only day off for the whole week, and i have no idea what to do with myself. i cleaned out some old notebooks from my one semester at community college in 2003 (god that sounds soo long ago). i have a bag of trash sitting in my room, waiting to be taken out. i bleached a bunch of my whites this weekend. i watched Montel and Maurry this afternoon. seeing women who have been on upwards of 5 times (some 13 times), getting perternity (sp?) for their children.
yeah....see how sorry my life is?
you know your life is sad when being a paparazzi photographer sounds appealing.



p.s. i just added all the pics of the shindig at chris and barbies, and all the other pictures i've been putting off loading...