delilahjack

I've been instructed by a certain someone to update my journal. I'm resisting the urge to put a one word blog up because generally i'm completely at the mercy of other people. But in this case it's a pleasure.

I just wish i had something to write about, but something or other is not going to appeal to everyones taste. I could talk about politics or crime but that always leads me into hot water purely because i'm a disgusting liberal who thinks that every action has a cause and an aftermath, and without understanding either the response will never be effective. I could talk about society being at a point of infectious stagnation but hell i wouldn't want to sound like an emo now would i? Maybe there's philosophy, one of my favourite things on the planet because it opens your eyes to everything you never thought to question. But there you see you encounter a problem; that if anyone talks about it for longer than two minutes together you're in danger of being labelled as stuck up toff and secondly making peoples brains bleed out through their anus. It fascinates me because it's completely logical, simplistic and ridiculously convoluted at the same time. Who could not admire that?

mmm. Maybe i should stick to naked pictures.

I've been feeling much better than i have the last few weeks, before it seemed like i was going to collapse under stress but lately i've developed a no pain threshold, cynicism and cave dwelling as being the answers to my problems. It might be unsociable but i plan to keep my self respect and i won't get hurt again. Lots of things have happened to me lately that have made me very bitter, i won't go into it because its not a sob story merely statement of fact. What has been the biggest contributing factor though was my recent boyfriend, who despite having a child and an evil ex girlfriend decided to question how much i loved him despite never complaining, supporting him, telling him his little girl came first (and probably being more protective towards her than him), never demanding things from him, or suffocated his right to do as he pleased. And he questioned how much i loved him because he did exactly the opposite of all those things. For our relationship he came first, over my degree and my own free will. His insecurities made him frightened of loss and to combat it tried to keep me with him at all times. Ironic really, the one thing you fear losing you suffocate and push them further away. I'm reminded of mice and men when i think about it. I am angry. And desperately unhappy with myself for what happened. I'm angry because i love fiercely, it's one of the only things i'm proud of in respect to my personality. And i did, i gave him my respect and every single ounce of me i had to make him happy and for it to be discarded makes me furious. Nobody does that. And that is why as a result i'm more unhappy, that after giving everything i had, it wasn't enough.

I'll live with my insecurities, slightly on edge but content with it. What i will never do is impinge on somebody else because of them. Every time it happens to me the respect will be etched away but i won't give in. Not to anyone, and especially not to myself. All i can say is that you only have yourself and if it happens to you, and you survive it and give everything to someone you love, then you have nothing to berate yourselves about. You're braver than those who have relationships but love cynically and conditionally. And that is something you should never be ashamed of.


i shall remain derranged through it all.


I'll try to be chirpier next time.


But there it is, my personality laid out bare for anyone who would like to pick it apart, its full of contradictions i'm warning you but hopefully theres no hypocrisy. The thing i hate above all others. Be a hypocrite and i'll come for you, no matter where you are and put a horses head in your bed.

And let that be your second warning. Not agressive much am i?