(copied from my live journal
work went alright... i did decent tonight... but not as good as the two other girls... i lost weight over vacation- but not enough to make me look like the other 115 (if THAT) lb girls... damn i miss being that weight... my pre preg weight, before i gained almost 80 lbs... *sigh*... its rough... ive been there the longest (excluding the dancer who has been there for 10 years but only works one night a week) that works every day... its so hard... theres one girl who has a 2 year old that looks like i did before i got pregnant.... the only reason i gained 80lbs was because of the on and off bulemia/anorexia (either i didnt eat, or when i did i puked.... blahh), and the wonderful meth binges i used to go on, which screwed up my metabolism, so once i HAD to start eating, the weight piled on, because my body put all those calories i didnt waste into reserves.... sometimes i miss my old ways, but A) i have my daughter and NOTHING is going to fuck that up, so drugs are far far far out of the question and B) i dont want my body going through what it did when i had my problems, i was so sick, my immune system shut down (which is why i got sick, put on antibiotics and ended up getting pregnant on the pill).... i have 20 lbs to lose until my goal.... but it hasnt come off in about a year.... no matter what i do, no matter how much exercise i do, or the slim fast i do or whatever, it just seems as though i cant get rid of it...
why is it that some people can get things handed to them so easily, while others (*ahem* like me) have to work so hard and constantly get shit on.... no matter how hard i try to achieve my goals, it NEVER happens... i never graduated from college, i never got a degree, im stuck with this horrible body, and i am constantly dealing with rejection....
well, im exhausted and rambling... i know noone really gives a fuck, but i decided to let out my feelings (which if anyone knows me, thats very rare, i hate people knowing what i REALLY feel... i despise when anyone knows my "dark secrets"....)....
work went alright... i did decent tonight... but not as good as the two other girls... i lost weight over vacation- but not enough to make me look like the other 115 (if THAT) lb girls... damn i miss being that weight... my pre preg weight, before i gained almost 80 lbs... *sigh*... its rough... ive been there the longest (excluding the dancer who has been there for 10 years but only works one night a week) that works every day... its so hard... theres one girl who has a 2 year old that looks like i did before i got pregnant.... the only reason i gained 80lbs was because of the on and off bulemia/anorexia (either i didnt eat, or when i did i puked.... blahh), and the wonderful meth binges i used to go on, which screwed up my metabolism, so once i HAD to start eating, the weight piled on, because my body put all those calories i didnt waste into reserves.... sometimes i miss my old ways, but A) i have my daughter and NOTHING is going to fuck that up, so drugs are far far far out of the question and B) i dont want my body going through what it did when i had my problems, i was so sick, my immune system shut down (which is why i got sick, put on antibiotics and ended up getting pregnant on the pill).... i have 20 lbs to lose until my goal.... but it hasnt come off in about a year.... no matter what i do, no matter how much exercise i do, or the slim fast i do or whatever, it just seems as though i cant get rid of it...
why is it that some people can get things handed to them so easily, while others (*ahem* like me) have to work so hard and constantly get shit on.... no matter how hard i try to achieve my goals, it NEVER happens... i never graduated from college, i never got a degree, im stuck with this horrible body, and i am constantly dealing with rejection....
well, im exhausted and rambling... i know noone really gives a fuck, but i decided to let out my feelings (which if anyone knows me, thats very rare, i hate people knowing what i REALLY feel... i despise when anyone knows my "dark secrets"....)....