I think I'm in the early onset of a midlife crisis - at 33 years old.
Was awoken at 02:45 this morning, by my nieghbour's kids arguing on the front lawn amongst themselves and their girlfriends. So naturally I got up stepped to the blinds and tried to earsdrop on the conversation. Couldn't quiet make out what they were saying through all the 'fuckin' 'ell this' and 'blah, blah, blah cunt!'
Went downstairs, still coughing up sawdust from the resdiue of my Flu virus, made myself a hot tea and returned to bed wide awake. Got the Macbook out and started writing some guidelines for my current chapter that I'm going to finish this weekend now that the writer's block has subsided. Was at the glowing lcd screen in the dark for over an hour when another nieghbour appeared in the street at about 4a.m. screaming and cussing at his girlfriend. I mean Jesus Chocolate-Coated Christ, what is the British preoccupation with airing its dirty laundry in public these days??? Don't people have homes? I'd never dream of arguing with Diz in public.
Still, in the end I got some more work on ATD done so am not that pissed off. I'd gone to bed exhausted, emotionally drained, as a result of a bad mood day cut with another driving session, which you know I detest.
This brings me to my headline, for todays dekka rant. Midlife crisis in your thirties. I wonder if I'm having one beacause of all the fears and uncertainty in my life at the moment. Some of my SG buddies will've read that I lost my younger Brother Mike four years ago to Asthma. I was very close to him and we had the kind of tight relationship every sibling would have in an ideal world, I feel. As you can imagine this was only all the more devastating when I lost him. You never really 'get over' it as well meaning people tell you. I've learned to live with it day-to-day, but there's always bad days - like yesterday. I miss him SO much somedays it floors me. He's on my mind a little everyday, don't get me wrong, but yesterday I was feeling ill and anxious and on those types of days I feel his loss cut to the bone. His was such a galvanising and empowering presense in my life. Mike kept me going when I didn't have the strength much less the willpower (which was pretty much all the time!). At 25 he was already a degree qualified Graphic Designer and fine artist of diverse raw talent. He had a drive and determination to suceed that I'll never have owing to my gross insecurity and lack of confidence.
I'm full of bravado and full of shit! Anyone who gets to know me figures that out straight away. Truth is, underneath, I'm a frightened little boy most of the time. . .
Now that Mike's gone there's me, my Mother and Father (cliche to call them heroes to me, but they are) and my Wife Diana-Elizabeth (Diz).
I'm so afraid.
Not of dying. My fear of dying vanished the morning I was called to the emergency room and saw my Brother's dead body lying on a gurney.
No, I'm afraid of growing old alone. . .
Trepkos7 a.k.a. Mike Naisbitt. 10-8-79 . 29-10-04 Gone. Never Forgotten.
Was awoken at 02:45 this morning, by my nieghbour's kids arguing on the front lawn amongst themselves and their girlfriends. So naturally I got up stepped to the blinds and tried to earsdrop on the conversation. Couldn't quiet make out what they were saying through all the 'fuckin' 'ell this' and 'blah, blah, blah cunt!'
Went downstairs, still coughing up sawdust from the resdiue of my Flu virus, made myself a hot tea and returned to bed wide awake. Got the Macbook out and started writing some guidelines for my current chapter that I'm going to finish this weekend now that the writer's block has subsided. Was at the glowing lcd screen in the dark for over an hour when another nieghbour appeared in the street at about 4a.m. screaming and cussing at his girlfriend. I mean Jesus Chocolate-Coated Christ, what is the British preoccupation with airing its dirty laundry in public these days??? Don't people have homes? I'd never dream of arguing with Diz in public.
Still, in the end I got some more work on ATD done so am not that pissed off. I'd gone to bed exhausted, emotionally drained, as a result of a bad mood day cut with another driving session, which you know I detest.
This brings me to my headline, for todays dekka rant. Midlife crisis in your thirties. I wonder if I'm having one beacause of all the fears and uncertainty in my life at the moment. Some of my SG buddies will've read that I lost my younger Brother Mike four years ago to Asthma. I was very close to him and we had the kind of tight relationship every sibling would have in an ideal world, I feel. As you can imagine this was only all the more devastating when I lost him. You never really 'get over' it as well meaning people tell you. I've learned to live with it day-to-day, but there's always bad days - like yesterday. I miss him SO much somedays it floors me. He's on my mind a little everyday, don't get me wrong, but yesterday I was feeling ill and anxious and on those types of days I feel his loss cut to the bone. His was such a galvanising and empowering presense in my life. Mike kept me going when I didn't have the strength much less the willpower (which was pretty much all the time!). At 25 he was already a degree qualified Graphic Designer and fine artist of diverse raw talent. He had a drive and determination to suceed that I'll never have owing to my gross insecurity and lack of confidence.
I'm full of bravado and full of shit! Anyone who gets to know me figures that out straight away. Truth is, underneath, I'm a frightened little boy most of the time. . .
Now that Mike's gone there's me, my Mother and Father (cliche to call them heroes to me, but they are) and my Wife Diana-Elizabeth (Diz).
I'm so afraid.
Not of dying. My fear of dying vanished the morning I was called to the emergency room and saw my Brother's dead body lying on a gurney.
No, I'm afraid of growing old alone. . .
Trepkos7 a.k.a. Mike Naisbitt. 10-8-79 . 29-10-04 Gone. Never Forgotten.