I had a weird night last night. Nothing in particular
happened, but I got into a strange mood. Maybe it was the
Red Bull on the empty stomach, I dunno. But here's what my
little brain was stressing over.
I work. And I work well. But I don't work hard, usually.
When I bought my house, a little over a year ago, I went
like gangbusters. Ripped up the carpet, put down hardwood
floors, power washed and painted the basement, etc, etc.
Felt good. Then I ran out of money. Well, ok, I ran out of
credit. So, then I let myself get down about not having the
resources to finish all the improvements I wanted to do. I
got more pissed at my job for not paying me more. I got
aggravated that my girlfriend hasn't really made much money
in the past 18 months. When she decided she was going to be
a tattoo artist, I stood behind her, and told her that'd we
be fine. And now we're teetering on the edge of not being
fine. I don't think that we'll have to worry about a roof
over our heads or food on the table, but I feel the closest
to 'not fine' as I have since college. I told my girlfriend
we'd be fine, and now it almost feels like I've gone back on
that.
I want to interrupt here for a minute. These are simply the
thoughts that were plaguing me last night. They don't
actually have root or reason. This Friday, I'll get paid.
This September I'll get a nice bonus. And the money issues
will be greatly lessened. And come next April, I should
have no more credit card debt, and a nice chunk-o'-change in
the bank. Back to the raving of my brain.
I feel like I should be able to make more money. I've been
told by many people that I'm very bright. My ass of a boss
actually told me once that he thought I was the smartest
person on the team. But he may have been padding the blow
that he wasn't going to give me a raise or let me do my own
research. But I do have ideas how to make money. The old
adage is true, 'you have to have money to make money.' I
would like to redesign, make, and sell tattoo machines. I
would like to be a wedding photographer. But these things
require equipment, i.e. money.
I should be making more. There are two secretaries here who make equal to or more than me. They don't have more
experience, advanced degrees, or anything. And one of them
is actually not very good at her job. But that's the level I'm seen at at the lab. Everyone tells me how 'valuable' I am and how the team wouldn't be able to function without me, and how the research would just stop if I left. I hate to quote
Jerry Maguire here (but I figure everyone stopped reading a
while ago), but show me the money! I need a new job, but I
like the one I have. It just doesn't pay what it should.
And can I say that my oldest sister is a twit. background
info: I've been away on business travel my last two
birthdays; my other sister is moving to the area on Sept.
12, and my oldest sister just had her house painted (by one
of her old high school friends). She called me on the
phone, "Hey, we were thinking of having a party to celebrate
our house being painted and G(my other sister) moving here.
And we were thinking of having it on your birthday." Not,
'hey we'd like to throw you a birthday party' or even 'we
could make it your birthday party too.' I told her that if
she did that, I wouldn't come. And her second choice was
the day after. At that point I was just pissed, so I told
her that I don't know if I was going to be able to make that
either. She called back at a few hours later, at 1010pm
(past when I'm normally asleep) to tell me she'd decided on
the day after my birthday. Thanks a bundle sis.
Okay, I figure if you've read this far, you might as well
hear more. I kinda feel like I've let my family down. I
think everyone saw me as the one with potential to do
something grand with my life. Instead I went to an
expensive school, got a couple do nothing jobs, got this job
(at a very depressed salary), got married, followed by a
quick divorce, wallowed for almost three years, fell for an
artist, and I've stayed with this job for 7 and a half
years. When I bought my house and told my family how much I spent, my brother-in-law (the nicest person in my family) said, "you couldn't even afford to buy our shed for that." Thanks. Makes me feel worth something.
And, those are the comments I remember. When people
compliment my photos, I assume they're just being kind.
Maybe it's the New Englander in me, but I always think that
people that are nice to me are trying to get something or
are trying to trick me for some unknown reason. I'm just
not very trusting of the general populous. I should trust
more.
Okay, that was my bitch session for the month. Thanks for
reading. Ill have a cheerier post up soon.
happened, but I got into a strange mood. Maybe it was the
Red Bull on the empty stomach, I dunno. But here's what my
little brain was stressing over.
I work. And I work well. But I don't work hard, usually.
When I bought my house, a little over a year ago, I went
like gangbusters. Ripped up the carpet, put down hardwood
floors, power washed and painted the basement, etc, etc.
Felt good. Then I ran out of money. Well, ok, I ran out of
credit. So, then I let myself get down about not having the
resources to finish all the improvements I wanted to do. I
got more pissed at my job for not paying me more. I got
aggravated that my girlfriend hasn't really made much money
in the past 18 months. When she decided she was going to be
a tattoo artist, I stood behind her, and told her that'd we
be fine. And now we're teetering on the edge of not being
fine. I don't think that we'll have to worry about a roof
over our heads or food on the table, but I feel the closest
to 'not fine' as I have since college. I told my girlfriend
we'd be fine, and now it almost feels like I've gone back on
that.
I want to interrupt here for a minute. These are simply the
thoughts that were plaguing me last night. They don't
actually have root or reason. This Friday, I'll get paid.
This September I'll get a nice bonus. And the money issues
will be greatly lessened. And come next April, I should
have no more credit card debt, and a nice chunk-o'-change in
the bank. Back to the raving of my brain.
I feel like I should be able to make more money. I've been
told by many people that I'm very bright. My ass of a boss
actually told me once that he thought I was the smartest
person on the team. But he may have been padding the blow
that he wasn't going to give me a raise or let me do my own
research. But I do have ideas how to make money. The old
adage is true, 'you have to have money to make money.' I
would like to redesign, make, and sell tattoo machines. I
would like to be a wedding photographer. But these things
require equipment, i.e. money.
I should be making more. There are two secretaries here who make equal to or more than me. They don't have more
experience, advanced degrees, or anything. And one of them
is actually not very good at her job. But that's the level I'm seen at at the lab. Everyone tells me how 'valuable' I am and how the team wouldn't be able to function without me, and how the research would just stop if I left. I hate to quote
Jerry Maguire here (but I figure everyone stopped reading a
while ago), but show me the money! I need a new job, but I
like the one I have. It just doesn't pay what it should.
And can I say that my oldest sister is a twit. background
info: I've been away on business travel my last two
birthdays; my other sister is moving to the area on Sept.
12, and my oldest sister just had her house painted (by one
of her old high school friends). She called me on the
phone, "Hey, we were thinking of having a party to celebrate
our house being painted and G(my other sister) moving here.
And we were thinking of having it on your birthday." Not,
'hey we'd like to throw you a birthday party' or even 'we
could make it your birthday party too.' I told her that if
she did that, I wouldn't come. And her second choice was
the day after. At that point I was just pissed, so I told
her that I don't know if I was going to be able to make that
either. She called back at a few hours later, at 1010pm
(past when I'm normally asleep) to tell me she'd decided on
the day after my birthday. Thanks a bundle sis.
Okay, I figure if you've read this far, you might as well
hear more. I kinda feel like I've let my family down. I
think everyone saw me as the one with potential to do
something grand with my life. Instead I went to an
expensive school, got a couple do nothing jobs, got this job
(at a very depressed salary), got married, followed by a
quick divorce, wallowed for almost three years, fell for an
artist, and I've stayed with this job for 7 and a half
years. When I bought my house and told my family how much I spent, my brother-in-law (the nicest person in my family) said, "you couldn't even afford to buy our shed for that." Thanks. Makes me feel worth something.
And, those are the comments I remember. When people
compliment my photos, I assume they're just being kind.
Maybe it's the New Englander in me, but I always think that
people that are nice to me are trying to get something or
are trying to trick me for some unknown reason. I'm just
not very trusting of the general populous. I should trust
more.
Okay, that was my bitch session for the month. Thanks for
reading. Ill have a cheerier post up soon.