degraded

have been avoid everything since i was blindside by a sexsual harassment complaint against me at work. the boss addressed me and everything was fine but it kept eating at me as it isn't the first time it has happened (the first time was at a different job). i hate making the same mistake twice so i decided to attack my problem with communication and to start i thought i would open with an apology directly to the person i most likely offended as well as to anyone else i may have been less than professional to in the recent past. the idea for my reform came from my preception that i often times try communicating with actions rather than with words to maybe try to avoid conflict (i'm always getting upset when people don't seem to understand teamwork as well as i think i do-these are cases where i should simply ask for help). in this case, i should have told the girl who was reaching across me instead of asking me to help her, waiting for me to move or even going around me that it made me uncomfortable when she did that. instead i started to comicly creeply stand abnormally close to her for no reason. of course as i was doing it i realized i had gone too far although i was smiling and having a laugh at the awkwardness i was creating which is probably why my apology after the bit didn't come off as very sincere although it truly was.

anyway, when i tried to apologize i went with what i'm most comfortable doing (i guess) which is writing. however i sent a message over facebook to the girl whose space i had invaded apologizing but the messed up thing is that i felt weird doing it as she was not already my friend on facebook and get people to add me is a bit of an ordeal as i use my internet alias (don't like looking at my birth name as much as i do that name) which tends to confuse people and it felt like i was invading her space again (felt like i was doing it out of guilt too).

so once i felt like i was making progress with my quest to communicate with words i was able to function a little better but my conscience was telling me i was being a coward and that i should try talking to her in real life. so i check her schedule so i could come in early and talk to her in private as her guest but then i felt even more like a creep and then i felt like i was only apologizing because i got caught and then i felt like shouldn't have tried to be so gong-ho about this whole communication thing; i should have just let the situation pass without another apology as it now seems feels like i'm retaliating (something i had to sign an agreement to that i wouldn't do in probably anyway the last time i was talked to about making people feel uncomfortable in the work place). now it's been over a week and i haven't gather the courage to bring up if she got my message. however i feel like she might have gotten a job somewhere else as she hasn't been working her usual shifts and i thought i over heard her say she was looking or had interviewed elsewhere.

coincidently, i decided i wasn't going to bring up whether or not she got my message as if it got me fired that would be okay now which is part of the reason i was freaking out (losing this last job would force me to be an artist sooner). also if she is upset or if i do see her again i will approach her with love in my heart as over the weekend i realized that communication is nothing more that showing people you love them.

i feel ready to stand naked in front of the world and say... here! here i am! this is me! i love me and i love you! there is nothing i wouldn't do to show you how much i care. let us be one! because we... are one!