defectivepsyche

***She is smiling like heaven is down on earth
Sun is shining so bright on her
And all her wishes have finally come true
And her heart is weeping.
This happiness is killing her.***


Its been rough lately.
I'm new to this whole living with your boyfriend type o gig.
I dont mind it. However I have to get used to it.
things havent been all to great but they could be worse too.
Ive been struggeling to find a job for months now.
Its already november. Im stil jobless.
It doesnt help that i have no car.
There is still time I wake up and have to remind myself what had happened.
That now my life depends on everyone else. Once again.
I'm happy to be home. Im happy to have my friends close to me again.
I just cant wait until all the pieces are put back together.
Maybe it will eliviate some of the stress around here.
I cant go a week without getting into it with Anth.
Seriously, The smallest battle has to turn into a war.
Yesterday morning I called to tell him that he had to go downtown to vote.
Since our registration wasnt updated.
I flat out knew that if he went downtown he would want to stop places and do whatever.
So being i knew he had to work that night, I wanted to go with.
I like getting everychance to get out of the apartment. not to mention if lunch is included that would be great.
Instead I get an attitude, I'll just go on my way home from school.
So instead of arguing about it. I said ok, never the fuck mind and hung up the phone.
I called Toni cause sh asked if I wanted to hang out with her and her sis.
She was just getting up but she said she would come get me.
So Anth did call me back after class. To see if I wanted to go with. I said no.......
like you said just go on your way home. I'll see you when you get back. I ust would like to get out every now and then.........
He told me I could go out and take the car when he went to work. I said that was ok, but I was going out with Toni. He asked when I said later. He asked when I would be home i said before he got of work. Thats all I knew.
So anyway.......an hour goes by. I call him 3 times. Left a voice mail the first time. after the 2nd call I text him.....Still nothing. Finally, he calls me back. Tells me he didnt answer cause he was at lunch with his dad.SO what did I say........" Thanks for calling me". Common sense and respect would have been to pick up the phone and call your girlfriend who is at the apratment hoping to see you for atleast 5 minutes. Yeah some people might have thought I was making a big deal about things. Like I siad, I was just making a point. I didnt care that he went to lunch. Just pick up the phone and let me know. HELLO! Its not hard and its not to much to ask. However, weve been dealing with this problem since we met and apparently he hasnt gotten a clue.

Liek i was explaining to Toni, ITs no different than if he was at work and I was home waiting for him to get off. Come to find out instead of coming home he goes to the bar and doesnt call me. Thers something wrong with that right? Thats what i thought............

so here is where it gets interesting. I get home last night. He comes home about an hour later. Im already in bet. I didnt feel to well. He tells me, a few of the ugys i work with decieded on going across the street to have a drink after work. I'm like Oh. Exactly the sort of statment I was making earlier. But instead of being that crzy girlfriend that everyone makes me out to be because i bitch about everything I kept my mouth shut. Of coarse i was upset. So when asked whats wrong, I said nothing. He tells me he is sorry he didnt call. I simply asked...... Why didnt you call me? I just didnt he replied. I told him I felt like a fool. For the fact that the very thing we were talking baout earlier that afternoon was picking up the phone. That I used the analogy of him being at work and going to the bar with out calling me........and it happened. His reply to me was.." If I did call what would you have said?" " I guess will never know, now will we". So upset about the fact now i have things running thru my head about the fact my boyfriend feels like he has to go behind my back to do things and the fCT HE CANT PICK UP A Phone to at least call me. Now am I going to have to worry about weather or not he gets off of work early and decides to go to the bar? But instead of accepting the fiat he was wrong, he turned the battle into a war. Decided he was going to admit being wrong about not calling after work but only if i admitted he was right baout lunch. FUCK NO.then tells me im not his fuckin mother.....
yor absolutely fucking right. Im not. Im your girlfriend that you share a home with. So give me the fucking respect.

I'm done, Im tired of hurting. Im tired of crying myself to sleep. I have enough stress I dont need him to be making it worse because the fact he has to win every thing. I cant even tell him how i feel anymore without him throwing it back in my face. That hurts more than anything.

So if he wants to go out fine. Im not going to ask. dont bother calling me. im not going to call you. Im not going to tell him when im going out. I'll let him come home and find out on his own. Im not going to cook dinner late everynight and wait for him so we can eat together. I might be out of line. I dont care who thinks what of a bitch i am......... but really, when he can give me the respect of being a girlfriend he lives with instead of a room mate, that how its going to be. I just dont fucking care.



Im better than this. Im stronger.
I need change. Change is good. Hair appt at 6 with fran sounds nice.