Today was just so TOUGH!
I only got a few hours of sleep. I got up late, but made it to the last bus on time before I would have been late. Good, right? On the bus, I'm all self-conscious because I'm shaven for a day, wearing a hat, and chewing gum. I had to see my roommate, which has become tough of late, because she has taken to demanding hugs, which I feel obligated to return.
In school, things went alright, I suppose. I made a strong showing in class, but I don't really know who is entirely in my class, and now I feel like a complete tool when I ask, what's your name? To someone who's like:
I'm in your class...
Oh- Hi, I'm Ian.
... TOOL, TOOL, TOOL!
Anyhow, today was actually alright, until it came down to after school, having to spend time with a bunch of people socializing outside, for a social gathering that was all formal. I just didn't want to be there, but I gave it a shot at the beginning.
I was the person walking around, trying to strike up conversations, getting the one first drink with someone else, which opened the flood-gates for festivities. The rest of them were standing on ceremony.
There was a four-piece jazz band, and I just felt so awkward. It was like, no one was there for the music. And then there was the announcement, which really took a lot out of me for the rest of the day. I was in such bad shape afterward, and I KNOW IT, now, but only well after the fact.
See, the band stuff affected me for two reasons. I miss my jazz teacher of six months a lot, and I miss playing in a band with my friends so much. I talked with two of my friends earlier today also, which was nice at the time, but it is affecting me also.
The announcement went like this, essentially: Dear parents, thanks for sending us your kids... it means so much. I was part of the process in selecting this group... And if your parents aren't here, tell them what I'm telling you here.
Shortly afterward I went inside to play piano alone, because I miss music, and Jack, and just miss my piano. It was at the point when she talked about parents that I got so sad, because I really feel like my family isn't around at all and I was not used to having them around until I was in Lawrence, and they have been supportive, unlike what I feel my mom had been as I grew up more. Anyhow, now none of them are around, and that really affected me.
School is stressful. The city is stressful. Not making friends is tough, and I still have a lot of questions about everything, that I'm not sure I'll have answered.
I'm done now, but I was crying while I typed this, and I tried calling my friend Ariana, who wasn't there, too.
I'm better now that I've recognized what the fuck is going on, but it is really tough not knowing what's going on for real, yet. I feel like we're all pretty fake in the school, so far. I am waiting for something amazing to happen, and everyone's married, or had a sex-change, or (I think) too cool to really spend time wth me. To them I'm a novelty. I am a Kansan, a midwestern boy, a mascot, and I feel put off by it all. I thought it would be alright, that I could handle it all, but it's tough. I think I'm a novelty and being written off.
I know that means that I'll have to work hard to overcome that. I can do it. I will do it, and I'm going to be great at it.
It's just so uncertain right now.
At least I got to play basketball and piano today. =)
Anyhow, I'll be alright. I just needed to let all of this out.
Bettering the best,
Ian
I only got a few hours of sleep. I got up late, but made it to the last bus on time before I would have been late. Good, right? On the bus, I'm all self-conscious because I'm shaven for a day, wearing a hat, and chewing gum. I had to see my roommate, which has become tough of late, because she has taken to demanding hugs, which I feel obligated to return.
In school, things went alright, I suppose. I made a strong showing in class, but I don't really know who is entirely in my class, and now I feel like a complete tool when I ask, what's your name? To someone who's like:
I'm in your class...
Oh- Hi, I'm Ian.
... TOOL, TOOL, TOOL!
Anyhow, today was actually alright, until it came down to after school, having to spend time with a bunch of people socializing outside, for a social gathering that was all formal. I just didn't want to be there, but I gave it a shot at the beginning.
I was the person walking around, trying to strike up conversations, getting the one first drink with someone else, which opened the flood-gates for festivities. The rest of them were standing on ceremony.
There was a four-piece jazz band, and I just felt so awkward. It was like, no one was there for the music. And then there was the announcement, which really took a lot out of me for the rest of the day. I was in such bad shape afterward, and I KNOW IT, now, but only well after the fact.
See, the band stuff affected me for two reasons. I miss my jazz teacher of six months a lot, and I miss playing in a band with my friends so much. I talked with two of my friends earlier today also, which was nice at the time, but it is affecting me also.
The announcement went like this, essentially: Dear parents, thanks for sending us your kids... it means so much. I was part of the process in selecting this group... And if your parents aren't here, tell them what I'm telling you here.
Shortly afterward I went inside to play piano alone, because I miss music, and Jack, and just miss my piano. It was at the point when she talked about parents that I got so sad, because I really feel like my family isn't around at all and I was not used to having them around until I was in Lawrence, and they have been supportive, unlike what I feel my mom had been as I grew up more. Anyhow, now none of them are around, and that really affected me.
School is stressful. The city is stressful. Not making friends is tough, and I still have a lot of questions about everything, that I'm not sure I'll have answered.
I'm done now, but I was crying while I typed this, and I tried calling my friend Ariana, who wasn't there, too.
I'm better now that I've recognized what the fuck is going on, but it is really tough not knowing what's going on for real, yet. I feel like we're all pretty fake in the school, so far. I am waiting for something amazing to happen, and everyone's married, or had a sex-change, or (I think) too cool to really spend time wth me. To them I'm a novelty. I am a Kansan, a midwestern boy, a mascot, and I feel put off by it all. I thought it would be alright, that I could handle it all, but it's tough. I think I'm a novelty and being written off.
I know that means that I'll have to work hard to overcome that. I can do it. I will do it, and I'm going to be great at it.
It's just so uncertain right now.
At least I got to play basketball and piano today. =)
Anyhow, I'll be alright. I just needed to let all of this out.
Bettering the best,
Ian
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
marigold:
moving is one of the top three most stressful events in a person's life. i've also heard that it takes on average about 5 years to feel truly settled into a new city and make close friends. patience (or the struggle to keep your sanity) is key.
variety:
I dont' know how tough it has to be for you, I've never moved farther than 50 miles from where I grew up. I really hope it starts to get better for you!