decota

I'm having another one of those days where I feel unloved My Dude hasn't had sex with me in close to three weeks. Last weekend i climbed on his lap. We made out a little bit and He said. "You are lovely."
I said,"I can get lovlier." and i took off my top. he laughed. Then he kissed me. I got on my knees and he said, "Oh Honey. Not now." I got up. Cried. And left the room.

It was the first time in our relationship that i have ever felt so blatantly rejected.

He said it was because he felt like he was still hungover. And that he wouldn't be of any use.

My Birthday was the 25th of April and I was on my period so that was his excuse for last week's lack of lovemaking. the weekend before that he too was hungover and we had stuff to do.

During the week he doesn't come home til late and then gets up and goes to work, SO no time to have sex.

To make matters worse we are in a band together. So we do get to see each other often. But When we are doing band stuff My brain kind of shuts of the relationship status and I treat him more like a bandmate. And the other guitar player and him have a little bro-mance thing going on.

Last night they were jokingly hugging and saying "haha! Let's make Leslie Jealous." And "Oh by they way he's dumping you for me."

I realize this is a Joke and I know it is dumb. But he is jokingly giving the other guitar player more attention and affection then me. AND YES i am fucking jealous!

And I should also mention being in a band with 5 dudes and 1 producer, nearly every joke is about my female incompetence. ITS LIKE HAVING 6 BROTHERS! My dude has no problem chiming in and jumping on the lets make fun of the girl in the room shit.

They tell me when I smell bad.

Last night we all went out together after our show. I fucked up the last song. So I already was feeling shitty. Then my dude, the bro-mance guitar player and the drummer and I went to to bar to meet up with our other friends and producer. By the time the cab dropped us off at the bar I had to walk away from them because i just couldn't take the Man Love, Woman hating ANYMORE.

I had to purposely keep away from them all night. I didn't want to be a bitch and say anything or tell them to stop. Lord knows that I will always be out numbered. And for some reason I was thinking "who am I to tell them they can't bond." But I didn't want to have to watch it from the sidelines either.


The more i write this the more i realize this is a complicated problem. so i'll make a list.
1) I feel bullied by a group of dudes I am committed to.
2) ALL but one of them can't fuck me and the one who should, isn't
3) i am jealous of a Bro-mance
4) My self-esteem is at base level after being flat out rejected by my dude
5) I am in a sexual Limbo waiting for said dude to make the time and effort to come to me, because i can't bear to be rejected again.
6) I am scared that he won't have sex with me this weekend either. And I will soon be counting the months since we've had sex.

I am mostly scared that he's not as attracted to me as he used to be. We used to have sex every weekend, more then once. We used to joke that no matter how shitty he felt I could always turn him on.
And Now I can't get him to have sex with me, in the middle of the afternoon, on a perfectly good saturday, by straddling him, and taking my top off...

Feelings hurt? You bet. Self Esteem? Close to gone. Heartbroken? Absolutely. Relationship? Forever changed.