i need a distraction to ride this out. this will be long
i am lying in bed, under my down blanket, trying very hard to fend off a panic attack.
for those of you whom have not had the misfortune of experiencing a panic attack, this is what it's like:
mine usually start with pressure at the base of my head, and then both my ears get clogged. then i get this dizzying, crushing pressure in my entire head and my heart starts beating four times faster than it should. then my hands go numb. then i have to lie down and concentrate on anything other than the thought of dying(because it is a psychosomatic thing, thinking about it happening only aggravates me). then i finish off with some awesome chest pain(called angina, i'll be inserting medical terminology throughout all of this for all you med-skool wannabes like myself).
yeah, it sounds like a fucking heart attack (myocardial infarction), but its not. i've been checked out for this many times and i am not at risk for one. but its a side effect of having mitral valve prolapse, in which your mitral valve doesn't work properly and you end up with a pretty gnarly arrhythmia(uneven heartbeat). my body produces too much adrenaline, so if i don't take my medication, i go into an adrenaline shock and have an episode (kinda like RIGHT NOW!!
). panic episodes aren't fun. syncope episodes are even worse. i haven't had a syncope episode since i was 20, when i passed out in the cafeteria at risd. no one really bothered to notice that i was UNCONSCIOUS with a huge chunk of bagel sticking out of my mouth. i somehow regained consciousness and staggered off to studio, because, yes, i was that hardcore and dedicated to my art( i once cut myself so badly that i sliced the tip of my index finger off and had a 1/2" gouge in my middle finger, got taken home via ambulance and then snuck out two hours later, with a bandaged hand that i was instructed NOT to use, to go work on a sculpture. my biggest concern was NOT the possibility of losing feeling in my fingers due to aggravating them---which i did; i no longer have tactile sensitivity in the tip of my left index finger because of it----, my biggest concern was getting blood on the fucking sculpture, because the upper cast of it was finished plaster and staining it would make it lose its integrity. and i was bleeding through the bandage while i was soldering the base...)
wow, that was a huge fucking tangent.
so, you might be asking, "so, whitesamurai, or better yet, whitey. hey whitey!!! why are you fucking OD-ing on adrenaline right now? aren't you supposed to be taking your beta blockers like a good girl?? don't you have pump of nitroglycerine in case this shit happens to you unexpectedly?"
well, sweet figment of my delirious imagination, let me tell you, oh glorious you, about the wonders of the pharmacy and how they love to screw me over.
i ran out of my beta-adrenaline blockers on sunday. i sent in a request to get my prescription filled on friday. they were supposed to be ready on monday so i would not miss a dose. i called the pharmacy on monday and they were still waiting for my doctor to call them back on whether or not it was ok to give me this medication. so i went back today and still, my doctor had not phoned in.
the pharmacist, that fucking hipster sadist asshole. he had my bag of atenolol sitting in front of me. i was about to put it in my bag until he snatched it and said, "oh, wait, it hasn't been approved yet..."
i felt like a crack addict. i wanted to yell out, BUT I FUCKING NEED IT!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW THIS FEELS???? I'M FUCKING DYING!!!
instead i just nodded and walked home almost breathlessly.
"wait wait wait...and the nitroglycerin?? whats up with that, bitch?"
::sigh::
i do have a neat little container of nitro, but that's only for extreme attacks. the pain has to be blinding and/or i'd have to be going through an MI. if i use it and its not an MI, a dose could feasibly kill me. so i'll deal with the shakiness until tomorrow...
++++++++
the danzig show was great. i was on the sickie side(see above), so i decided to hang out in the balcony and have me an awesome view of doyle's ass. i also got to see buckykatt666 kick ass and take names in the pit.
i saw a couple of my ex's friends in the crowd but pretended not to see them. i wish i had said hello. i miss them a lot, they are great guys. one of them was very kind to me and took care of me when i had one of these attacks at his house. the other was just really fun to talk to and very accomodating. however, it's always hard to know how and where you stand with your ex's friends, especially the way they talk about ex-girlfriends. maybe the next time it won't be so odd.
+++++
i'm going to make a doc's appointment tomorrow, so i can get a referral to a cardiologist. as much as i hate going, i've had too many attacks in the past couple months and i need to feel like a functional being again, especially as scul season is less than a month away!
i am lying in bed, under my down blanket, trying very hard to fend off a panic attack.
for those of you whom have not had the misfortune of experiencing a panic attack, this is what it's like:
mine usually start with pressure at the base of my head, and then both my ears get clogged. then i get this dizzying, crushing pressure in my entire head and my heart starts beating four times faster than it should. then my hands go numb. then i have to lie down and concentrate on anything other than the thought of dying(because it is a psychosomatic thing, thinking about it happening only aggravates me). then i finish off with some awesome chest pain(called angina, i'll be inserting medical terminology throughout all of this for all you med-skool wannabes like myself).
yeah, it sounds like a fucking heart attack (myocardial infarction), but its not. i've been checked out for this many times and i am not at risk for one. but its a side effect of having mitral valve prolapse, in which your mitral valve doesn't work properly and you end up with a pretty gnarly arrhythmia(uneven heartbeat). my body produces too much adrenaline, so if i don't take my medication, i go into an adrenaline shock and have an episode (kinda like RIGHT NOW!!
). panic episodes aren't fun. syncope episodes are even worse. i haven't had a syncope episode since i was 20, when i passed out in the cafeteria at risd. no one really bothered to notice that i was UNCONSCIOUS with a huge chunk of bagel sticking out of my mouth. i somehow regained consciousness and staggered off to studio, because, yes, i was that hardcore and dedicated to my art( i once cut myself so badly that i sliced the tip of my index finger off and had a 1/2" gouge in my middle finger, got taken home via ambulance and then snuck out two hours later, with a bandaged hand that i was instructed NOT to use, to go work on a sculpture. my biggest concern was NOT the possibility of losing feeling in my fingers due to aggravating them---which i did; i no longer have tactile sensitivity in the tip of my left index finger because of it----, my biggest concern was getting blood on the fucking sculpture, because the upper cast of it was finished plaster and staining it would make it lose its integrity. and i was bleeding through the bandage while i was soldering the base...)
wow, that was a huge fucking tangent.
so, you might be asking, "so, whitesamurai, or better yet, whitey. hey whitey!!! why are you fucking OD-ing on adrenaline right now? aren't you supposed to be taking your beta blockers like a good girl?? don't you have pump of nitroglycerine in case this shit happens to you unexpectedly?"
well, sweet figment of my delirious imagination, let me tell you, oh glorious you, about the wonders of the pharmacy and how they love to screw me over.
i ran out of my beta-adrenaline blockers on sunday. i sent in a request to get my prescription filled on friday. they were supposed to be ready on monday so i would not miss a dose. i called the pharmacy on monday and they were still waiting for my doctor to call them back on whether or not it was ok to give me this medication. so i went back today and still, my doctor had not phoned in.
the pharmacist, that fucking hipster sadist asshole. he had my bag of atenolol sitting in front of me. i was about to put it in my bag until he snatched it and said, "oh, wait, it hasn't been approved yet..."
i felt like a crack addict. i wanted to yell out, BUT I FUCKING NEED IT!!! DO YOU KNOW HOW THIS FEELS???? I'M FUCKING DYING!!!
instead i just nodded and walked home almost breathlessly.
"wait wait wait...and the nitroglycerin?? whats up with that, bitch?"
::sigh::
i do have a neat little container of nitro, but that's only for extreme attacks. the pain has to be blinding and/or i'd have to be going through an MI. if i use it and its not an MI, a dose could feasibly kill me. so i'll deal with the shakiness until tomorrow...
++++++++
the danzig show was great. i was on the sickie side(see above), so i decided to hang out in the balcony and have me an awesome view of doyle's ass. i also got to see buckykatt666 kick ass and take names in the pit.
i saw a couple of my ex's friends in the crowd but pretended not to see them. i wish i had said hello. i miss them a lot, they are great guys. one of them was very kind to me and took care of me when i had one of these attacks at his house. the other was just really fun to talk to and very accomodating. however, it's always hard to know how and where you stand with your ex's friends, especially the way they talk about ex-girlfriends. maybe the next time it won't be so odd.
+++++
i'm going to make a doc's appointment tomorrow, so i can get a referral to a cardiologist. as much as i hate going, i've had too many attacks in the past couple months and i need to feel like a functional being again, especially as scul season is less than a month away!
you always know how to get me when you need me.