Resistance is Futile
Back in town for a very brief interlude before heading down to Houston again for some mental health conference and then to Florida on Thursday afternoon. Should be there through the 13th of August and perhaps longer depending on my state of mind.
Houston was...wonderful. I had a blast. Being the anti-social recluse I've been as of late had cast an anxiety laden shadow over me the entire drive down, but after meeting the man's 6 roommates, bandmembers, and parents, I was oddly at ease. In fact, I have never been so at ease around so many strangers in my entire life. After not seeing someone for a month you learn to appreciate 4 days with them, and it was so nice going to bed and waking up next to him. The downside: I flipped out about where this relationship was going and rather than grow some balls and address issues maturely by conversing, I wrote a rather lengthy and semi-psychotic rant about where it was going and the millions of ways it could just be a negative factor in both our lives. Well, perhaps semi-psychotic is an understatement. And I didn't let him read it until after I left. So, I am an ass. A very poor communicator to boot.
I don't know what I was and have been thinking really. My tendency when I start to become too attached to people and feel like I may love them too much is to turn tail and run like hell, flipping out in the process. It really only serves to complicate matters when all I'm trying to accomplish is simplification and self-preservation. So now I've further fucked things up, and instead of just freaking myself out, I'm freaking the both of us out, which was the last thing I wanted.
Dare I admit I love this person immensely and think about him constantly? I probably should keep that to myself lest I make one of you vomit and ruin your fancy schmancy keyboard with my nauseatingly lovestruck type. Yet this is the reason I'm whacking out, because I do love him and damnit sometimes that inspires neurotic behavior in weirdos like myself. Especially when caught by surprise and when least expecting it.
I tried to turn my feelings for him off and walk away, and I couldn't. Might've been better for his sake if I could, but I can't. I'm powerless to my feelings because they are that incredibly strong, and perhaps that is ridiculous, but it's just how it is. Laugh if you must, I frankly could give a damn. I've been pulling my hair out all weekend over this, and I've reached this conclusion: I am unable to quit loving someone simply because I'm terrified of failure. If I lived my life never loving anyone than what a waste of time it would be. Screw the consequences. I only regret that I wrote that idiotic letter.
My dad's service is on the 6th. Not really looking forward to it. The road trip to Florida has become a strange plan indeed. Shortly after the best friend and I had a falling out he rescinded his previous statements and decided we could be friends again, though he admits I'm still breaking his heart daily. Hmm...not sure if this is a pandora's box I'm opening or not. I suspect so. So, he invited himself/my mom concurred and invited him along for the trip. I'm ok with it I suppose, so long as it doesn't become a "here's why you should date me instead oddyssey." That I cannot handle at the moment, and hopefully, and I expect, he has more tact than that. Though lately when I've been in a funk he asks me "what do you have to be so unhappy about?" This pisses me off, because my dad is dead, and damnit, it may have been a month since he died, but I haven't really even started getting over it. I feel so distant and detached...I can't really explain it. I'm hesitant to become closer to people because losing them is suddenly inevitable, yet I'm lonely and want something to fill the void. I imagine the only person capable of filling that void is the one person that no longer exists, my dad.
At any rate, I should slep, I'm rambling once again, and that seems to only cause conflict for me as of late. Too much stream of conciousness and running off at the mouth inspires oddity in me I suppose.
Back in town for a very brief interlude before heading down to Houston again for some mental health conference and then to Florida on Thursday afternoon. Should be there through the 13th of August and perhaps longer depending on my state of mind.
Houston was...wonderful. I had a blast. Being the anti-social recluse I've been as of late had cast an anxiety laden shadow over me the entire drive down, but after meeting the man's 6 roommates, bandmembers, and parents, I was oddly at ease. In fact, I have never been so at ease around so many strangers in my entire life. After not seeing someone for a month you learn to appreciate 4 days with them, and it was so nice going to bed and waking up next to him. The downside: I flipped out about where this relationship was going and rather than grow some balls and address issues maturely by conversing, I wrote a rather lengthy and semi-psychotic rant about where it was going and the millions of ways it could just be a negative factor in both our lives. Well, perhaps semi-psychotic is an understatement. And I didn't let him read it until after I left. So, I am an ass. A very poor communicator to boot.
I don't know what I was and have been thinking really. My tendency when I start to become too attached to people and feel like I may love them too much is to turn tail and run like hell, flipping out in the process. It really only serves to complicate matters when all I'm trying to accomplish is simplification and self-preservation. So now I've further fucked things up, and instead of just freaking myself out, I'm freaking the both of us out, which was the last thing I wanted.
Dare I admit I love this person immensely and think about him constantly? I probably should keep that to myself lest I make one of you vomit and ruin your fancy schmancy keyboard with my nauseatingly lovestruck type. Yet this is the reason I'm whacking out, because I do love him and damnit sometimes that inspires neurotic behavior in weirdos like myself. Especially when caught by surprise and when least expecting it.
I tried to turn my feelings for him off and walk away, and I couldn't. Might've been better for his sake if I could, but I can't. I'm powerless to my feelings because they are that incredibly strong, and perhaps that is ridiculous, but it's just how it is. Laugh if you must, I frankly could give a damn. I've been pulling my hair out all weekend over this, and I've reached this conclusion: I am unable to quit loving someone simply because I'm terrified of failure. If I lived my life never loving anyone than what a waste of time it would be. Screw the consequences. I only regret that I wrote that idiotic letter.
My dad's service is on the 6th. Not really looking forward to it. The road trip to Florida has become a strange plan indeed. Shortly after the best friend and I had a falling out he rescinded his previous statements and decided we could be friends again, though he admits I'm still breaking his heart daily. Hmm...not sure if this is a pandora's box I'm opening or not. I suspect so. So, he invited himself/my mom concurred and invited him along for the trip. I'm ok with it I suppose, so long as it doesn't become a "here's why you should date me instead oddyssey." That I cannot handle at the moment, and hopefully, and I expect, he has more tact than that. Though lately when I've been in a funk he asks me "what do you have to be so unhappy about?" This pisses me off, because my dad is dead, and damnit, it may have been a month since he died, but I haven't really even started getting over it. I feel so distant and detached...I can't really explain it. I'm hesitant to become closer to people because losing them is suddenly inevitable, yet I'm lonely and want something to fill the void. I imagine the only person capable of filling that void is the one person that no longer exists, my dad.
At any rate, I should slep, I'm rambling once again, and that seems to only cause conflict for me as of late. Too much stream of conciousness and running off at the mouth inspires oddity in me I suppose.
VIEW 15 of 15 COMMENTS
variety:
I totally understand about not giving up on love. Yes, I also feel that if I've not truly loved someone, what good has my life been? My only problem now is that the someone I'm in love with doesn't feel the same for me.
guitargeek:
Stay in touch.