deathtoforls

So many thoughts run through this weary head of mine lately. I can't seem to wrap my brain around the concept of love and relationships, and their many inner workings. The desire to attach myself to another is overwhelming at times, and completely lacking an equal amount of time. I cannot fathom trusting anyone enough to fully open my heart to the prospects of such pain ever again. The thought of wasted time is terrifying, and after five years flushed down the proverbial toilet I see no reason to expose myself to such anguish. How is one supposed to trust when past experience has led them to be guarded and cynical? Shall I rip my own heart out this time around and stomp it into oblivion before someone else lays claim to its destruction?

There are people in life that cause one to feel overwhelmingly fortunate...sometimes they may as well be strangers, and then there are the people that will never have the selfless compassion required to empathize with anyone. The kind that undermine your worth because you "arent there" for them every second of the day. You can't please all the people all of the time, I apparently have a knack for pleasing no one at any given time. I'm exhausted just trying at this point.

Received a call from the ex this evening and ended up hanging out at his place for awhile. I actually found myself bewildered as to why I left him in the first place we had such a good time. Of course this was a very fleeting feeling. I miss actually "being" with someone...and by that I suppose I mean living with someone. I reflected back on the five years we spent together and realized most of it was positive, though the negative instances were extremely so. We spoke at great length about why we acted the way we did during the split, and why it didn't work, how it could have. A realization he brought to my attention that I had forgotten was his inability to communicate effectively about my desire and his lack of desire for children. He reminded me how I kept trying to address the issue while he kept telling me to worry about it later. Since this was the primary reason we went seperate ways, I felt much better rehashing the details and having him acknowledge his responsibility in failing to address a rather significant issue early on, even with my prompting. So, a good night was had by the both of us, and I left feeling relieved and a renewed sense of love for him. His new girlfriend called while I was there and the strangest thing happened. I listened to them exchanging the requisite I love you's and such, and didn't feel a bit of jealousy, remorse, or pain. Apparently she has been urging him not to hang out with me anymore, because she feels threatened. Fuck her. He was my best friend for over 5 years, and he basically told her as much with no input from me whatsoever. It made me feel loved, even if only platonically so. I mean sheesh, she has no reason to trip, we hadn't even had sex for a month prior to my leaving him...that chapter is over for both of us. I find myself loving him more like a brother, which is nice, since my little brothers are asshats.

Came home and got shat upon by aforementioned lil bros because I being the oldest cannot do anything to their satisfaction. Teenagers suck...soooo moody and brooding about the stupidest of circumstances. Ending up crying some more, which I had thought impossible, and decided to have coffee with an old friend who swears he's in love with me. He just so happens to be the ex's best friend from childhood, which makes for an awkward situation at best. I received an ugly text message from him during the brothers hate me marathon, which was nice. He basically stated I was distant and he wasn't ever going to talk to me again because he was tired of reaching out to someone who wasn't there. Well, fuck. My dad just died and pardon me if I don't feel like socializing with anyone, including him. Yeah I'm distant, why shouldn't I be?

So, we had coffee, a long talk, and ended up patching up our friendship. The nicest thing about this friendship is I can be held and cuddled knowing absolutely nothing will happen unless I initiate it, which I have no desire to do. So that all turned out dandy and I got to feel loved in that platonic way. Yeah, I'm a fucking girl, I like being held and feeling secure without having to fuck someone first.

I'm on day two of denying myself carbs. This blows. I have eaten nothing but eggs for 2 days now, and I fucking hate eggs. Having great disdain for most meat, eggs are pretty much my only option of protein rich carb free food readily available. ICCKKKKKKKK. We'll see how long I can keep this up. May just have to start running again, which is gonna suck, because I've been outta that loop since Camp Mabry closed the track after 9/11. Walking the dogs seems to have no metabolic effect on me whatsoever, which is beautiful because it's way too hot to run, in my lazy ass opinion. Perhaps swimming is the way to go, if I can manage looking at myself in a swimsuit.

Anyways, I'm just rambling on as I tend to do...I need some sleep and some new clothes. Got a job interview with a pet sitting service, right up my friggin alley. Hopefully one of these jobs will pan out very quickly.