deadpuppies

This is something I wrote at the begining of the year on a different website. It was before i knew how cool SG is. I want to repost it here because it is just a window into my life and how I was feeling at a different time. It's just a part of me. I like sharing my past with other people. I feel I have lived a pretty full life. I have good friends, I have experienced some amazing things, and if I died tomorrow I would be lying if I said I haven't lived my life. The one thing left for me is to be a dad. I do want to experience that and i realize it's a lifetime commitment but I feel I am ready emotianaly for it now. There is no reason for me to be so selfish that I can not dedicate my life to someone else. I was walking through the market with unravled and I saw these two red headed kids and it just hit me like a ton of bricks, I want kids. I can't explain it. It's not like I want them tomorrow. But I am sure for the fist time in my life that I want to be a dad. well, enjoy reading my random thoughts from the last year. sorry to be so serious.

3:09am

So tonight is my first night back at my dads place. It's weird. Not that I expect any of you to give a shit. It's funny how your life can go from fine to shit in a flash. Six weeks ago I was working, going to school, making my car payments, living with my girlfriend, things were OK. Then I showed myboss that he was a full of shit asshole in front of everyone I worked with. I soon had no job. I was just trying to show that I was not the one who was the liar, he was. Just goes to show you, don't try to prove your boss wrong when he is a lying egomaniac. If you hurt him where it matters most, his pocket, or his ego, he will do his best to get rid of you. Cocksucker. His daughter fucked the cable guy. She was in love with the greasy haired dude. The racist asshole kept ranting " My daughter is in love with a Mexican!" like there is something wrong with that. Someday he will be hit by a bus, and I'll be driving it. Like I said before, Things can go to shit in a flash. Now I'm living at my dads, single (the one good thing that came out of it) and in debt. At least I have my health. Not that that means anything. My Mom was fine and she died taking the wrong medicine
Things got really fucked things up when that happened. It sounds like I'm stating the obvious here, but a tragedy like that stays with you, not haunting you or anything but it's just there. You think about it every day, it really bothers you at first, so much you can't handle it and you just break down. After a while it gets easier and easier. the pain of missing the person never really goes away, it just numbs. It's hard to explain. How do you deal with something like that? I left for Chico with my ex-girlfriend to go to her moms for thanksgiving, and when I got home, my Mom was dead. I don't feel like someone robbed me of my mother, or that it was my fault, or that if 5 million other fucking things would have been different she would still be here. She's dead. That's it. I guess that's the weird thing. I was living on my own when it happened, so the only time I would come to my dads, is on some holidays and to do laundry. It's just a huge reminder of the family that used to be, and the pathetic resemblance of what remains. My family wasn't the brady bunch. We had problems. My parents didn't get along very well any more, but they were trying. My brother and my Mom fought all the time. Mainly because my brother couldn't hold down a job for more then a week. But still we were still a family, and we got along when it counted, and we were there for each other. Now it just seems there is resentment and misunderstanding. I miss my Mom so much, but now that I think of it, I miss my family even more.

This was next:American Idol Pisses me off. HOW ABOUT SOME INPUT PEOPLE!!!!!!!

How can some of these people call themseves artists? All they do is sing other peoples songs. They are manufactured, fake plastic toy singers. Here is a song for you to sing Troy or twit or whatever the fuck your name is. Good boy. There is no vision there in my opinion. When I think of great bands/artists: Led Zepplen, Hendrix (he was god like in my opinion), Nirvana, Rage Against The Machine, Muddy Waters, Pearljam, and so many more that I can't think of at the moment, there is a group of people who are writing and performing music. There is so much feeling, so much soul and honesty. When Hendrix plays, you can feel in your heart he's holding nothing back. He is telling you a story from deep inside his soul through the gituar and it just speaks to you. That kind of honesty really moves me. That is why I really have so little respect for those pile of crap manufactured groups. they are pretty people, put together singing someone elses feelings. Go fuck yourself! Give me Zepplin drowning that crap out any day of the week. I crave feeling in my music, feeling, soul and honesty. I want my artist to open up to me. I want to feel the hurt that they feel.

Then:
Friday, April 09, 2004

I love life. LOVE IT!!!

I know my previous posts have been a downer, but I'm only human. You have good days, and you have bad days. I have decided that I am lucky to be alive, and I am going to do everything I can to enjoy it. I am going to loose weight, learn to become a better cook, try harder to become a better writer, just improve my life as much as I can. I am always worried so much about what other people think about be that I overlook myself. I think thats why I screwed up my last relationship. I know thats it. I have enjoyed life so much so far, there is no reason to stop. I want to broaden my horizens more, as much as I can. More then anything I want to share those experiences with everyone. What is the fun of learning something new if you can't share it with someone? I wouldn't want to life if I had to live life alone. When i think back on experiences that I have had, the emotions, the senses, what fun is it to keep it to yourself. I think that if you have experienced something good, share it with the ones you know so they can experience it to. Share the wealth.

Enjoy life!!!

Roger

NEXT:

Sunday, April 18, 2004

feelings.....

I'm sick of games. I want to meet someone real. Someone I can fall in love with, spend the rest of my life with. I know it sounds corny, but I'm tired of playing around.

I've had girlfriends, serious relationships, fuck buddies, etc. I want to meet the one who I will be excited about waking up with for the rest of my life. Someone I can just live my life with. Our life. I'm tired of looking for it. I know I won't find it if I do look for it. The harder I try, the worse I do. It just leads to fucked up situations.

The heart ache you feel when you think you are so close, but you're not is so intense. Each time it makes you stronger, but each time you fall in love again it hurts even worse because it hurts a new part, a part you didn't know existed. I don't believe that it is always lust at first sight either. Lust is when you are sexually attracted to someone mainly, and you begin to accept them as a person afterward. Love, you can't define love, and you're stupid if you think you can because it means something different to everyone.

Love to me, it just means being close to that person means something. It is so difficult to describe. The feeling that goes through your body when you see that person, and you know they don't care about anything else in the world at that moment but you, and you feel exactly the same way. Because you know no matter how bad things get, no matter what happens, they will be there for you, and when you see them your problems momentarily just wash away. It's just a feeling, but when you meet someone that makes you feel that way it's like getting a new lease on life. Then if it goes to shit, for whatever reason, the feeling is exactly 100% opposite it eats at your insides.

When I think back to all of the relationships I have had, some still hurt. The heart is like the universe. Its so vast, so unexplored. It can love and hurt in ways we cannot imagine until we experience it. Like a puzzle you're missing pieces to, and you don't know what it's supposed to look like either. Each piece of euphoria and agony help complete the picture. As you move farther away from those first few pieces you might loose sight of what some of those parts were, but you will never forget what each one felt like when you go back over them. Each piece of the puzzle that makes up your heart is unique. Just remember that the pieces in a puzzle are all the same size. Just because you can feel one more then another, doesn't mean that it dominates the whole picture.

Roger

On deck next is:

Wednesday, April 21, 2004

You have to be spontanious

Today I drove around aimlessly for the first time in a few monts and if felt really really good. I headed south down PCH to laguna, drove through the hils and looked at some of the beautiful houses, admired the view, and drove home. It took me a good 2 or 3 hours. I went places I hadn't before, and felt a feeling of freedom that iI have been missing for a good 10 years. I am not getting another normal job. It's just not for me. It feels so good to drive around on a day beautiful as today was. It allows you to leave your troubles behind you, but not to far behind. I stopped and bought a vanilla shake and stared out over the ocean for a little while. sat in the car for a little bit at a dead end street up above PCH and just admired the view some people get to see out their bedroom window everyday. It reminds me of when I used to ditch school with my friends and head to Hollywood. We'd jump the truck, It would be me and my friend Chris. We had a lot of fun then. We would stop ay Carneys for a chilidog, always see some celebrity, and go to a museam, or some celebritys house, shit like that. It was always an adventure. We would just go places because we heard that there might be some historical significance. I remember Once we chased down Tom Cruise in Laguna Beach once when he went driving by us, watched an easter block security guard get in a fight with a arab guy because they were arguing about who was more american, then there was the time my friend blakes cousin from Hawaii tried to get these bloods to come over and have a drink of jack daniels with us. He didn't know any better. they were throwing gang signs at us, and Nelson was waving the bottle of jack in the air yelling and telling them to come over to us. I was pretty worried that night. I think that the busier your life gets, the more you need adventure and spontanious shit to keep you on your toes, and to let you have more fun. I used to be way more spontanious then I am now, but I am making sure my spontanious levels are going up. It is so much fun to just do somehing like I used to.

finally

Friday, September 17, 2004

What do you do when you're lonley?

When you FEEL lonley it's rough. Because wether you are lonley or not you are to yourself. It's one of those shitty things that you convince yourself when the people you want to talk to are not around to talk to, or they have just passed you by in life. You sit missing the feeling of comfort or happiness or whatever it was you got from them. Now it's gone. Isn't it funny how one person can complete you? Maybe not complete you, but how you can become so emotionally dependant on someone. How you base your complete happiness on this one scenario, this one situation in life then bam it's gone. Shouldn't do things like that. I'm hungry and I'm having trouble thinking straight now. Bye.

Roger