Today was a day that I should have never gotten out of bed. I should have kept the curtains drawn and the covers over my head. Its been a while sicne I have really put any true feelings in a post. I have been trying to supress the dark ones. But today I cannot do it. Today I have totally lost it and am truely standing on the edge of the deep end and I feel like jumping in.
So as I sit here today on this glorious Sunday afternoon I am filled with a lot of whys and whats. See I have spent the last few months trying to build my life up from the nothing that my exwife left it in. I thought I was making progress but apparently not. Now that my job is gone, I am looking around at the things I have done and aquired and realize that they amount to nothing. Atleast as far as the things that are important to me and keep me going from day to day. Sure I have been kicked when I have been down before and was able to get back up again. Hell in the Army I went to hell and back emotionally and physically. My first confirmed kill was on Christmas fucking morning and I have seen children executed in front of me and I was helpless to do anything about it. And when I left the Army I only had one goal in life, not be alone. And for a little while I thought I had met that goal but I was wrong and was left in this shit pool that I am stuck in and cant get out of. As I said before I have been down before but this time I am having a hard time getting back up and staying up. And the longer it is taking, the more I am sinking into a self-destructive mode that is unlike any I have ever experienced. As I sit here I have been looking at just a couple of aspects of my life such as the fact that my divorce threw me into a depression that I have not been able to over come due to lonliness that is killing me inside worse than anyone can honestly understand. I have lost my job and jobs here in SC are hard to come by. Atleast any that will allow me to survive living alone. And then there is the fact that I have a illness that if goes much longer with out surgery will spread and become inoperable and therefore terminal. So how can I look at this week like any of it is going to get better? And that is where my bigest problem is right now. I have lost the willpower to fight my way out of this. Everytime I do, I just start to get to the top of the hill and then get kicked back down. But not all the way, just to the edge where its not hopeless but myserable to begin the climb again. I think that is why my self destructiveness is kicking in. It wants to kick me again to put me closer to the very bottom where it will be impossible to start the climb again and therefore have no reason to wake up tomorrow. hell maybe its a good thing I cant find my rent money right now (its lost in my aparrtment somewhere) cause there is a part of me that wants to blow it on booze and sex... Wouldnt that be ironic.. I finally get some fun and cure the lonliness which is what I need to give me the motivation to go on, but in turn it will cause me to get evicted and be homeless.... Ha if "life" had a physical form, I would punch it in the throat right now. If Fate were standing in front of me I would kick her in her slats....
So yeah there are still more bad days than good. I cant even finish a decent dream, they start good and just when I find peace in the dream world, they get screwed and turn to nightmares. The only good moments I have are wrong for me to have and at times leaves me feeling like a horrible person. I just dont see tomorrow being any different or next week or even next year for that matter. Its become hopeless and MADDENING!!! And wouldnt you know it, I finished the tequila last night, I cant find the key to my glove box that has my lortabs in it and am only left with beer to drink. God this is gonna be a long night to get through...
All of us are travelers lost,
our tickets arranged at a cost
unknown but beyond our means
-enigmatic, strange unreal-
leaves us unsure of how to feel.
No postmortem journey is as rife
with more mystery than this thing called life.
-The Book of Counted Sorrows
So as I sit here today on this glorious Sunday afternoon I am filled with a lot of whys and whats. See I have spent the last few months trying to build my life up from the nothing that my exwife left it in. I thought I was making progress but apparently not. Now that my job is gone, I am looking around at the things I have done and aquired and realize that they amount to nothing. Atleast as far as the things that are important to me and keep me going from day to day. Sure I have been kicked when I have been down before and was able to get back up again. Hell in the Army I went to hell and back emotionally and physically. My first confirmed kill was on Christmas fucking morning and I have seen children executed in front of me and I was helpless to do anything about it. And when I left the Army I only had one goal in life, not be alone. And for a little while I thought I had met that goal but I was wrong and was left in this shit pool that I am stuck in and cant get out of. As I said before I have been down before but this time I am having a hard time getting back up and staying up. And the longer it is taking, the more I am sinking into a self-destructive mode that is unlike any I have ever experienced. As I sit here I have been looking at just a couple of aspects of my life such as the fact that my divorce threw me into a depression that I have not been able to over come due to lonliness that is killing me inside worse than anyone can honestly understand. I have lost my job and jobs here in SC are hard to come by. Atleast any that will allow me to survive living alone. And then there is the fact that I have a illness that if goes much longer with out surgery will spread and become inoperable and therefore terminal. So how can I look at this week like any of it is going to get better? And that is where my bigest problem is right now. I have lost the willpower to fight my way out of this. Everytime I do, I just start to get to the top of the hill and then get kicked back down. But not all the way, just to the edge where its not hopeless but myserable to begin the climb again. I think that is why my self destructiveness is kicking in. It wants to kick me again to put me closer to the very bottom where it will be impossible to start the climb again and therefore have no reason to wake up tomorrow. hell maybe its a good thing I cant find my rent money right now (its lost in my aparrtment somewhere) cause there is a part of me that wants to blow it on booze and sex... Wouldnt that be ironic.. I finally get some fun and cure the lonliness which is what I need to give me the motivation to go on, but in turn it will cause me to get evicted and be homeless.... Ha if "life" had a physical form, I would punch it in the throat right now. If Fate were standing in front of me I would kick her in her slats....
So yeah there are still more bad days than good. I cant even finish a decent dream, they start good and just when I find peace in the dream world, they get screwed and turn to nightmares. The only good moments I have are wrong for me to have and at times leaves me feeling like a horrible person. I just dont see tomorrow being any different or next week or even next year for that matter. Its become hopeless and MADDENING!!! And wouldnt you know it, I finished the tequila last night, I cant find the key to my glove box that has my lortabs in it and am only left with beer to drink. God this is gonna be a long night to get through...
All of us are travelers lost,
our tickets arranged at a cost
unknown but beyond our means
-enigmatic, strange unreal-
leaves us unsure of how to feel.
No postmortem journey is as rife
with more mystery than this thing called life.
-The Book of Counted Sorrows