Last night was a hard night. I came into infomation that someone as I had predicted, used my ex-wife and has left her broken hearted. This was news that I have been waiting to hear for months now so I could scream to the heaven "You were an adultering whore and you got what you deserved!" But as soon as I got the news, instead of feeling like that, I broke down and my heart hurt for her. I ended up getting in my car to drive around and listen to loud music to stop the voices in my head that wanted to call her and be there for her in her moment of need as I had for 6 years. But next thing I knew I found myself standing in the very spot we were married at and broke down into tears. I spent months trying to hate her for the things she did and lashed back at her to try and hurt her as she had hurt me. I know that isnt a healthy thing to do but I couldnt help it. And just as I thought I had truely turned the love I had for her into hate, this happened and I became overwhelmed with feelings for her again. But I cant believe how much I miss having her in my life and how empty I feel with out her. It is hard to function around people, hard to trust people and hard to believe that I will ever get passed this. I know it takes a long time to get over someone that you really loved. She didnt really love me and therefore was over me before we even split. And I know that there is no chance that we will ever be anyhting again, not even friends. Hell as much as I loved her, I wouldnt want that even if she tried to reconcile. But all of it has left me so afraid. Of what exactly I dont know. But my fear is keeping me from being able to go out and take that risk to find someone that I can share something, anything with. SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE A CHANCE ON ME, TAKE MY HAND, LEAD ME OUT OF THIS AND SHOW ME THAT IT IS OK TO TRUST AGAIN....
To make things even worse, the added stress of last night fucked my already fucked system.
And all in all I feel like a dumbshit... I should have divorced her the first time this shit happened. And there was something developing at that at that I time I couldnt admit to anyone, not even myself that almost caused me to not take her back. But like a dumbshit I did and I realize now what a monumental mistake that was. I wish there was a machine that at moments like now, you could look into it and see what the outcome would have been had you taken a different path or turned right instead or left.... But there is no such thing. There is no way to turn back time to correct it. And now I must live with my mistakes..... Which I can live with... I have no choice but to... But how do I change the trend of making these bad choices when it comes to my love life?
Question of the day (since my head is so screwed up):
1) If you had a disease like lets say cancer at a young age and the doctors can operate and treat it for now. But it means that chances are you will get it again, possibly in other areas and that most likly it will be something that you will fight for the rest of your life knowing that it will someday take you out, do you A) Say "I will fight the good fight as it comes no matter how sick it makes me or no matter how shitty it makes my life." or do you say "Hey doc, I dont want the operation, so how many years am I looking at before this takes me down?" and try to have all the fun you can during that time....
Morbid? Yes... How can I ask something so morbid? Because it is actually something that I am trying to decide right now. In my life I have always been the surviver. I have broken more bones than I can count, my neck included when I had a parachute malfunction in the Army. I have been stabbed twice, once in the rib cage and once in the throat with an ice pic. I had a motorcycle accident that should have killed me but didnt. I survived being shot at, shelled with mortars and walking through live mine fields in the army and oh yeah I had a heart attack when I was 18. the list can go on and on. Its like life has been trying to take me out for years now... And now i have cancer and I havent been completely honest with the people around me when it comes to how sick and weak it is making me. People have always talked about how strong I am to survive all the bull shit in my life and how I will get through all of this now... the problem is that I am not as strong as I used to be. time is taking its toll on me... Im not even sure I want to survive this... I feel so tired all the time... I dont know if I can rebuild my life and my health at the same time.... And i dont know if I can survive all of this alone....
My horoscope for today couldnt be more correct:
Aries
March 20 - April 18
It could be that you are a bit confused, dear Aries, and nothing seems to fit right. You feel like you are faced with a hundred different roads and are unsure of which one to follow. All the choices seem reasonable, and you may be scared that you are missing out on something great if you choose the wrong one.
Forgive me my rant... Forgive me my weakness... Hell nobody reads this shit anyways...lol
To make things even worse, the added stress of last night fucked my already fucked system.
And all in all I feel like a dumbshit... I should have divorced her the first time this shit happened. And there was something developing at that at that I time I couldnt admit to anyone, not even myself that almost caused me to not take her back. But like a dumbshit I did and I realize now what a monumental mistake that was. I wish there was a machine that at moments like now, you could look into it and see what the outcome would have been had you taken a different path or turned right instead or left.... But there is no such thing. There is no way to turn back time to correct it. And now I must live with my mistakes..... Which I can live with... I have no choice but to... But how do I change the trend of making these bad choices when it comes to my love life?
Question of the day (since my head is so screwed up):
1) If you had a disease like lets say cancer at a young age and the doctors can operate and treat it for now. But it means that chances are you will get it again, possibly in other areas and that most likly it will be something that you will fight for the rest of your life knowing that it will someday take you out, do you A) Say "I will fight the good fight as it comes no matter how sick it makes me or no matter how shitty it makes my life." or do you say "Hey doc, I dont want the operation, so how many years am I looking at before this takes me down?" and try to have all the fun you can during that time....
Morbid? Yes... How can I ask something so morbid? Because it is actually something that I am trying to decide right now. In my life I have always been the surviver. I have broken more bones than I can count, my neck included when I had a parachute malfunction in the Army. I have been stabbed twice, once in the rib cage and once in the throat with an ice pic. I had a motorcycle accident that should have killed me but didnt. I survived being shot at, shelled with mortars and walking through live mine fields in the army and oh yeah I had a heart attack when I was 18. the list can go on and on. Its like life has been trying to take me out for years now... And now i have cancer and I havent been completely honest with the people around me when it comes to how sick and weak it is making me. People have always talked about how strong I am to survive all the bull shit in my life and how I will get through all of this now... the problem is that I am not as strong as I used to be. time is taking its toll on me... Im not even sure I want to survive this... I feel so tired all the time... I dont know if I can rebuild my life and my health at the same time.... And i dont know if I can survive all of this alone....
My horoscope for today couldnt be more correct:
Aries
March 20 - April 18
It could be that you are a bit confused, dear Aries, and nothing seems to fit right. You feel like you are faced with a hundred different roads and are unsure of which one to follow. All the choices seem reasonable, and you may be scared that you are missing out on something great if you choose the wrong one.
Forgive me my rant... Forgive me my weakness... Hell nobody reads this shit anyways...lol
you know i'm here...