deadmillion

I love kids, and I know I want a family some day. But as I get older, the chances of starting a family get slimmer and slimmer. I'll be 30 in a few months already, and I haven't even had a serious longterm relationship yet. I've always put more focus on starting a career, getting my degree, buying a house, that sort of stuff, and finding a certain someone just wasn't on my priority list untill I was at least in my mid-twenties already. Now, sometimes I wonder if maybe I've missed my chance.
Not that I'm overly gloomy. I mean, my brother might still have kids, even if I don't. And nieces and nephews are really cool, too. Or who knows, maybe tomorrow I'll bump into that special girl, and everything will work out. I'm just ready for the next phase in my life.

This one kind of ties in with the previous thought. On the one hand, I'm dealing (still) with my depression right now, and rationally speaking I don't think a relationship would be best at this time. Not for me, as I should focus on getting better instead of worrying about relationship stuff, and not for her, because I don't want to saddle anyone up with my issues. And most of the time, I don't mind being by myself really.
On the other hand, I do feel lonely once in a while. And who knows, maybe having someone special might actually help me get better, make me happy.
So I'm still kind of on the fence with this one. For the time being, I have decided I'm not going to be seriously looking for someone, but if something comes along, I should seize the opportunity.

There, I've said it. While, like any male (or female for that matter), I think about sex on occassion, I don't normally think about it every single day. But when I get depressed, or sick, my hormones for some reason always get turned up a notch. And lately, I've been both sick and depressed, so my sex drive has gotten kicked into major overdrive. So I apologise if I get inappropriate, or more so than usual anyway .
I don't see any sex happening in my near future though (no friends with benefits currently, and let's just say my last experience with random hook-ups didn't exactly entice me try that option again any time soon...), so hopefully my hormones will settle back down soon.

As some of you may or may not know, I'm at an increased risk of developing diabetes, due to my being seriously overweight (technically I'm obese, with a Body Mass Index of over 33) and my family history. Therefor, my doctor has recommended me to get tested about once a year. Lately, there have been a few symptoms that might indicate that I'm indeed diabetic, or in the early stages anyway. I pee a lot more, and I've started to drink more. I'm fatigued, and sometimes feel light-headed. But those symptoms are quite generic, so it could also very well be nothing important. What I should do, is get tested again. And before I make a big deal about it for myself, I don't even have to make an appointment with my doctor for it. Since my dad is a diabetic, I could just use his glucose meter. It's exactly the same model as they use at my doctor's office. All I'd have to do is put a drop of blood on a piece of paper. And I will know for sure.

But I'm afraid to. Sometimes, you just don't want to know. Because as long as you don't know, you can still deny it. You know what I mean?

This ties in with the previous item again. I don't like my weight. Yet it's almost impossible to lose any. I've been playing around with a program that calculates your energy intake compared to what your body needs. On average, I apparently consume about 2,000 calories a day during the week. For my weight and height, the program lists a recommended base daily intake of 2,700 calories, plus an additional 300 or so for the amount of walking and biking I do. My intake on the weekend varies since those are the only days that I allow myself to snack from time to time, so I might get close to 3,000 on some days. But I also get more exercise on the weekends since I do all my errants and shopping by bike or on foot. Overall, I still consume far less than what would be allowed for my size. Yet I still weigh almost 250 lbs, and I seem to be gaining again lately, rather than losing weight. It can get pretty de-motivating at times.

Work has been pretty busy, and on top of that, I just don't seem to get much done during a day. So deadlines are getting closer and closer. It's starting to stress me out. Work has been really supportive since I've been sick, but their patience is starting to run out. I don't blame them, but I really have to start proving myself. And it's hard. Because I'm still not back in full swing. And the more I want to prove myself and do well, the less successful I seem to be at it. So I've been pretty stressed lately, and worried about how long they'll continue to put up with me.
I don't have any contingency plans yet. But I think it's time to explore some options.Just in case, you know?

Whenever I get really depressed, I feel guilty. I mean, what do I have to get depressed about? Apart from money being tight sometimes when I was a kid, my life has been pretty uneventful. Fairly boring even. Unlike some of my friends, I haven't been abused, I haven't been through a painful divorce after a long relationship, I never had problems learning in school, my parents are still happily together, I haven't had serious health problems, none of that. I have a degree, I'm even studying to get another. I have a well-paying job, where I don't really have to worry about money. Yet I'm depressed, and people who have been far less fortunate than I have been, aren't. It just doesn't feel right. I know that depression is mostly due to a chemical imbalance in your brain rather than anything else, but still. What right do I have to be depressed?

Money's been kind of tight lately*. But I shouldn't be complaining about it, since it's my own fault. The "problem" with having a decent-paying job, is that you get used to having money for fun stuff. But when you want to save up money for that work you want done on the house, you need to adjust your shopping pattern, so you can set some money aside. Which I haven't been really successful at, as of yet. I still buy tons of movies and cd's every month, and I still never look at prices when I shop for groceries. Resorting to retail therapy when you're not feeling all too great doesn't really help that matter much, either. So my checking account keeps coming awefully close to 0 at the end of the past few months, which always makes me very nervous.
I really have to start making an effort at cutting back on my expenses. Or, I should stop whining, as I'm still able to pay all my bills on time, and don't have a maxed out credit card or loan or anything. So things really aren't that bad, compared to some of my friends.

*Tight isn't really the right word, as I have ample money in my savings account. But that's earmarked for financing the remodeling of my house, so I don't consider it as "my" money, if that makes sense. When I say tight, it means I don't have money left at the end of the month to set aside on my savings account.

Well, yeah. I've gone over each thing at least 30 times already, from drawing blueprints, to available budget, to what to do when, et cetera. I'm also considering to maybe alter the plans a bit. Apparently, adding a 20 by 20 floor to my (flat-roofed) house will cost about the same as the 20 by 6 ft extention to the back of the house that I was set on. Both options have their pros and cons, so it's something I should think about.