In these 28 years of life I now see that I have never been more wrong about things.
When you are a child, you are supposed to see the world for the beauty and miracle that it is, and honestly, it is. But you are shown these items through the jaded eyes of your parents and other random family members. I grew up in various bad; I call them poor, neighborhoods throughout the Greater downtown Dallas area. Growing up this way it taught me the most important lesson I have ever learned. In order to survive, you must be the strongest person left standing. At home, I had a drunken father that liked to see how well my mother, sister, and I took beatings. Being the only male, I received the brunt of his drunken anger. I remember stepping in front of a few punches or kicks aimed at another member of my immediate family to somehow save them from him. Being that I was labeled as an accelerated learner did not increase my chances of success however; it did increase my disdain and complete hatred for everyone. In the summers, I played baseball and stayed at my grandmothers house. At school, I was constantly tormented by the richer kids at school who made fun of your clothes, shoes, color of skin, or lack of hairstyle taught us all that we must always look our best and always be ready to defend yourself. Physical attacks came frequently and often without warning. Once again teaching us that in order to survive, you must be the strongest person left standing.
As an adolescent, the threat of losing your life on a daily basis was a real threat because of where we lived. Being different, in any way, was seen as weakness and the beatings that took place as a child grew in frequency and severity at school and home. I have been hospitalized more than once because of this and not once did I or could I ever back down, or give into anyone for any reason. At home, life was just as interesting. The teasing and instigation that took place demoted me from the gifted programs at school due to the amount of suspensions I received from fighting or just a complete lack of attention to my studies. At home, lets just say that, until the age of 14, things escalated. My father no longer took pleasure in the physical destruction of anyone but me. To me, that was acceptable, because my sister and mother no longer received their dose of drunken stupidity. Almost weekly me and my father would fight until one of us was unconscious, with me usually ending up being the one who was incoherent. This altered my view a bit, it proved, in order to survive, you must be the only person left standing.
Once I became a teenager things quieted a bit. Eventually, my family moved to a trailer park on the edge of Fort Worth, a town named Keller, where I spent my high school years as a poor kid, in a very rich school district. Instead of fighting, these kids hit at a place any teenager knows about, popularity. While popularity in high school is vastly overrated and even a bit sad, it is something we all could relate to, acceptance. All any teenager wants is someone to be there. I, being the new kid and being the only school aged teenager in the trailer park, never found that. Sure, girlfriends and friends came and went but none of it was ever real. Never substantial, never amazing, or unforgettable. I played sports, football and baseball, and picked up a part-time job, to stay away from the house and denying my father the chance to release his anger. Until I was 15, when I became the one left standing, after a drunken binge that ended up being his last. This proved my theory. In order to survive, you must be the only one left standing.
Learning a theory and putting it into practice inevitably killed any chance of me becoming the shining star of anything. All I became concerned with was being the one left standing. I became brave and uncaring, refusing to surrender to anything or anyone. It became my sole purpose to unleash hell upon any and all who dared to cross me. I recreated and redefined myself. I was no longer a person. I was a machine. No heart, just a calculated, automated emotional response. Used to fit any situation. One size fits all. To survive, you must be the only one left standing
On occasion I will meet someone who shares in the knowledge of power I have come to understand and wield with amazing accuracy and force. Leaving a path behind me scattered with souls I have destroyed along the way. I learned that we are still, in fact people, but not quite human. I refuse to believe that I could ever be associated with anyone that I consider to be less than me. I rebuilt myself to withstand any and all circumstances, without regret. To be alive, you must be the only one left standing.
Rebuilt people, like us, are an endangered species. There are not many of us left and these automatons that surround us can do nothing but hurt us. To be alive, you must stand.
Our time has run out.
When you are a child, you are supposed to see the world for the beauty and miracle that it is, and honestly, it is. But you are shown these items through the jaded eyes of your parents and other random family members. I grew up in various bad; I call them poor, neighborhoods throughout the Greater downtown Dallas area. Growing up this way it taught me the most important lesson I have ever learned. In order to survive, you must be the strongest person left standing. At home, I had a drunken father that liked to see how well my mother, sister, and I took beatings. Being the only male, I received the brunt of his drunken anger. I remember stepping in front of a few punches or kicks aimed at another member of my immediate family to somehow save them from him. Being that I was labeled as an accelerated learner did not increase my chances of success however; it did increase my disdain and complete hatred for everyone. In the summers, I played baseball and stayed at my grandmothers house. At school, I was constantly tormented by the richer kids at school who made fun of your clothes, shoes, color of skin, or lack of hairstyle taught us all that we must always look our best and always be ready to defend yourself. Physical attacks came frequently and often without warning. Once again teaching us that in order to survive, you must be the strongest person left standing.
As an adolescent, the threat of losing your life on a daily basis was a real threat because of where we lived. Being different, in any way, was seen as weakness and the beatings that took place as a child grew in frequency and severity at school and home. I have been hospitalized more than once because of this and not once did I or could I ever back down, or give into anyone for any reason. At home, life was just as interesting. The teasing and instigation that took place demoted me from the gifted programs at school due to the amount of suspensions I received from fighting or just a complete lack of attention to my studies. At home, lets just say that, until the age of 14, things escalated. My father no longer took pleasure in the physical destruction of anyone but me. To me, that was acceptable, because my sister and mother no longer received their dose of drunken stupidity. Almost weekly me and my father would fight until one of us was unconscious, with me usually ending up being the one who was incoherent. This altered my view a bit, it proved, in order to survive, you must be the only person left standing.
Once I became a teenager things quieted a bit. Eventually, my family moved to a trailer park on the edge of Fort Worth, a town named Keller, where I spent my high school years as a poor kid, in a very rich school district. Instead of fighting, these kids hit at a place any teenager knows about, popularity. While popularity in high school is vastly overrated and even a bit sad, it is something we all could relate to, acceptance. All any teenager wants is someone to be there. I, being the new kid and being the only school aged teenager in the trailer park, never found that. Sure, girlfriends and friends came and went but none of it was ever real. Never substantial, never amazing, or unforgettable. I played sports, football and baseball, and picked up a part-time job, to stay away from the house and denying my father the chance to release his anger. Until I was 15, when I became the one left standing, after a drunken binge that ended up being his last. This proved my theory. In order to survive, you must be the only one left standing.
Learning a theory and putting it into practice inevitably killed any chance of me becoming the shining star of anything. All I became concerned with was being the one left standing. I became brave and uncaring, refusing to surrender to anything or anyone. It became my sole purpose to unleash hell upon any and all who dared to cross me. I recreated and redefined myself. I was no longer a person. I was a machine. No heart, just a calculated, automated emotional response. Used to fit any situation. One size fits all. To survive, you must be the only one left standing
On occasion I will meet someone who shares in the knowledge of power I have come to understand and wield with amazing accuracy and force. Leaving a path behind me scattered with souls I have destroyed along the way. I learned that we are still, in fact people, but not quite human. I refuse to believe that I could ever be associated with anyone that I consider to be less than me. I rebuilt myself to withstand any and all circumstances, without regret. To be alive, you must be the only one left standing.
Rebuilt people, like us, are an endangered species. There are not many of us left and these automatons that surround us can do nothing but hurt us. To be alive, you must stand.
Our time has run out.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
always_kt:
also i agree with milinko on the pity thing, and everyone also can relate to one thing or another that u said... i know i can and i know she can jus as well as me...
melinko:
I am upset that these are the only comments on this u got 