If you're with me let me hear you say nothin'
If you're with me keep those hands apart.
So I'm gonna vent and fill the cyberworld with my self pity.
I think that's why they invented this whole "internet" thing.
I'm going to divide this into three separate spoilers, containing background, gripe 1 and gripe 2 respectively.
Yes, I approach life with a cold analytical hand. And tend to write in the same way, albeit with sentence fragments for dramatic effect.
SPOILERS! (Click to view) I'm negative. I don't like existence and I never have. I apparently had conversations with my mother when I was a child (by child I mean 6 or 7 years old) about how much I disliked life and longed for death. I don't remember these conversations, but my mother does.
Take this fact as you please. Perhaps it is inborn depression, perhaps something horrible happened to me that made me this way. I can guarantee you the latter did not happen; I had a very good childhood and as good of parents as one could have. This is to say I get along with my mother and hate my father as a person, but understand that his inaction as a parent was actually better for me (he's angry and bigoted). But if you don't believe in innate depression, assume something bad happened to me.
SPOILERS! (Click to view) I've never been close to anyone. Ever. Not even close to being close. I've tried to determine if I don't let myself get close to people, or if people avoid getting close to me. I've come to the conclusion that it's a little bit of both, but tends to lean a little bit more towards the latter. I'm a little off-putting with a very blunt, opinionated personality. I also possess many unpopular opinions about the world, and that can push people away. Throw in my obsession with gore, loud, obnoxious music, and pretty much any weird, crazy shit, and I can puch people away without even trying.
Now, this is kind of a background problem in my life. Being close to people has never been a priority to me, because it's always seemed like a weakness to me. Now that sounds like a great big bloody excuse. If I equate emotional closeness to weakness, I inherently become a stronger person. In my mind, not in reality. Though logically I can say "I don't need anyone," there is certainly a part of me that wants someone to try and be close to me, so I can have an excuse to let my defenses down. But no one ever has. You'd think it would happen once in my life.
SPOILERS! (Click to view) Women aren't attracted to me. I don't want this come out as "I'm amazing and women should love me," because that would be mighty presumptuous of me, and a hopelessly incorrect statement. However, as I don't consider myself an unattractive person, I find the entire lack of interest in me as both a sexual entity and a person as slightly strange. Women haven't flirted with me or hit on me since I was about 16 years old (when Trainspotting came out. Girls thought I resembled Ewan MacGregor, and thus I got plenty of interest, and therefore action), and of the hundreds of women I've been exposed to since that time, one would think someone would hit on me. Hell, more gay guys have hit on me than girls. It makes me wonder if the vibe I put out is so fucking bad that I drive women away without even opening my mouth (though it tends to be ever-open and spewing something epic or stupid, or epicilly stupid). This has come to a head lately and it's beginning to bother me. A lot. This actually applies to the "never been close" statement, because I would think this is a "I need a serious relationship" rant, as I'm edging ever-slowly towards the "old man" precipice.
If you actually read through all that, thank you.
I kind of need to get shit off my chest every once in awhile to put things into perspective. If I just write it down where there's no chance of anyone reading it, it tends to do nothing.
I'm not sure if these issues are cropping up due to the impending approach of the dreaded "30," but they are beginning to weigh heavily on my mind. Part of it is that the rejection I perceive from the world makes me feel like a peice of shit, but part of it is regret that I haven't done enough to make myself stop rejecting the world.
Please don't take this as fishing for compliments or assurances. That's not the intention at all. I'm just trying to find perspective.
Meh. I suppose life is only as shitty as you let it be, but I can't stop letting the world get to me.
Still bald, still bored, still lonely,
J.R.
P.S. You can tell how stressed/depressed I am by the amount of hair on my head. If I'm happy, I don't cut my hair, if I'm a little stressed, I cut it short, if I'm really frustrated with life, and shave myself bald.
Hence...
It kind of looks like I'm pursing my lips in that picture. It was not intentional, I assure you, m'dears/m'friends.
P.P.S. I forgot that Rise Against covers Anywhere You Want It (by Journey. Steve Perry like a motherfucker) on their Revolutions Per Minute record. And now I can't stop listening to it.
if you ever need to just rant, and dont feel like wasting blog space.. im here.
i understand you, maybe not in every way, but in most.. so i can be here for you - if you want it.
I'd like to talk to you about this in greater depth, but I don't think that we could do it here (at least not in a proper fashion). If you like, send me a message with some contact info so that I can get in touch with you.