Aquatic Adventures in Slumberland
Disturbingly, this title is actually indicative of the content of this blog.
So, about five or so years ago, I bought a used waterbed from my dear friend Kelley. She had just gotten a new one, and I did not have one. I gave her a little sum of money, and we took care of each other's situations, as friends are apt to do.
This is not your typical waterbed, mind you. This one has, instead of one water-filled mattress, a series of six big tubes. Not unlike a sextuplet of kong-sized condoms. Each one is filled to a certain point for firmness, and creates a waveless waterbed effect. pretty cool, huh? You don't even know. When combined with an eggcrate and jersey sheets, this simple sleeping set-up becomes the fucking Queen-size Ali Baba Land of Leisure and NapHappiness. It is the most comfortable thing in the world, next to lying in a bed of breasts. Or so I'm told. That is, as long as the bed doesn't spring a leak.
Mind you, I got a lot of good usage out of the bed before the first leak. I definitely got my money's worth. Then one not-so-magical evening, I woke up lying on a pool of wet sheets. You have no idea how freaked out you get when you think you pissed yourself as an adult. I tried to remember if I got smashed that night, but I was as sober as... well... waking up wet. Upon inspection (i smelled it. Gross.), I realized the bed had sprung a leak. A couple days of sleeping on the couch, and then i had a chance to get a patch kit at Wal-Mart. God, I realized just now this is boring as shit. Suffice it to say, I marvelled that such a miniscule pinprick could cause me to wake up half-drowning. I fixed it. All was well again, after cleaning the sheets.
This has happened probably a dozen times at this point. There have been times when I was just so not in the mood to deal with it that i would just sleep on my hard ass floor for months. Which tells you I've had my dry spells, if you know what I'm talking about. When you're sleeping on the floor, you just don't give a shit about that kind of thing, though.
So, I just fixed two leaks in two tubes. I'm almost out of Blue Magic, which is the stuff used to seal the holes. I keep it in the bathroom sliding vanity drawer thing, where it looks conspicuously unlike plastic sealant and more like some form of lube. Lo be the poor bastard that attempts to secretly lube up in my bathroom, whoever that deviant may be.
I am ready for the next step. I am ready to say goodbye to restful evening of slumber pleasure and hello to just a normal fucking bed. It's worth it, I think, to not wake up and recall the episode of Diff'rent Strokes where Arnold has a little nighttime problem. I am going to the expert, my good friend and fellow Bad Ass Mother Fucking Blogger Ben Edler. He works for mattress Firm, if I recall correctly, and they are available here. I'm pretty broke all the time, so maybe he can help me figure out the right kind of bed options I have.
Now for something fun! Ummmmm... or not. I'm just going to clean my sheets and Fabreze the fuck out of the bed.