daxtron

I had an awkward conversation with my ex on Facebook chat just now. she repeatedly told me how much her family misses me. Not how much she misses me. I understand that, I guess. I didn't want to say that I missed her either, lest it turn in to some grand misunderstanding about wanting to rekindle. Those ashes are cold. We were more of a smudge than a bonfire. Lots of smoke, not a lot of heat.

I started to remember what heat can be like this past weekend though. Feeling intensity and excitement at the mere prospect of being near someone. We're not good for each other in the long run, this new girl and I. Our age gap is wider than anything I'd have previously before considered, but there's something about her. She's anxious and kinda...I want to say damaged but that seems mean-spirited and I don't intend it that way. She's also beautiful, sensual, and just the right amount of dirty. And unexpectedly passionate. Sometimes she just radiates and it's amazing. Like the sun coming through clouds.

I'm not going to be able to keep her though. I'm a distraction, and I know it. I just have to find a way to let myself enjoy it while I can. Looking at the empty wine bottles still on the counter helps. And the pieces of the bed frame we broke. David Sedaris might too, but I feel ridiculous reading aloud to myself and my dog doesn't giggle in the right spots.

Those things make me smile, but then comes the nagging fear that there isn't going to be a next time, and regret that I didn't do as well as I'd hoped memorizing that constellation of freckles on her back.