So we just saw David Fincher's Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. Don't ask where.
WOW Right?
Now I've seen the swedish originals because subtitles don't scare me and the rest of the world makes good movies too, and I love them. LOVE them. Gritty, compelling, sexy, fucked, etc etc.
So when I heard they were being remade
Frankly I still don't know how I feel about it...
YES it had all of David Fincher's classics. Gritty scenery, fast pans, depravity.
YES Rooney Mara is amazing as lisbeth. She makes it all her own and you're too enthralled to compare.
YES Trent Reznor's music is awesome
YES the story is even a little sharper and tighter in like, 2 places.
YES I like Daniel Craig as Mikael
But with each passing thought all that is washed away by two problems so glaring, so annoying, so grating that I...cant....like...this movie....
When I tried to make myself FEEL better about finchers american version, I deduced it would be an american version. I figured to mimic the white sheen of sweden in winter, it would be set on some New England-esque, northeastern island. Where old money, prejudice and blanket snows really DO exist!
"A TRUE AMERICAN GOTHIC TALE" I rejoiced. All set in the world of fincher melodically plotted with Reznor. It gets to where I am almost excited. And then...
It's. Set. In. Sweden...
The movie is set in the exact same place as its namesake! EXCEPT instead of in swedish, as you would expect swedes to speak (hahahahahaiknowrightitssillytotally) Almost everyone is taking with a stupid, grating, gnawing, eye rollingly bad "swedish" accent!
WHY would you even bother doing it! WHY would you not guess that We would know that swedes probably don't all talk like gay robots. WHY put it in the same goddamn place to the same plot with the same characters just to listen to american actors all talk like shitty germans! The only one who doesn't even bother is Daniel Craig, who i'm sure was like, "Yeah fuck that you all sound stupid."
Fincher takes a perfect opportunity to make a uniquely american movie about our own dark past hiding behind the crumbling mansions of waning dynasties, and instead, idk, accidentally hires the originals location guy? Forgot what remake meant? WANTED the movie to cost more? No wonder the fucking thing cost 90 Million! Do you have Any idea what the dollar is worth overseas right now? You could have done that same movie in the states for 35 tops.
*SIGH* but I digress. (Especially since orginally american producers wanted it to be REALLY american and cast scarlett johanssen as lisbeth, have her be an antisocial biker chick on a harley, and call it the girl with the tribal tattoo. I'm not kidding. Even hearing me say it in my head makes me quiver and nauseous
)
Ultimately accents and locale only go to aesthetic. Lets talk about story.
Oh yeah, SPOILERS or whatever.
Now in the original Martin Vangar is, on the surface, supportive of Mikael's hiring to find his sisters killer, but in reality, when he realizes Mikael is looking into other murders HE committed, he tries to maim/scare/kill Martin by taking a shot at him in the woods. When Mikael lives, Martin plays concerned and keeps pretending to be helpful, UNTIL Mikael finds evidence that will eventually lead to Martin, SO THATS when Martin DECIDES to kill Mikael in his basement of horrors. K? Good? Great.
Now for some reaason, Fincher finds this not confusing enough? So he "fixes" it.
In HIS version, Mikael finds out that Martindid it and goes to Martins house to snoop. Martin catches Mikael outside his house and MIkael is allSUP BUDDY!
But Martin is suspicious so he lures Mikael BACK in, pulls a gun and takes him to his basement of horrors, where he ADMITS to INTENTIONALLY missing Mikael when shooting at him.
Now watch this.
Mikael goes "WELL IT DIDN'T WORK, IM HERE" (thinking Martin shot at him to scare him away)
BUT THEN MARTIN GOES
"IT DID WORK. YOU'RE HERE."
.....wait......what?
If you wanted to lure him to your house to kill him this whole time, why not do it the other times he was over, or any of the times you could have just been like, "Hey dude comer over." Back when he totally trusted you? Also why admit to wanting to always kill him, if you just now found out he even knew anything about it? Why did you want to kill him at all? Thats never asked or explained. Just that Martin only kills girls, but is gonna kill Mikael, and he didnt intend to, but always meant to. Apparantly. Then IT GETS WORSE. Martin gets all crazy when he thinks Mikael found out who really killed his sister, Like he really DID want Mikael to find out who did it, but earlier asks Mikael why he didn't just go home! Like he not only never meant to kill him but then obviously NOT find out who killed his sister?
Like the earwig in Beastmaster, This entire portion of the film, will literally, EAT YOUR BRAIN ALIVE.
I am down to just enough gray matter to finish this post. By tomorrow I will no doubt be a drooling simpleton, all thanks to this goddamn movie.
In closing, Don't remake amazing, two year old foreign films. But if you absolutely must, then work harder at it. Otherwise just quit bitching and read the fucking subtitles.
WOW Right?
Now I've seen the swedish originals because subtitles don't scare me and the rest of the world makes good movies too, and I love them. LOVE them. Gritty, compelling, sexy, fucked, etc etc.
So when I heard they were being remade
Frankly I still don't know how I feel about it...
YES it had all of David Fincher's classics. Gritty scenery, fast pans, depravity.
YES Rooney Mara is amazing as lisbeth. She makes it all her own and you're too enthralled to compare.
YES Trent Reznor's music is awesome
YES the story is even a little sharper and tighter in like, 2 places.
YES I like Daniel Craig as Mikael
But with each passing thought all that is washed away by two problems so glaring, so annoying, so grating that I...cant....like...this movie....
When I tried to make myself FEEL better about finchers american version, I deduced it would be an american version. I figured to mimic the white sheen of sweden in winter, it would be set on some New England-esque, northeastern island. Where old money, prejudice and blanket snows really DO exist!
"A TRUE AMERICAN GOTHIC TALE" I rejoiced. All set in the world of fincher melodically plotted with Reznor. It gets to where I am almost excited. And then...
It's. Set. In. Sweden...
The movie is set in the exact same place as its namesake! EXCEPT instead of in swedish, as you would expect swedes to speak (hahahahahaiknowrightitssillytotally) Almost everyone is taking with a stupid, grating, gnawing, eye rollingly bad "swedish" accent!
WHY would you even bother doing it! WHY would you not guess that We would know that swedes probably don't all talk like gay robots. WHY put it in the same goddamn place to the same plot with the same characters just to listen to american actors all talk like shitty germans! The only one who doesn't even bother is Daniel Craig, who i'm sure was like, "Yeah fuck that you all sound stupid."
Fincher takes a perfect opportunity to make a uniquely american movie about our own dark past hiding behind the crumbling mansions of waning dynasties, and instead, idk, accidentally hires the originals location guy? Forgot what remake meant? WANTED the movie to cost more? No wonder the fucking thing cost 90 Million! Do you have Any idea what the dollar is worth overseas right now? You could have done that same movie in the states for 35 tops.
*SIGH* but I digress. (Especially since orginally american producers wanted it to be REALLY american and cast scarlett johanssen as lisbeth, have her be an antisocial biker chick on a harley, and call it the girl with the tribal tattoo. I'm not kidding. Even hearing me say it in my head makes me quiver and nauseous
)Ultimately accents and locale only go to aesthetic. Lets talk about story.
Oh yeah, SPOILERS or whatever.
Now in the original Martin Vangar
is, on the surface, supportive of Mikael's hiring to find his sisters killer, but in reality, when he realizes Mikael is looking into other murders HE committed, he tries to maim/scare/kill Martin by taking a shot at him in the woods. When Mikael lives, Martin plays concerned and keeps pretending to be helpful, UNTIL Mikael finds evidence that will eventually lead to Martin, SO THATS when Martin DECIDES to kill Mikael in his basement of horrors. K? Good? Great.Now for some reaason, Fincher finds this not confusing enough? So he "fixes" it.
In HIS version, Mikael finds out that Martin
did it and goes to Martins house to snoop. Martin catches Mikael outside his house and MIkael is allSUP BUDDY! But Martin is suspicious so he lures Mikael BACK in, pulls a gun and takes him to his basement of horrors, where he ADMITS to INTENTIONALLY missing Mikael when shooting at him.
Now watch this.
Mikael goes
"WELL IT DIDN'T WORK, IM HERE" (thinking Martin shot at him to scare him away) BUT THEN MARTIN GOES
"IT DID WORK. YOU'RE HERE.".....wait......what?
If you wanted to lure him to your house to kill him this whole time, why not do it the other times he was over, or any of the times you could have just been like, "Hey dude comer over." Back when he totally trusted you? Also why admit to wanting to always kill him, if you just now found out he even knew anything about it? Why did you want to kill him at all? Thats never asked or explained. Just that Martin only kills girls, but is gonna kill Mikael, and he didnt intend to, but always meant to. Apparantly. Then IT GETS WORSE. Martin gets all crazy when he thinks Mikael found out who really killed his sister, Like he really DID want Mikael to find out who did it, but earlier asks Mikael why he didn't just go home! Like he not only never meant to kill him but then obviously NOT find out who killed his sister?
Like the earwig in Beastmaster, This entire portion of the film, will literally, EAT YOUR BRAIN ALIVE.
I am down to just enough gray matter to finish this post. By tomorrow I will no doubt be a drooling simpleton, all thanks to this goddamn movie.
In closing, Don't remake amazing, two year old foreign films. But if you absolutely must, then work harder at it. Otherwise just quit bitching and read the fucking subtitles.