ok, i wanna talk.
the problem is that i need a sparring partner, and my boyfriend is not that, so i only end up hurting him. i read that this isn't entirely unhealthy, because this kind of love isn't about breaking each other down or anything, it's just some silly bickering followed by what i hear is supposed to be awesome make-up sex. i hear these are the people who are sneaking into each other's rooms at nursing homes and still getting it on. see, i wish he'd fight me, but i don't know why i always want to make things difficult. i just want someone to say no to me, i think. i want him to fight me. he makes it too easy.
i'm fucking neurotic though, i think, so yeah, i guess that part is pretty unhealthy. i have a hard time being happy sometimes because i don't feel like i deserve it, so i'm always fucking shit up. i said, "i don't want to hurt you anymore," and that's the truth, but i don't know how to do that. last night he said we could try starting over, and tonight i'm seeing him, so i'm pretty much going to lay myself out on the table. i just don't know when this is going to stop hurting so we can be okay. you'd think that someone who lives most of her life in silence would have herself pretty figured out by now. i don't. i know i fucking hurt, though.
so later last night i tried to distract myself by talking to a friend. well, ok, he's not really my friend, because if he cared at all, he would see through me and not tell me some story about some guy someone knew three years ago. he's always telling me other people's stories because all he ever does for everyone else is listen, but then he forgets that maybe i have something to say too. pretty much all he ever does is bombard me with other people's drama, and only when there's no one else to talk to. i don't want to be that guy's friend anymore. he asked me to hang out one time, and i thought we were gonna have some quality friend-hanging-out time, but i came over, and it turns out that his roommate went out and he wanted to make out. that's no friend. i should've known, because he only visits when he needs something, and the only other time we talk is online or when we accidentally run into each other. you'd think someone who lived on the same floor and who calls you their friend would fucking want to say hello some time. what a fucking asshole. i probably shouldn't have written all that, because he's a member, and on my friends list, but fuck that. if you're reading this, that's the truth and i pretty much don't fucking like you, you douchebag, so go tell your problems to someone else instead of dropping them on me just because jules is asleep or something.
he's probably not reading this.
so anyway, today is going to last forever. which i guess is funny, because it's groundhog day.
on a lighter note, i am talking to my cousin, and he's sending me pictures of his band, and they look like they're pretty much fucking shit up, in the good way. "Check out my PRESENCE," he says.
if you read all this, then thanks.
the problem is that i need a sparring partner, and my boyfriend is not that, so i only end up hurting him. i read that this isn't entirely unhealthy, because this kind of love isn't about breaking each other down or anything, it's just some silly bickering followed by what i hear is supposed to be awesome make-up sex. i hear these are the people who are sneaking into each other's rooms at nursing homes and still getting it on. see, i wish he'd fight me, but i don't know why i always want to make things difficult. i just want someone to say no to me, i think. i want him to fight me. he makes it too easy.
i'm fucking neurotic though, i think, so yeah, i guess that part is pretty unhealthy. i have a hard time being happy sometimes because i don't feel like i deserve it, so i'm always fucking shit up. i said, "i don't want to hurt you anymore," and that's the truth, but i don't know how to do that. last night he said we could try starting over, and tonight i'm seeing him, so i'm pretty much going to lay myself out on the table. i just don't know when this is going to stop hurting so we can be okay. you'd think that someone who lives most of her life in silence would have herself pretty figured out by now. i don't. i know i fucking hurt, though.
so later last night i tried to distract myself by talking to a friend. well, ok, he's not really my friend, because if he cared at all, he would see through me and not tell me some story about some guy someone knew three years ago. he's always telling me other people's stories because all he ever does for everyone else is listen, but then he forgets that maybe i have something to say too. pretty much all he ever does is bombard me with other people's drama, and only when there's no one else to talk to. i don't want to be that guy's friend anymore. he asked me to hang out one time, and i thought we were gonna have some quality friend-hanging-out time, but i came over, and it turns out that his roommate went out and he wanted to make out. that's no friend. i should've known, because he only visits when he needs something, and the only other time we talk is online or when we accidentally run into each other. you'd think someone who lived on the same floor and who calls you their friend would fucking want to say hello some time. what a fucking asshole. i probably shouldn't have written all that, because he's a member, and on my friends list, but fuck that. if you're reading this, that's the truth and i pretty much don't fucking like you, you douchebag, so go tell your problems to someone else instead of dropping them on me just because jules is asleep or something.
he's probably not reading this.
so anyway, today is going to last forever. which i guess is funny, because it's groundhog day.
on a lighter note, i am talking to my cousin, and he's sending me pictures of his band, and they look like they're pretty much fucking shit up, in the good way. "Check out my PRESENCE," he says.
if you read all this, then thanks.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
My only advice is to argue about things outside of your relationship. Having a difference in opinion is ok, attacking him is not. See?
Hope things work out.
My favorite thing and why you're on my friends list is because you're true to yourself, you're honest almst to a fault and you're actually willing to "lay yourself out on the table" basically for everyone to see.
You're not asking too much at all, just the wrong people always make it seem that way I suppose.