daughter

Don't you ever just wish you could take things back? Wouldn't that make it all so much easier?

I hate when I get into these moods. I start thinking about all the things I've done wrong. I've never royally fucked up before, thankfully, but I have done plenty of little things that I just wish I wouldn't have done. They were things done out of anger, spite, or just pure impulse, and looking back they just weren't worth it. If I would have calmed down for a minute and thought about what I was doing, then I never would have done them, and I wouldn't have to feel guilty or worry about losing friends.

One example is something that happened here on my blog. My boyfriend's ex, who has been my friend for a while, got mad at me because she thought I wrote something in her Honesty Box or her Formspring or something like that. Someone had tried to name all the people she slept with, and I think they called her a slut or something, and she thought it was me. I got really mad at her in return, because she messaged me saying that she lost her virginity to my boyfriend, when I had previously thought that wasn't true. My boyfriend said it wasn't true and I got really mad and jealous and took it out on her in my SG blog. I said a bunch of things about her that weren't true. I didn't know she would find my blog and read it and have her feelings hurt. Since then I've made sure to make all my blogs Members Only, but that's beside the point. She did forgive me for it but I feel like I've damaged my friendship with her forever, like she'll never think of me the same. If I just would have counted to ten and THOUGHT about it, I wouldn't have written such a nasty blog about someone who I care about. We are nice to each other now, but I am always worrying that she secretly hates me. I wouldn't have that worry if I just wouldn't have written the blog. She's one of the only girls I've ever related to on a close level, and I feel like I fucked that up instead of letting it grow like I should have.

Another one I think about sometimes is a letter I wrote to an ex-boyfriend. He broke up with me when I was a sophomore in high school, and I almost immediately moved on. But I got scared. I had been with that guy from age thirteen to age sixteen and done a lot of growing with him, and I didn't know how to have a life without him in it. So instead of continuing to move on in a healthy way like I was doing, I wrote him this long horrible letter begging to have him back and claiming that no one would ever love him as much as I did. And I wrote it in his goddamn yearbook, that he's going to have for the rest of his life. I hate that I did that. First off, I obviously hate that I wrote something so stupid and embarrassing in a yearbook that his kids will probably look at one day. Secondly, I hate it because I was LYING and I knew I was lying. I didn't want him back at all, and I knew I didn't love him. But I just didn't want things to change. I wanted to go back to the routine I was comfortable with, so I lied to him to try and get my life back the way it had been. It was just stupid. I've since apologized to him about it and he said he didn't really care, but every time I see a yearbook I think about how I ruined his and lied to him.

There are lots of things like that. I've just done so many little, stupid things that I didn't have to do, and they resulted in some kind of disaster. I want to take them all back. If I could write a letter to my fourteen-year old self, I'd say to just THINK about things before I do them.

I don't understand why life lessons work the way they do. You have to make mistakes to learn. But that just isn't fair, because in making those mistakes, you could potentially fuck something up beyond repair. Why do we have to take such huge risks to learn anything?