Music,,,,what would I do without music to mend my wings when they fracture, not entirely broken, but wounded enough to prevent flight.
My 'Atomic Particles' lil' speel of my previous journal escalated into a miniature Chernobyl, slowly like a reactor core heating past the point of safety. My poor lil' noggin' broke open like an egg, with yolk spilling all around, and no napkin to help soak up the mess! It's my own fault for being so clumsy when cooking with the eggs of my life. Fractured eggshells unpleasantly, and unexpectedly, crunching like horrible sand in my teeth .
At a party and suddenly I just wanted to be so far away from everyone. Music was playing that was touching my mind and the walls felt like a cage. My restless body paced the room, not like a psycho or anything(I hope!) but like a tiger wanting to get out and breath! Escape the captivity of it's environment. 3 am, people drunk left and right, and I just wanted to be in Big Sur on the bluffs, ocean wind knocking me down, blowing all the hurt from my entire being, Just imagine! The full moon above and my lungs full of fresh air, arms spread, so ready to fly out over the sea, except I can't. No wings. Human girl.
"To embrace humanity is to suffer it as well."
That's the line that came to me, a tiny revelation, while peeing. I
I put myself out on a limb, on purpose, realizing that branch can absolutely break at any time, BUT it allures me so much more than the stable thick heavy branch, well worn by others. Trusted, safe, but lacking adventure and risk! Except the skinny branch, sometimes that damn thing breaks and there I go crashing to the ground, slow motion, dreamlike, unable to stop my fall, while watching it as an outsider the whole time. A dream sequence, minus the ability to pinch myself and wake up. Well, yes, I pinch myself anyway, consciously. "Wake up!" I scream to myself.
It's no use. I am the living unconsciousness brought to the surface. My mind and body have taken the reigns away from how I WANT to feel and they are deciding on their own how I WILL feel. What can I do but just sit back, hold on for dear life, and pray the ride along cliffsides ends sooner than later?
After what seemed an endless stretch of time, where, by that miracle of 'perspective,' seconds felt like minutes, minutes like hours almost. I exaggerate, but the point stands as the example of how time passed with the same joy as I might experience waiting for a dentist to get a tooth pulled. You just want to hurry up and get it over, but the wait is nerve wracking and terrying, and at the end, you know there is only more pain to endure before you finally get to heal.
I write my thoughts in vague circles. Apologies. You'll just have to get a hang of the imagery as I don't feel like going into details. It was all very accidental and such, just a wrong way down a dark road. LIke hitchiking on a beautiful day and then the driver ends up taking you somewhere you don't want to go and you're just waiting for the moment to jump out of the car. Every moment kills.
So it's the hour of wolves and midnight passes as we speak. I watched it come and go while driving home in my car, arguing with my body to stop feeling silly and nauseous over mind trips. Tummy still feels like a child's balloon at a carnival. Yanked up and down with the carelessness of young clumsy hands,
In the end, I just want to rise above my hurt and anger, which I will, but it will be a slightly rough road to get there. I have all that forgiveness inside of me, a sun waiting to rise, and I myself harvest my own darkside with which I have hurt people. I'm quite open about that and take responsibility as much as my weakness or strength allows me to at the time. For whatever reason, though, that doesn't help me when I am hurt, to say, "Well, look in the mirror first."
The people close to me are mirrors of myself to some extent, and sometimes, quite often actually, their actions that hurt me most are ones that somehow reflectt behavior of my own that I don't sit well with. By the same thought, I can't help but think, "That's so clear! How could you do that and not see, with bright lights, every detail?"
Anyway, next subject, I go back to school this week, after a break from it that lasted a human ice age. I'm excited, and nervous, and I just want to take the broom, sweep out the ashes and radiation of all that has messed up my mind lately, erase the 'etch-a-sketch' of mental trauma, and f'in smile, my goddamn arms extended wide, ready to embrace or tackle anything that comes my way.
Sincere smooches to all you who identify with what I write and wishing you all well with the sunrise.
And one last piece 'cuz I am quite aware certain brain's feet may walk upon this journal, it's okay, I totally forgive. We all have lapses in sight, me for example by all means. Yet, I am human, not the slick metal robot I might prefer at times, and with that, comes salty eye rain drops that cause rust. I just got to find Dorothy to pour some oil into the joints, but I got to be on own Dorothy. Can't wait for someone to be it for me, and that is what this journey, this endeavor onto the fragile branch, means to me. To take that risk, potentially fall flat on my face, but stand back up, ready with a bloody lip to try again , and smile.
My 'Atomic Particles' lil' speel of my previous journal escalated into a miniature Chernobyl, slowly like a reactor core heating past the point of safety. My poor lil' noggin' broke open like an egg, with yolk spilling all around, and no napkin to help soak up the mess! It's my own fault for being so clumsy when cooking with the eggs of my life. Fractured eggshells unpleasantly, and unexpectedly, crunching like horrible sand in my teeth .
At a party and suddenly I just wanted to be so far away from everyone. Music was playing that was touching my mind and the walls felt like a cage. My restless body paced the room, not like a psycho or anything(I hope!) but like a tiger wanting to get out and breath! Escape the captivity of it's environment. 3 am, people drunk left and right, and I just wanted to be in Big Sur on the bluffs, ocean wind knocking me down, blowing all the hurt from my entire being, Just imagine! The full moon above and my lungs full of fresh air, arms spread, so ready to fly out over the sea, except I can't. No wings. Human girl.
"To embrace humanity is to suffer it as well."
That's the line that came to me, a tiny revelation, while peeing. I
I put myself out on a limb, on purpose, realizing that branch can absolutely break at any time, BUT it allures me so much more than the stable thick heavy branch, well worn by others. Trusted, safe, but lacking adventure and risk! Except the skinny branch, sometimes that damn thing breaks and there I go crashing to the ground, slow motion, dreamlike, unable to stop my fall, while watching it as an outsider the whole time. A dream sequence, minus the ability to pinch myself and wake up. Well, yes, I pinch myself anyway, consciously. "Wake up!" I scream to myself.
It's no use. I am the living unconsciousness brought to the surface. My mind and body have taken the reigns away from how I WANT to feel and they are deciding on their own how I WILL feel. What can I do but just sit back, hold on for dear life, and pray the ride along cliffsides ends sooner than later?
After what seemed an endless stretch of time, where, by that miracle of 'perspective,' seconds felt like minutes, minutes like hours almost. I exaggerate, but the point stands as the example of how time passed with the same joy as I might experience waiting for a dentist to get a tooth pulled. You just want to hurry up and get it over, but the wait is nerve wracking and terrying, and at the end, you know there is only more pain to endure before you finally get to heal.
I write my thoughts in vague circles. Apologies. You'll just have to get a hang of the imagery as I don't feel like going into details. It was all very accidental and such, just a wrong way down a dark road. LIke hitchiking on a beautiful day and then the driver ends up taking you somewhere you don't want to go and you're just waiting for the moment to jump out of the car. Every moment kills.
So it's the hour of wolves and midnight passes as we speak. I watched it come and go while driving home in my car, arguing with my body to stop feeling silly and nauseous over mind trips. Tummy still feels like a child's balloon at a carnival. Yanked up and down with the carelessness of young clumsy hands,
In the end, I just want to rise above my hurt and anger, which I will, but it will be a slightly rough road to get there. I have all that forgiveness inside of me, a sun waiting to rise, and I myself harvest my own darkside with which I have hurt people. I'm quite open about that and take responsibility as much as my weakness or strength allows me to at the time. For whatever reason, though, that doesn't help me when I am hurt, to say, "Well, look in the mirror first."
The people close to me are mirrors of myself to some extent, and sometimes, quite often actually, their actions that hurt me most are ones that somehow reflectt behavior of my own that I don't sit well with. By the same thought, I can't help but think, "That's so clear! How could you do that and not see, with bright lights, every detail?"
Anyway, next subject, I go back to school this week, after a break from it that lasted a human ice age. I'm excited, and nervous, and I just want to take the broom, sweep out the ashes and radiation of all that has messed up my mind lately, erase the 'etch-a-sketch' of mental trauma, and f'in smile, my goddamn arms extended wide, ready to embrace or tackle anything that comes my way.
Sincere smooches to all you who identify with what I write and wishing you all well with the sunrise.
And one last piece 'cuz I am quite aware certain brain's feet may walk upon this journal, it's okay, I totally forgive. We all have lapses in sight, me for example by all means. Yet, I am human, not the slick metal robot I might prefer at times, and with that, comes salty eye rain drops that cause rust. I just got to find Dorothy to pour some oil into the joints, but I got to be on own Dorothy. Can't wait for someone to be it for me, and that is what this journey, this endeavor onto the fragile branch, means to me. To take that risk, potentially fall flat on my face, but stand back up, ready with a bloody lip to try again , and smile.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
...when i spent 4 years studying film-making and literature at uni, some ppl were constantly reminding me that it wasn't a practical choice for getting a 'real'job, i never listen, fuck them,...they are the same kind of people for whom child-like innocence is not a viable alternative to despair! i am happy in my existence, pursuing my passions, liberating my imagination and creativity from the drudgery of mundane everyday rountine bullshit and not constantly clothing myself in a coat of anxiety of concern for the future... i like to live in the now...
hope you have a lovely day filled with beautiful things...i look forward to your journal entries...they blow my mind
Look familiar?
It's the same song. There are four mixes on two records. One has the red logo, and one yellow(this one) Let me know if you'd like a mix cd with it on there. That was one of the tracks that made me want to start DJing! Take care.