daruma

This has been a wild rollercoaster ride type weekend. Although money has flowed quite freely and generously this weekend, I don't know how much longer I can keep working. I hit a wall on Thursday at work for no reason (it was a really fun night with my favorite coworker and my boss, and I made $200 for 5 hours work), and realized I'm starting to trap myself. Friday was really busy and my best guy friend started working with me. It made everything SOOOOOO much more fun. I love/hate that guy (he's like the annoying little brother I never had) and I forgot how much I missed having him there to insult/insult me. It's been over a year since we last worked together. He's a good egg. But again, I felt trapped. Saturday was horrible. As I said before, right before work, I got some bad news from the Dr., so I was pre-occupied all night, then waited on a douchebag who made me feel like I wasn't worth living for 3 straight hours. The logical side of me put up with it and when all was said and done had to run outside and sob hysterically for 10 minutes before I could collect myself. The human side of me wanted to pour coffee in his lap and tell him my life story so he knew what he was doing to me. Unfortunately, being a grown up with responsibilities, I had to be logical. My boss was totally on my side, which is a breath of fresh air in this indusrty. No matter what he's said or done to me in the past, he has a weakness for his employees (he got arrested 2 years ago for punching a customer who made his hostess cry... http://foobooz.com/2007/10/blackbird-chef-arrested/) and finally, 7 months later, I think he is viewing me as a "real" person.
I don't like to toot my own horn, but I am smart. I spend most of my free time reading, volunteering for political causes, writing, and I have a degree. I am a server because it's super quick, super easy money. I make 2x more than my friends with "real" jobs. Does this make me lazy? Maybe. Mentally, I think I'm lazy for doing it sometimes, but physically, it's sooooo demanding. And I've become an incredible actress in this career.
Bleeerrghhh...
I am scared about the cancer thing. I have another biopsy this week, and hopefully they can cut it all away. I don't want to leave my friends and family behind. I don't want to be that story. The giant ego side of me doesn't want to live hairless, either. I feel selfish for being hopeful about a (hairless) life, but I don't think I could face the public if I really have to do the whole radiation thing. I hate this. I'm not scared of dying for myself, I'm scared of what it would do to the people in my life that I love.
As an icing on the cake, my friend Eva's dad died last night. I love her, but she is a pill head. I'm so worried about her. I've always worried about her, because her addiction is pretty severe, but this is going to be bad, and I feel helpless about her prognosis. She's shattered, and I fear for her right now. I just wish I had the words.
To my boy- I have said it twice so far tonight, but I hope you understand... I'm sorry. I'm stupid when I drink too much. I was scared of things that had nothing to do with you. I didn't mean anything. I want to make this work, no matter where we are. You make me smile, blush, bite my lip, and (most importantly) happy. You aren't a cautionary tale for me, you are real...

<3,
-C