daruma

This dreaded date keeps getting closer and it's wrecking me more and more by the hour. Monday will be a year since BenBri was killed and I can't eat or sleep. I've been self medicating way too much lately with booze and cigarettes. Last night I was good. Had 3 beers at a friend's house then came home, but I still managed to stay up all night, and when I finally fell asleep at 5:30, my dreams were so restless that I forced myself awake at 8:30. All of my friends are worried about me, I know, but how can I pretend there's nothing wrong? I was a hideous bitch to him. Deep down I know it's not my fault, but I've had nothing but time to wonder if I could have altered history had I not told him to fuck off that day, and just kept a rational head. Maybe I would have been with him that night. Had I been, maybe that drunk idiot wouldn't have hit him. He was an only child, to a single mom. He was leaving her house on Mother's Day. I can't help but wonder the emotions his mother is going to feel on Sunday and Monday, but I'm too scared to call her. I also feel so sorry for the daughters of the guy that killed him. Their dad was sent away for 7 years, that's not fair to them. It's so hard to reconcile these emotions, because on the one hand, I want him to suffer for his mistake, but on the other, he has a family, and no amount of jail time will ever relieve him of his thoughts and regrets. I wish life came with a rewind button. I'm so sad. I don't know how I'm gonna get through the next few days. It's nice that I have a new person in my life to talk to, but I worry that I'm gonna fuck that up, too. My brain is on fire right now, and my heart hurts. I know it's super new and totally premature, but I wish newboy was here right now to hold me and comfort me and tell me things will be OK. I'm so selfish.
Work tonight is going to be terrible. Sunday's gonna be even worse. I have a 13 hour day, catering to the needs of happy families, while in the back of my mind, BenBri's mom will be there, as will my own mother. I haven't seen my mom in 3 years, because I am a very selfish child. The last time I had a chance to take a vacation, I secretly went to Colorado instead of going to see my mom.
God, I'm all over the place right now. Sorry. Just needed to relieve some of this pressure in my head.