Here is another sample of my current project, Stone Dead. I hope you all enjoy.
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Sometimes I wonder if free will actually exists.
We live in a world full of matter, which is made of up all sorts of particles. These particles are governed by sets of rules that when understood can lead one to predict how they behave in any given situation with a good degree of accuracy. Then there is the fact that these building blocks of the universe are the same things that we humans are made up of.
This is the thing that makes me wonder about free will. If you combine vinegar and baking soda there is a reaction that be easily anticipated. We know how things like dopamine and insulin affect the human body and even our moods. So given that we can use our genetic code to understand why someone has a certain disease, hair color, or body type; can a similar process be used to determine how we will react to a situation we are placed in? We may have the illusion that we are making our own decisions on a daily basis but I can’t shake the feeling that we are just fleshy bags of chemicals serving as our eternal overlords.
Maybe in the end the only way we have to break free from this vicious cycle is to add new chemicals to the mix, much in the same way psychiatrists prescribe drugs to help people who suffer from any number of mood disorders. Though if you know how said foreign chemical will change your decision-making process are you really breaking free?
Am I really just doomed to be ruled by the laws of chemistry?
“Hey!” Bill firmly spoke just inches from my ear.
“Christ.” I quickly took a breath. “You scared the hell out of me.”
“Good.” Bill then stepped in front of me and started walking backwards so he could face me. “For the past three fucking days walking through this god damned forest you haven’t given me anything other than one word fucking answers and I’m sick of it.”
He then stopped and placed his hand on my chest to halt me as well.
“Sit tight kid ‘cause we are having a fucking talk about what happened back there.”
I pulled in a deep breath as I put my hands over my face and then let it out while I squeezed the bridge of my nose. Once my face was free I had a response.
“I was right about the horde.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Bill raised his hand. “I’ll give you that. I should have fucking backed you up because deep down I knew that you are always right about shit like this. I can’t tell you why I didn’t listen. Maybe I was just happy where I was and didn’t want it to fucking end but that isn’t what we are talking about today.”
Everything inside me felt like it dropped to the ground.
“Yeah you fuck,” My friend’s eyes filled with fire. “You absolutely lost your shit and over what? A fucking girl?”
“Look I…”
“No.” The angry auburn pushed me slightly. “You know it’s fucking true and God damnit I let it happen despite the warning signs because I thought you were smarter than that.”
I stood awkwardly in place as Bill paced a bit, ran his hands through his hair, let out a puff of angry air, and finally turned back to me.
“In all honestly I don’t blame you for what you did. In fact, part of me wants to fucking fist bump you. I mean if she had showed up on my door step I would have fucked her too. You did what any straight man with a swinging dick would have done given the circumstances.”
Though I wanted to talk I knew he wasn’t done tearing into me.
“The one fucking dumbass mistake you made was getting emotionally invested. While I know you are a god damned bleeding-heart fucking romantic I convinced myself you were smart enough to see the writing on the wall well enough to make the right fucking decision but clearly I was dead ass wrong.”
“Things were more complicated than…”
“They weren’t you fucking idiot and you know it! The warning signs were like flashing fucking billboards all around her! Of all the women you could have gotten involved with in that settlement how in the holy motherfucking love of god did you zero in on the most unbalanced wreck of a human being possible and decide this was where you were gonna cash in your chips?”
“She was the most accepting person...”
“Again I’m going to fucking stop you there. Shit started going downhill with you the moment she entered the picture. Don’t fucking forget that I knew you before Eve, when you habitually stuck your dick in any crazy bitch that crossed your path. Back then it was funny because making those choices wasn’t a life or fucking death decision.”
“How…”
Bill quickly closed the gap between us. “What if in the midst of your drunken nighttime stroll you encountered a deader or even fucking worse some motherfucker looking for trouble? What if the council had decided to banish you from the fucking settlement because of your increasingly erratic behavior?”
All I could do was stare at the ground as I sank deeper into regret.
“You’re fucking lucky I was there. They wanted your drunk ass gone ASAP and it took every line of bullshit I could assemble to convince them to put you on fucking probation! I had to tell them I would make it my personal fucking mission to make sure you got your shit straight or I would eject you from civilization myself in a week.”
I saw Bill’s face was red with anger and his eyes were glassy. It had been a while since I’d seen him this worked up about anything. Right then I hated the fact that I was the cause of this anguish.
With quick movements my friend stepped away and started pacing again while lighting a cigarette. In two enormous puffs the cancer stick was half gone and Bill had stopped his short walk to turn and smile at me.
“Okay. I feel better now.” His complexion had turned back to normal. He then moved closer with his fist held up towards me.
While the whirlwind of emotions I had just felt was starting to subside I was still out of it enough to only stare at Bill in bewilderment.
“Fucking Christ kid if you leave me hanging this fist is going in your face.”
This shattered my catatonic state and I quickly obliged the expected fist bump as well as the added explosion. He then turned to continue our walk east with myself automatically following his lead. The sounds of wildlife around us filled my ears along with the crunching of leaves under our feet.
There was no explanation for why I had temporarily abandoned reason. I saw no foreseeable future with the woman in question straight from the start yet her sudden departure triggered something in me that caused a domino effect. I don’t hold on to the belief that anyone handles rejection easily regardless of the circumstances but any dissection of my reaction shows I clearly went off the rails. Worse than that I was conscious of that fact the entire time. Was it just because this was the first time I had been with a woman since Eve?
“By the way,” Bill briefly turned back to smile wryly at me. “How was it?”