AIM depresses me.
All of the people I care about have hurt me or gone away and so,
whenever i sign on it just reminds me how, my solid 3 are not so solid as they used to be...
it is terrible to feel so resigned, but i have tried, i have crawled out on more limbs than a sane person would dare and there just comes a point when i have to realize that i am not a monkey anymore.
ive been talking alot to my mirror, this girl who, is like myself but not, backwards, all things reversed right, and it makes me learn more about myself, the things i knew but was never conscious of.
and im realizing that the reason why i try so hard to keep things together when they should just fall away is because im afraid of death.
im afraid of dying with loose ends, with people i love bearing grudges or....
not being there.
the reason why im always so quick to forgive an argument, why im so adamant about working life out right and well and fast is because...
im terribly aware that life is so goddamn short.
its hollowing to realize that a few of the people i love, utterly deny this sentiment.
it makes me ill with sadness...
like seasick while still on shore.
god...ive got such a long way to go...and ive got to go it alone....
All of the people I care about have hurt me or gone away and so,
whenever i sign on it just reminds me how, my solid 3 are not so solid as they used to be...
it is terrible to feel so resigned, but i have tried, i have crawled out on more limbs than a sane person would dare and there just comes a point when i have to realize that i am not a monkey anymore.
ive been talking alot to my mirror, this girl who, is like myself but not, backwards, all things reversed right, and it makes me learn more about myself, the things i knew but was never conscious of.
and im realizing that the reason why i try so hard to keep things together when they should just fall away is because im afraid of death.
im afraid of dying with loose ends, with people i love bearing grudges or....
not being there.
the reason why im always so quick to forgive an argument, why im so adamant about working life out right and well and fast is because...
im terribly aware that life is so goddamn short.
its hollowing to realize that a few of the people i love, utterly deny this sentiment.
it makes me ill with sadness...
like seasick while still on shore.
god...ive got such a long way to go...and ive got to go it alone....
I once read:
"You Cant Find Yourself By Looking Behind A Mirror."
I found it both profound and powerful at the same time.
I think you have, in some strange twist of fate, given me the loophole for which I have been seeking. That totally makes sense though, talking to myself in the mirror, as if it were a kind of verbal journal!! It makes complete sense. and its seems so much better than talking to myself without a mirror... I dont think I will start carrying a compact or anything, but I like how you think.
I do have this strange habbit of looking in the mirror and thinking to myself.. "Who is that guy?", and why wont he get out of the way, so I can see!
PS Never use a big word when a diminutive one will suffice.
-That was a joke
-This is no joke
YOU ROCK! and Thanks for being my friend!!!
Your posting made me very tender. Here are some comments:
Death is the natural continuation of life, which, in its turn, is not the same as (mere) survival. The difference between these is precisely in what you make out of your life.
My experience with friendship and relationships is that, as life itself, they have beginning, middle, and end (Well, we die before some of them finish.) Sometimes, arrangements do not work any longer, and one tries to make things work, with honesty and respect towards the others ... but also towards oneself. A few times, things do not work even so, and then it may be better for all to try something else. Life is about learning to live. This education does not finish until we do. Isn't that wonderful ? Instead of being terrified with the loose ends that will always exist, we rejoice on those that we learnt to tie up for a while, and we tie things up better in the long run. We also try to fix what we can ... again, with self-respect. In any case, there is always at least one thing worthwhile out of any past experience: What we learnt from it.
We have to be careful not to learn the wrong lessons. I have an acquaintance who survived a disease, and takes care of his partner, who survived another one. He learnt a lot about how to improve his lifestyles. But he believes that his current choices are now better than anyone's, and fiecefully try to impose them on whomever lived in a way from which he changed. What works for one person may not work for another. Even if it is something apparently better, it may or may not make another person to feel and live better. Furthermore, the way we communicate something makes a huge difference.
AIM: Change to MSN or Yahoo, and chat with me.
Cheers,
Lord_Frous