darkwun

In Memoirs of A Geisha there is a quote "There is a poem at the temple called lost, the words have been scratched out...One cannot read lost, just feel it." At the present moment I still live in my apartment but 30 days from now, the military has deemed it necessary to have me back in a location where they can observe me closer...IN other words they want me restricted to base but because I have not committed any crimes worthy of base restriction not even drunk in public they cannot empose(sp?) that punishment.

In other news I have a few things to say about our glorius military while i'm still sober. I have come to the understanding that If you don't believe in life, liberty, and the Republican Way that you pretty much have no place in the military. As more and more people stary to become more interested in my actions and movements they notice that I don't give two shits about anything they do give a shit about. They invite celebraties, models(from FHM or Stuff) and famous singers(Pop and Country) to come perform for the mindless masses here and in the deployed location, and some how they expect me to say "YAY (insert some gay singer/actor/model name here) is coming to base let me get ready to meet them" and when I don't they get a sour face. I also don't give a shit about being a part of a shop, flight, squadron, or unit that would purposefully bog down and ruin another person's life just for the simple satisfaction of saying that we got rid of another non-conformist.

I don't give a shit about a military church, I was raised in church I don't need no red-neck, chicken fucking, bible pushing, rim-jobbing, cock sniffer telling me that maybe I want to go back to church. So I don't listen to country or want to say stupid lines that revolve around god and guns. I don't give a shit about being part of the group when the group doesn't want to be part of me. Only one person knows this, but for all the shit I went through back at Cannon I'd rather be back there again, than living in Germany getting ass-fucked 8 ways from sunday with no fucking lube.

If one thing is certain the military knows how to breed alcoholics out of people who actually cared about shit. At one point I did care about the people I work/worked with, now there are very few people I would take a bullet for in the military. Everyone else can die of ebola and go to hell for all I care.

So alcohol is becoming my new best friend seeing as how I drink every night now, I'm happy to say I don't do it to get or stay drunk(for the moment) and I'm not doing it to build up the courage to end my life. But I just want the pain to go away, I want to stop this headache, and I don't want to be fucking numb anymore. I haven't never bothered to show a real emotion is so many years I'm just used to showing fake ones, and the ones I am still capable of showing I don't show. When will it end? When can I finally sleep, when can I sit back and enjoy a quiet day with no cares or worries? When I can I start caring again? When will I feel again? I don't want to feel nothing but pain, I don't want this life anymore I want something else, I want to be free. Just like Type O Negative said I don't Wanna Be Me Anymore. I'm done with this rant. I'm going to try to drink my pain away.