darkmrfripperton

Today is my Mom's birthday and the tenth anniversery of her death. It's still so vivid to me...it was a Saturday. She had been in and out of the hospital all that week. They were letting her out that Sat. morning, she was going to come home and we were going to go out to eat to celebrate her birthday. My Dad went to pick her up and I just stayed home and hung out. The movie Halloween III was on, I had always wanted to see that so I watched it. Several hours later, my Mom and Dad came home. My Mom was so weak, we had to help her into the house. We made it into the house and she collapsed. My Dad and I tried to get her to wake up and get her up off the floor but we couldn't. We called for an ambulance. The paramedics came and they couldn't find a pulse. They zapped her a couple of times with that thing, I can't remember what it's called.. They still couldn't find a pulse. They put her on a gurney and put her in the ambulance, they said maybe her pulse was so weak they couldn't detect here, they might be able to at the medical center. My Dad and I clung to that hope, even though we knew inside it was false. He went with them to the medical center, he told me to stay home in case anyone called or came to the house. A few hours pased. I just sort of wandered from room to room in a daze. Have you ever seen the Buffy episode "The Body"? It was just like that. Then my Dad called. He told me to brace myself. He started crying and siad "She's gone." When something like this happens, something inside you breaks and it's like you really hear it breaking.

You don't ever really get over it. I guess it's like losing an arm or a leg, you just sort of learn how to live with this huge chunk missing from yourself.

It scares me how fast these ten years have gone by. Fucking scares me. I want time to slow down again, I need time to figure out where I'm going next in life.

So, I want to dedicate this song to my Mom. She loved it, thought it was amazingly beautiful. She heard it on a commercial...I think it was a Budweiser ad? Anyway, she loved it and asked me what it was. I told her. I've only been able to listen to it maybe five times all the way through since she died. It's just too hard. So please understand if I can't watch this along with you all, ok? (BTW, I'm sorry for the video, was the only one on Youtube that just had the song and no extra audio over it.)

Happy Birthday Mom. I love you and miss you so much. I wish so many things could have been different.

The Sundays-Wild Horses