I might have found someone.
it is very weird. and feels OK.
Trading the addiction to a smiling fiery dragon (and oh my god i am sorry for people who never burn themselves in love) to a little thread between two hearts. both are really, really more broken than you'd wish anyone. but what she calls 'this weird little thing' we got there, it seems it can be cared for and recast into something that could really last a long while.
and she calls me "like her, just with balls"... we will see, but the thing I sometimes tell her - and think - is:
"maybe we get lucky"
i got no doubts that my italian friend and i will some time be the best hardstyle dancers wide and far, I'm not totally sure i'll still feel this insane fire that we could basically burn down every club just dancing. I do miss this.
like, in my life there's been three kinds of women:
when i try to fly into the sun, like ikarus
the ones that don't get it and worry. they break, i'm sorry.
the ones that watch amazed and like it, and i can fly home to them any day.
the ones that fly with me and we burn our wings and fall down from the skies, hitting our head, and laughing and saying "ouch, haha, that was quite cool" and we do it again. god and i sure would have loved this future of burning our candles at both ends.
The angels of destruction we were, and probably even will still be.
where this woman, now is, i don't know fully yet. but... so far every touch, every crazy thing we did, every hug we shared, felt natural.
we both don't understand it yet. we both gotta do some housekeeping. i'll go to italy and get shit drunk there and dance... and then i'll see if i again at 6am hug the cute thing and say "ti amo" and she says "I know! Take care my dear" or if I just say: "Wow. that was a fucking good evening, thank you".
I feel a bit silly because with all my weird restraint I'd after all never told her I would move there, and that she's been il mio amore miglore, the love of my life. but the thing is... thanks to her i finally filled this gap. I found the greatest love of my life, the one that made my brain melt like pudding, and also the first woman I truly missed all the time. It is good to know that, to have felt it. Thanks to her... this last NYE... I was completely, absolutely happy for the first time of my life. (i don't care if that's sad. it felt fucking good)
And then I met this other woman, that just makes me feel alright, content, a bit happy and really good. (- and horny) all the time.
So, yes, i am still depressed, and still sometimes wonder why the fuck i bother living, but it's all become... relaxed.
We'll see. And it will take a bit of time, and much care, to grow this thing. and I'm afraid she'll mess it up somehow, because she is even more afraid to get hurt than I am (and I am really really done for with that), but... maybe not. maybe it'll just all be alright.
maybe we get lucky.