no, to be honest I got kind of a writer's block, at least for some part of this.
I'll try starting in staccato.
Watched a falling star when I was outside of the party smoking alone. Wished for her. (and of course texted her the very same thing)
an hour later she lead me away from the crowd and said something very nice.
a guy seems to be in passive-aggressive mode about my bare existence by now. i'll need to censor myself just in case.
(yet, if i'm a threat I'm faring much better than I think. My lack of self-esteem always is a problem. So thanks for the feedback)
but i think: doesn't he know you never pick fights with polite people?
I'm back to missing her as much as I did in february. Definitely the one.
Time to call in the censor.
Besides that, a fun story and some thoughts.
I've been kissing and sleeping with an artist.
It seems she has a crush. Probably it a mix of not being able to have me and seeing how much effort I'm putting for someone I love.
At first I worried I would hurt her badly since she knows my heart is not available. I was pondering to cut off contact, and I think she also thought about it. But then, after talking with a girl friend I decided to just give her those 95% of me I can offer anyway, and let her have a good time.
And so it happened I got the greatest compliment in my whole life...
We'd been in bed exchanging massages and (it was kinda obvious we'd at least try to hook up), then cuddled up, and I just thought "well. let's try this and touch her finger once more", and it was insane.
for her like an electric spike (she did that to me a month back), and then I took her hand and we kind of disappeared in a magnetic storm. 5 seconds later she was all over me and we were kissing... and then, compliment:
She exclaimed: "I knew it!"
Me: "what????"
Her: "The way you're kissing... it's unbelievable"
And I'm hearing this from a lady that for real has men sending her presents and courting her every damn fucking day... and she'd been turning them all away for ages but goes to bed with me! Still - not enough for me to really feel secure. It might just be a show to comfort insecure guys, right? Well? I believed a bit later when she came a few seconds after I touched her elsewhere. Cute little purring cat and a blessed smile and body :)
i've been thinking... and I might have some advice that seems unbelievable to me. If I knew if it's true I would be probably turn into a proud sonof*****, even more importantly, if I could tell 18-year old me, I might have led a much less painful life.
So here you go, advice after 40 years of being clueless. (ofc my followers are mostly girls and this won't help you a lot. tell it to your guy friends if you think they're worth it)
a) maybe being a nice guy isn't always making you lose. maybe you just need to go for the bigger fish in the pond, who are offered everything in material terms, but not honesty or being nice. and if you can offer that, it's more than anyone else can. Offer it to those who can have anything else. A bonus is they don't take it for granted.
b) I have no idea if my Italian friend likes me. (I mean she fucking said so, but i'm me and i'm afraid). But do I get the suspicion that for "alpha males" there is no more bone-shaking nightmare than a good looking woman that decides to side with the nice guy. It seems to break the rules. But those rules mostly consist of the nice guys not trying and leaving beautiful women to be prey for assholes.
c) wear a suit (at times).
I know how horny I get with girls in opera-faring dresses, but men's suits have always been a disgusting thing for me. more associated with working in weird jobs or being a fake person selling something. Thanks to my job title I kinda have to wear one at times now, and thanks to italy I got more used to dressing well. And I had not expected how much more looks I draw with that. I mean, I walk around as a goth to avoid many many downsides of our culture. It's a very good shield for nice people to protect against what runs around in a hostile world. But of course it doesn't just drive away assholes. also drives away those who are just normal. And, basically, I've grown accustomed to the idea that I gotta be hella unattractive - because I rarely got any looks.
Well. try a suit for a few days. Seems I'm just fine. (Except for the live choices and all that)
And so we're at the point where I can start to mold my life a bit, instead of just swimming along trusting fate.
It would be fun if I find out at 40 that I'm not ugly and just got harassed because of that. and maybe I could learn to trust myself enough to just ask for what I want.
None of that helps me much right now, of course.
Except for getting compliments. And sex is also verrrrry helpful ;-)
Good night!