I'm starting to run low on humor for this whole carry-on-with-trying thing. Just once I'd love to not get a no from someone I really want to be with, to hug, to cuddle and to enjoy doing all kinds of things that are totally unacceptable in the grand scheme of being serious.
And for the fourth time now, it's been a no.
While somehow never run short of women being in love with me. Just never the ones I love.
And yet, every single one has come up with the grand idea of changing her heart a few years later, after I've been so sick and broken and depressed I can't even shrug about it any more.
I'm running low on humor, and I'm running out of reasons to keep trying.
I'm not all stuck up to not enjoy easy going non-relationships, but I simply don't have the capacity for playing around if it matters to me.
For all the word plays I've played in writing, I'm still picky and shy. If I walk up to a woman and try ask her out for a date, then it's not just to, idk, put a mark on a checklist. I haven't tried to get a date with 15 others before that.
It's because I'm tickling, and because she's the first in ages I've liked so much to actually try. I probably needed a few dozen attempts to actually say it. Because I like her. And I feel it's a magic thing. And needs to be handled with care.
I think there wasn't even 10 times in my life, and of those few even less I let this close to, after weeks, ask like this. (OK I did not count a few "I'm drunk and it appears logical to just ask everything that has long hair in the whole club" attempts of very long ago. I bet I was still darn polite even if hopeless)
I'm not stupid. I can see this doesn't work. It's just I believe in love. In fate. And I can't, just CAN'T play the same old game of trying to think of women as bait, to not let show and so on. I like the circle dance of love. I like flirting. But, well... I do both pretty well. The stupid thing is the ones I like won't play with me. And the others are charmed and happy and I feel inadequate for their feelings.
I can see who'd so much want me to be there with them. But they can't magically win my heart after the fact, either and they all think it's something they'd be able to do. Tried often enough, but my heart won't take the lies.
But fuck... I would also to be happy for a while? Just one, one goddamn time? Half a year maybe?
I'm really struggling to just imagine trying again when it never works out.
And I can't unscrew my head and make myself grow love more often than this.
So, anyone who can just help me by telling some stupid jokes so I can laugh at this whole life again?