darkangelazrael

Well, I am here listening to the new Fear Factory, Which is kick ass by the way. And I am thinking I need to get out of town again. I just want to Fucking go. Anywhere. Sara Needs her time to do the stupid things she needs to do and have time after her last relationship. I have promised her this time and now I am afraid that the time I have afforded her can only take us further apart. I would like to believe she would see that it means I REALLY would do anything for her. But I guess at this moment I cannot be that sanguine. I love her with all my heart and cannot tell her so. She doesn't need that noise in her life and all the stuff that it would bring to the surface. She needs as little confusion and confrontation as possible. Of course I am positive that even though I will not bring this to her door, someone else will.

It seems I was born for pain. I don't blame her at all for any of it. I love her. It was I that did the falling in love. And although you cannot control who you fall for, I guess you can control what happens after it is brought to the light of day. We still talk and she still writes stuff for me and about me in her jounal. She insists I must read the latest 5 pages she wrote all just yesterday. I don't really want to read it but I will. If there is anything in there that shows me the help and understanding she needs then she will have it. I live for myself no longer. These days it's as though I live for everyone else around me. I don't have the energy or strength right now to take it back.