So I woke up just now after getting home around 4 am from work, we've started inventory and got off later than expected. Anyway I woke up thinking about something I read in The Picture of Dorian Gray. Mainly the part where Dorian is telling his friend Harry about the woman Sibyl Vane, the actress that he has seen and fallen in love with. This is the part that stop me in my tracks while reading:
"She was the loveliest thing I had ever seen in my life. You said to me once that pathos left you unmoved, but that beauty, mere beauty , could fill your eyes with tears. I tell you, Harry, I could hardly see this girl for the mist of tears that came across me. And her voice- I never heard such a voice. It was very low at first, with deep mellow notes, that seem to fall singly upon one's ear. then it became a little loader, and sounded like a flute or a distant hautboy."
This I understood greatly this is something that I have felt before, very recently in fact. But this is not what I woke up thing about. I was thinking about a part where Harry is basically telling Dorian that he is not in love but in fact in love with the idea of love.
"But you should not say the greatest romance of your life. You should say the first romance of your life. You will always be loved, and you will always be in love with love. A grande passion is the privilege of who have nothing to do. That is the one Use of the idle classes of a country. Don't be afraid. There are exquisite things in store for you. This is merely the beginning."
"My dear boy, the people who love only once in their lives are really the shallow people. what they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination. Faithfulness is to the emotional life what consistency is to the life of the intellect-simply a confession of failure. Faithfulness! I must analyze it some day. The passion for property is in it. There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up."
Just to give you a brief background on my idea on love or true love for that matter. For of course we love and we fall in love. But it is true love that I want to tell talk about. I like most people in this world grow up believing that there was one true person out there for me. And that when we meet we would fall madly in love and everything would be right in the world. You know the who fairytale bluh bluh bluh. Of course as I grow older and fell madly in and insanely out of love. I came to the view that true love didn't exist or at least wasn't not meant for me. That I should be happy with whatever came along no matter if I had any true feelings for that person or not. But now as I lay waking and thinking. It comes across my mind that deep down I always hope I was wrong that true love was out there maybe even love at first sight did exist. That I was just upset that I was just upset and had been heartbroken so many times that I was ready to believe that true love was just fiction.
This brings me to why I am writing this. As I think about Harry is telling Dorian I think maybe I am just in love with the idea of being in love. Maybe this is why my view of love or true love that is have change as of late. This makes me think back to the first chapter of the book where the artist Basil is showing Harry the painting of Dorian Gray that his is working on. He starts to tell Harry about who Dorian is and you can tell that Basil loves Dorian for who he is at that moment. Which is to Basil this young innocent untended by the cruel dark work before for him. Basil wish not to introduce Harry to Dorian in hopes that is perfect image of Dorian Gray will not be smudged. But of course they do meet and when time comes that Dorian gets engaged to be married to the actress Sibyl Vane, Basil realizes that Dorian Gray is not the same man he has paint. The story reads:
'He [Basil] drove off by himself, as had been arranged, and watched the flashing lights of the little brougham in front of him. A strange sense of loss came over him. He felt that Dorian Gray would never again be to him all that had been in the past. Life had come between them... His eyes darkened, and the crowded, flaring streets became blurred to his eyes.'
Maybe I am a lot like Basil and Dorian Gray. Maybe I fall in love to quickly and hold high expectations for these women that I fall for. Of course this is on topic with my therapist about the expectations I hold for not only others but also myself. Maybe I except these women I fall for to stay as pure and innocent as I have drawn them in my mind and that is why as I grow to know them more I am sadden and heartbroken that they are not the girl I thought them to be.
Well if this is so then it is something I need to stop doing if I do want to fall in love and hopfully find true love one day. That is if true love exists.
"She was the loveliest thing I had ever seen in my life. You said to me once that pathos left you unmoved, but that beauty, mere beauty , could fill your eyes with tears. I tell you, Harry, I could hardly see this girl for the mist of tears that came across me. And her voice- I never heard such a voice. It was very low at first, with deep mellow notes, that seem to fall singly upon one's ear. then it became a little loader, and sounded like a flute or a distant hautboy."
This I understood greatly this is something that I have felt before, very recently in fact. But this is not what I woke up thing about. I was thinking about a part where Harry is basically telling Dorian that he is not in love but in fact in love with the idea of love.
"But you should not say the greatest romance of your life. You should say the first romance of your life. You will always be loved, and you will always be in love with love. A grande passion is the privilege of who have nothing to do. That is the one Use of the idle classes of a country. Don't be afraid. There are exquisite things in store for you. This is merely the beginning."
"My dear boy, the people who love only once in their lives are really the shallow people. what they call their loyalty, and their fidelity, I call either the lethargy of custom or their lack of imagination. Faithfulness is to the emotional life what consistency is to the life of the intellect-simply a confession of failure. Faithfulness! I must analyze it some day. The passion for property is in it. There are many things that we would throw away if we were not afraid that others might pick them up."
Just to give you a brief background on my idea on love or true love for that matter. For of course we love and we fall in love. But it is true love that I want to tell talk about. I like most people in this world grow up believing that there was one true person out there for me. And that when we meet we would fall madly in love and everything would be right in the world. You know the who fairytale bluh bluh bluh. Of course as I grow older and fell madly in and insanely out of love. I came to the view that true love didn't exist or at least wasn't not meant for me. That I should be happy with whatever came along no matter if I had any true feelings for that person or not. But now as I lay waking and thinking. It comes across my mind that deep down I always hope I was wrong that true love was out there maybe even love at first sight did exist. That I was just upset that I was just upset and had been heartbroken so many times that I was ready to believe that true love was just fiction.
This brings me to why I am writing this. As I think about Harry is telling Dorian I think maybe I am just in love with the idea of being in love. Maybe this is why my view of love or true love that is have change as of late. This makes me think back to the first chapter of the book where the artist Basil is showing Harry the painting of Dorian Gray that his is working on. He starts to tell Harry about who Dorian is and you can tell that Basil loves Dorian for who he is at that moment. Which is to Basil this young innocent untended by the cruel dark work before for him. Basil wish not to introduce Harry to Dorian in hopes that is perfect image of Dorian Gray will not be smudged. But of course they do meet and when time comes that Dorian gets engaged to be married to the actress Sibyl Vane, Basil realizes that Dorian Gray is not the same man he has paint. The story reads:
'He [Basil] drove off by himself, as had been arranged, and watched the flashing lights of the little brougham in front of him. A strange sense of loss came over him. He felt that Dorian Gray would never again be to him all that had been in the past. Life had come between them... His eyes darkened, and the crowded, flaring streets became blurred to his eyes.'
Maybe I am a lot like Basil and Dorian Gray. Maybe I fall in love to quickly and hold high expectations for these women that I fall for. Of course this is on topic with my therapist about the expectations I hold for not only others but also myself. Maybe I except these women I fall for to stay as pure and innocent as I have drawn them in my mind and that is why as I grow to know them more I am sadden and heartbroken that they are not the girl I thought them to be.
Well if this is so then it is something I need to stop doing if I do want to fall in love and hopfully find true love one day. That is if true love exists.