dappergatsby

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Well, this seemed to be quite the catharisis for me!
It's I s'pose a real tearjerker of a journal entry about the declining health of my hero, my dad..
so read it if you'd like...
or just send him kind thoughts of your own..
It helped me get some anxiety out my heart and that's what these journals are for in certain circustances right?!?!
Thanks
~J
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I'm really too worn out and exhausted to update beyond a simple hello and a few news bits now...
I just sent some of you hellos and thanks for the kind comments and concern for the well being of my pops...

It seems things aren't really improving all that much for him now tho...
His catscan showed a whole slew of scarring on his lungs and that caused concern for his doctors.
They proceeded with a process where they shove a tiny camera down into his lungs and look for the cause of his rapidly worsening oxygen use...

He's now breathless most of the time and his body is wracked in pain and frustration and weariness.
He's hopeful that he'll pull thru and tries to mask his pain and fear so I won't worry so much..
It's quite a play of faking the worry 'tween us two while we watch the time slip away, so as not to worry the other -undersand?!?!
I have a really hard time trying to keep it together around him now.
I know he's a strong wise Soul every minute i see him trick me into thinking he's doing okay.
He holds my hand with all the strength he can muster and it uses up valuable energy he should have for healing.
He's more concerned that I'm not so worried and that I get some sleep.
He's telling me to go see all my "cuties" and blow off some steam..
I haven't thought about any sweethearts in awhile now..
tho they all want to be with me thru this...
I love my lovers and friends indeed!

He's very wise in his words to me about life and health and such.
He tells me he's just dealing with the "cards he was dealt"
that 'Life races past before you know it"..
that "health is our most vital priority"
and patiently lays there in pain and breathlessness.

I watch his frame wither away in just days..
my dad has always been an indestructible force of work and chores.
He's happiest when he's out in the yard fixin' things and playin' with his beloved dogs.
Man does my dad love his dogs!
They're his world and he seems to master any stray or junk yard guard dog that he comes across.
They all take to wagging their tails and jumping up on him no matter how much they had growled and snarled before!
He's like a dog whisperer or something!

Now he's just trying to make it thru the dark days ahead..
he's at peace with his Maker he tells me..
that makes me somehow at peace myself.
I know he's gonna walk out that hospital someday tho..
it's the only way he knows he can be sure that his
dogs are being taken care of while he recuperates!

'Til then, he's just a frail, huffing frame of a Man..
I know he'll bounce back tho..
he always does...
such is the rollercoaster ride of an ailing hero who's just trying to hang on now.
I feel in my heart that he's gonna make it.
But I'm anxious at the quality of life he may be facing.
he's prolly gonna be saddled with an oxygen tank now..
he's always been so get up and go and stubbornly a workaholic.
he now needs to admit to himself to take it easy from now onis his best strategy for survival.

I'm barely able to contain my free flowing tears lately my dears..
do forgive my inconsolable worries in these updates lately...

I simply wanted to tell all of you that I am profoundly thankful and honored to be friends with all of you here in SG land and
also with those who also know me in other ways ...

I don't like posting a new entry with somber sad news ,
but this seemed to help me a bit get out my anxiety and fear..
I hope you all understand ..
Catharisis is a healing process I have helped others through..
Now, I s'pose it's my turn..
I'm not ashamed to shed tears amomng my friends on here.
I don't fear I'm lesss of a Man for it.
My hero, my dad , taught me that..
He's the one who has been my best example of what a human, a Man, and a Gentleaman should be.


I adore you all and thank you again for your concern.
My next post shall be about my Hero my dad..
I'm damn not gonna be posting any in memory kninda eulogy tho.

My dad's the sweetest toughest motherfucker on the planet
- I know this..

Everytime I meet a new nurse or doctor they tell me that my dad is the kindest, friendliest and sweetest gentleman they've ever met..
they tell me he takes the pain and tough times like a frickin warrior...
I am proud of my pops like nobody's bizzness...
here's to you dad..
sorry i can't be with you this very minute..
he understands i needed a break and I wanted to use my sllepless hour or so in thanking you all for the love and support..
I have gawd, 2 or 3 pages of myspacer well wishes to get thru soon..
i didn't even start telling them about my dad's illness until just about a day or so ago...
so I better end this ramble for now..
I'll repost soon with better news I know..
Thanks for letting me use your virtual SG shoulder my dear peers for a lil while..
Man ther was a good spot in there when I couldn't even see the keyboard thru all the tears!
Forgive the typos cuz of that-
I'm goin' on I guess 7 or 8 hours of real;
sleep since Sunday morning..
I'm past delerium and straight into madness and such!
ha ha

well now...
Ain't I a fun one?!?!
Hey just know I'm smiling at the end of this here.
I feel better and can look my dad in the eyes and not lose it now when I go back in a few hours!
Thanks SG for letting me lose it online..
Thanks to all y'all for reading this and any comments you might make.
Cheers and all that.
~J