So, I've come to the conclusion recently that I'm a pretty strong romantic. This realization may come as a shock to some; not because it seems out of line with my personality but because it took me this long to really come to terms with it. In fact, I will openly admit, that I've been a semi-lurking member of the Hopeless ROmantics group for some time, which seems to say that I've always understood this trait about myself on some level. I suppose its easier to accept something in theory than it is to really understand and embrace it in fact.
To spare you most of the details; when I was younger I actually was a pretty openly emotional person. A fact which was lost on almost no one and which received the type of blowback that one would expect from growing up in a small town. Suffice to say, over the last decade or so, I grew much more distant and guarded and developed a bad tendency of always trying to present myself as 'strong'. This isn't to say that I was completely closed off, I've had some very strong friendships develop during this time, and even had a few relationships (although not as many or as long lasting as I would like.), but when times get rough I have a tendency to withdraw and become even more reserved. (As one of my best friends, a girl I've known since Middle School, told me today "Oh, you and your Dad are both the same way. What!? An emotion!?!? Confused! Must get angry, instead of dealing with it!" :D ). I'm certainly no Babbit here, in other words, but its bad enough to be a problem that I want to fix.
Anyway, it recently struck me that I haven't been authentic to myself over the past few years, and this has caused me to not be as good, or whole, of a person as I should be. It all came to a head the other day when I rather spectacularly blew up at several friends, because getting anxious and angry (or: "moody", "grumpy" or "irritable", which are the words my friends and family usually use to describe said mood) was far easier than admitting to them that I was hurt by a series of situations. I had already been leaning towards the thought that I needed to be more open with people, and accepting of my emotional side; but that incident finally made me realize that I truly needed to. It also lead me to start crying constantly for several days after; a strange experience in and of itself, coming from a guy who once was embarrassed to be found crying the day his grandpa passed away, and apologized profusely to everyone present.
So, here's the thing. I want to let out my romantic side, I want to express my emotions, to fall in love, and to just feel things again. But, honestly, I'm not exactly sure where to start. I still have a pretty strong fear of leaving myself open and of being hurt (it doesn't help that part of this side awakening again stemmed from hanging out with a girl who I came to have some strong attachment for; only to be told that she preferred having me as her best friend instead of going any further. Fair enough, and I'm honored to have her in my life ... but, wow, shot down before I could even get my foot out of the proverbial door, here. And an almost play-by-play reenactment of a situation that used to happen to me all the time when I was younger). Unfortunately, I really don't know how to go about doing it at the moment, but I'm giving it a lot of self reflection.
Anyone else ever been in this position, or have any advice?
(okay: I saved this draft before I posted it, and then the following happened. I as hanging out at Barnes and Noble today and started a conversation with one of the girls who works in the music section. Long story short: I asked her out to coffee, she said she had a boyfriend, but wouldn't minding hanging out sometime since I seem "interesting." Not a great victory, but one all of the same; I think that's the first time I've approached a girl outside of a bar-setting in way too long. I am surprisingly proud of myself :) )
