Since I usually love starting this things out with a video; here's a new song by Hank III which, is pretty appropriate to the entire blog 
Seeing as how its, once again, been a few months since i last updated this blog, i feel honor bound to do so now (how much things have changed since I lived in Alaska and was posting once or so a week!)
I should begin by saying that things have certainly been strange around here as of late. Anyone who used to follow my blog with any regularity back in the day might well recall that I one of my biggest concerns was always the fact that I was growing old (or so I figured. Because, as you know, the mid-20s are horribly aged) and I was feeling rather repressed by this fact, and my fear that I had missed out on so much of my youth due, in part, to my own reserved nature and also because of my teaching job in Alaska.
Upon moving to Fargo to go back to school, I suddenly saw my oppertunity to change all of this; helped in large part by several friends of mine who were a few years younger than myself (sadly, my Grad department in Fargo is largely heavily introverted. Although I've made some good friends in it, I've found myself hanging out with undergrads largely as a neccesity.) What came out of this was a year of, in my own mind, trying to get all of those experiences which I was convinced that I had missed out on previously.
What does this mean? Basically, at the later age of 26 and 27 I managed to become the party guy that I had always wanted to be from 19-25. In other words; I spent a year drinking myself into oblivion and socializing far more than I ever had previously. To put it somewhat more metaphorically, I didn't just come out of my shell; I shattered the shell and then spent months obliterating the remnants of said shell with a sledge hammer. Many a good time was had by all.
Or so it seemed!
Not wanting to make myself sound better than I am, I will not say that I came to a "road to Damascus" type moment where I realized the folly of ways. In fact, it was a rather slow process, and I'm not sure I'm even done with it yet. All I know for a fact is that, beginning around late March and early April the life style which I had adopted began to feel hollow. Not only was I 'making myself stupid' (one of my favorite euphenisms I adopted for gettign too drunk) on, at least, a every-other-day basis, I also began to become concerned that I was acting like a young idiot. I turned 27 in March, which was a bit of a shock when I realized that that was the age my Dad was when he married my Mother, and I came to realize that the big 3-0 was looming up ahead of me and there was nothing I could do to stop its aweful impact. Furthermore, I would be amiss to not point out that heavy drinking runs on both sides of my family, and it has occasionally developed into alchohalism in certain members. Finally, the death of two of my uncles within a month of one another (one from cancer, the other from a heart attack brought on by his heavy drinking lifestyle) had a noticable impact on me as I, for the perhaps the first time in my life, realized that I may not, in fact, be immortal! (I still question this conclusion, and hold out hope that I may, in fact, still BE immortal; but all of the evidence I've gained so far makes it seem unlikely. Damn mortality!)
What followed was several halting steps towards getting myself back on the right track. Now that I had experienced the harder lifestyle I had always dreamed off, flaws in it quickly came to light
1) It can be rather soul deadening
2) As someone who, likely, suffers from ADD (I've never been tested, but almost everyone I know, save my Mother, seem assured that I have it) large amounts of beer and other substances were making it ever harder to concentrate on my school work. I should point out that, despite my apparent inability to focus, I still have managed to pull better grades than I ever did as an Undergrad or, for that matter, at any other time in my life. For some reason, however, this accomplishments seemed to matter less to me than they shoud have
3) It is terribly expensive. Oddly enough, when you spend most of your money on beer, you have very little to spend on other needed things, such as bills and food (I did, on the other hand, always seem to have enough to spend on RECORDS. I've put together a rather amazing vinyl collection over thel ast year that I am terribly proud of. Yes, I am a music geek!
3) My once flaunted ambition began to fall away slowly but surely.
I feel as though I need to point out now, lest this sounds worse than it really was, that I never crossed the line into alchohalism to the best of my knowledge. I was, at several points, able to go weeks without anything (usually when I went home to do research for my thesis) without any cravings or such things. For that I count myself monumentally lucky; and I thank god that I, apparently, did not inherit those genes which could have sent me spiraling over the edge. I really am a rather lucky person in many ways.
To make a long story short, I was forced to reevaluate many of my ways as a result of certain incidents, including a minor finanacial collapse. What really shocks me about said collapse, I should point out, is not that it happened; I'm rather free with money at the best of times, am overly willing to lend said money to friends when they hit rough patches, and am a rather social person to boot. What is really shocking is that it didn't happen sooner; somehow I was able to stagger along for an entire year before the inevitable happened. See previous comment about my inherent luckiness.
So, what caused this all in the first place? Well, the blame has to rest soley on myself, of course; a momentary lack of self-reflection blinded me to what was going on (an oddity in itself, as I've historically been a very self reflective person. It just goes to show that anyone can trip up from time to time). Blame aside, I think one of the biggest causes was, of course, Alaska. My two years there had beaten down my self esteem and made me question my own optimistic world view that anythign can be accomplished with the right amount of effort.
Furthermore, and this should come as no suprise to anyone who used to read this blog, I think I was much more deeply wounded by my experiences there than I had wanted to let myself believe. Recieving death threats, having an attempt on ones life, and feeling socially ostricized for two years is a lot for anyone to handle; and it becomes only worse when you are met with a complete inability for others to understand your experiences upon returning.
This was coupled with my own deep seated rebellious nature. In my mind, I had been forced to act far more maturely in Alaska than I had been prepared to at the age of 23-5; furthermore I also was angry that I had been forced to miss out on what I saw as the experiences of actually being that age. To make matters worse, the complete lack of anyone my own age there had thrown off my own understanding of how I was supposed to act. (Luckily for me, I had some very good friends from college, and on here, who helped me through the worst of it. But, sadly, internet communication is no substitution for face-to-face social contact).
This led me, upon returning, to seek shelter in the last period of my life when I felt truly comfortable and happy with myself; that blissful time from 2003-4 when I had lived in Ireland and then returned to Marquette for my final year in school. However, even then there was a problem; I've always had a strong sense that "you can't go back". I knew on some level that I wouldn't be able to recreate my life at the time (not that I didn't try) and so I decided to one-up myself; in effect experiencing all of the glory of being a young 20-something while, at the same time, out doing past selse. I believe that I felt that by having all of these "new experiences" that I'd feel content and could still imagine myself as the same adventerous kid I once had been.
And, in all hoensty, for a while it worked. To this day, I wouldn't take the last year back at all; I learnt a good deal about myself, my own short comings, and can finally check off the "Partying lifestyle" on the "things I've always wanted to experience" check list.
But, it got to be a bit much, and I'm coming to see that the time has finally come to grow up a bit. I want to finish my Master's degree during this next year which means I'm going to have to apply myself like I haven't in a while. In the next 9 months I need to A) finish my comps B) write my thesis and C) learn German. No easy task, and none of them will be possible if I contineu in the same vein as I have for the past year or so.
I should finish this journal shortly, as I doubt anyone wants to read all of this
However, I need to point out that, luckily (there is that word again!) everything seems to be falling together for me once again. Over the past few weeks I seem to have tapped into that amazing energy which I possessed in college; that elusive trait which, looking back, is what I missed most of all after Alaska anyway. I've been having an odd series of dreams which, from what I can gather by doing some research into Jung, point in the same direction as well.
This past year has taught me that I am a very social person, and for that reason alone it was good. But now the time has come to reapply myself to my school work and, just as importantly, get back to the gym (apparently heavy drinking also causes one to gain weight; especially when that person has a slow metabolism. DOH!)
For the first time in years, I'm once again looking forward to the future with a feeling of optimism, excitement and high energy. And that makes me happy indeed! I've even had the urge recently, to take out some old short stories ideas of mine that had been gathering dust, and rewrite them. its all very exciting!
Now, does this mean that I'm going to stop going out to the bars and socializing completely? Of course not. One of my favorite quotes in an ancient Greek saying "To all things, moderating, including moderaton itself". Well, I've been doing the later half of that for a while. Now its time to relearn the FIRST part
Now we'll end with another appropriate video
Seeing as how its, once again, been a few months since i last updated this blog, i feel honor bound to do so now (how much things have changed since I lived in Alaska and was posting once or so a week!)
I should begin by saying that things have certainly been strange around here as of late. Anyone who used to follow my blog with any regularity back in the day might well recall that I one of my biggest concerns was always the fact that I was growing old (or so I figured. Because, as you know, the mid-20s are horribly aged) and I was feeling rather repressed by this fact, and my fear that I had missed out on so much of my youth due, in part, to my own reserved nature and also because of my teaching job in Alaska.
Upon moving to Fargo to go back to school, I suddenly saw my oppertunity to change all of this; helped in large part by several friends of mine who were a few years younger than myself (sadly, my Grad department in Fargo is largely heavily introverted. Although I've made some good friends in it, I've found myself hanging out with undergrads largely as a neccesity.) What came out of this was a year of, in my own mind, trying to get all of those experiences which I was convinced that I had missed out on previously.
What does this mean? Basically, at the later age of 26 and 27 I managed to become the party guy that I had always wanted to be from 19-25. In other words; I spent a year drinking myself into oblivion and socializing far more than I ever had previously. To put it somewhat more metaphorically, I didn't just come out of my shell; I shattered the shell and then spent months obliterating the remnants of said shell with a sledge hammer. Many a good time was had by all.
Or so it seemed!
Not wanting to make myself sound better than I am, I will not say that I came to a "road to Damascus" type moment where I realized the folly of ways. In fact, it was a rather slow process, and I'm not sure I'm even done with it yet. All I know for a fact is that, beginning around late March and early April the life style which I had adopted began to feel hollow. Not only was I 'making myself stupid' (one of my favorite euphenisms I adopted for gettign too drunk) on, at least, a every-other-day basis, I also began to become concerned that I was acting like a young idiot. I turned 27 in March, which was a bit of a shock when I realized that that was the age my Dad was when he married my Mother, and I came to realize that the big 3-0 was looming up ahead of me and there was nothing I could do to stop its aweful impact. Furthermore, I would be amiss to not point out that heavy drinking runs on both sides of my family, and it has occasionally developed into alchohalism in certain members. Finally, the death of two of my uncles within a month of one another (one from cancer, the other from a heart attack brought on by his heavy drinking lifestyle) had a noticable impact on me as I, for the perhaps the first time in my life, realized that I may not, in fact, be immortal! (I still question this conclusion, and hold out hope that I may, in fact, still BE immortal; but all of the evidence I've gained so far makes it seem unlikely. Damn mortality!)
What followed was several halting steps towards getting myself back on the right track. Now that I had experienced the harder lifestyle I had always dreamed off, flaws in it quickly came to light
1) It can be rather soul deadening
2) As someone who, likely, suffers from ADD (I've never been tested, but almost everyone I know, save my Mother, seem assured that I have it) large amounts of beer and other substances were making it ever harder to concentrate on my school work. I should point out that, despite my apparent inability to focus, I still have managed to pull better grades than I ever did as an Undergrad or, for that matter, at any other time in my life. For some reason, however, this accomplishments seemed to matter less to me than they shoud have
3) It is terribly expensive. Oddly enough, when you spend most of your money on beer, you have very little to spend on other needed things, such as bills and food (I did, on the other hand, always seem to have enough to spend on RECORDS. I've put together a rather amazing vinyl collection over thel ast year that I am terribly proud of. Yes, I am a music geek!
3) My once flaunted ambition began to fall away slowly but surely.
I feel as though I need to point out now, lest this sounds worse than it really was, that I never crossed the line into alchohalism to the best of my knowledge. I was, at several points, able to go weeks without anything (usually when I went home to do research for my thesis) without any cravings or such things. For that I count myself monumentally lucky; and I thank god that I, apparently, did not inherit those genes which could have sent me spiraling over the edge. I really am a rather lucky person in many ways.
To make a long story short, I was forced to reevaluate many of my ways as a result of certain incidents, including a minor finanacial collapse. What really shocks me about said collapse, I should point out, is not that it happened; I'm rather free with money at the best of times, am overly willing to lend said money to friends when they hit rough patches, and am a rather social person to boot. What is really shocking is that it didn't happen sooner; somehow I was able to stagger along for an entire year before the inevitable happened. See previous comment about my inherent luckiness.
So, what caused this all in the first place? Well, the blame has to rest soley on myself, of course; a momentary lack of self-reflection blinded me to what was going on (an oddity in itself, as I've historically been a very self reflective person. It just goes to show that anyone can trip up from time to time). Blame aside, I think one of the biggest causes was, of course, Alaska. My two years there had beaten down my self esteem and made me question my own optimistic world view that anythign can be accomplished with the right amount of effort.
Furthermore, and this should come as no suprise to anyone who used to read this blog, I think I was much more deeply wounded by my experiences there than I had wanted to let myself believe. Recieving death threats, having an attempt on ones life, and feeling socially ostricized for two years is a lot for anyone to handle; and it becomes only worse when you are met with a complete inability for others to understand your experiences upon returning.
This was coupled with my own deep seated rebellious nature. In my mind, I had been forced to act far more maturely in Alaska than I had been prepared to at the age of 23-5; furthermore I also was angry that I had been forced to miss out on what I saw as the experiences of actually being that age. To make matters worse, the complete lack of anyone my own age there had thrown off my own understanding of how I was supposed to act. (Luckily for me, I had some very good friends from college, and on here, who helped me through the worst of it. But, sadly, internet communication is no substitution for face-to-face social contact).
This led me, upon returning, to seek shelter in the last period of my life when I felt truly comfortable and happy with myself; that blissful time from 2003-4 when I had lived in Ireland and then returned to Marquette for my final year in school. However, even then there was a problem; I've always had a strong sense that "you can't go back". I knew on some level that I wouldn't be able to recreate my life at the time (not that I didn't try) and so I decided to one-up myself; in effect experiencing all of the glory of being a young 20-something while, at the same time, out doing past selse. I believe that I felt that by having all of these "new experiences" that I'd feel content and could still imagine myself as the same adventerous kid I once had been.
And, in all hoensty, for a while it worked. To this day, I wouldn't take the last year back at all; I learnt a good deal about myself, my own short comings, and can finally check off the "Partying lifestyle" on the "things I've always wanted to experience" check list.
But, it got to be a bit much, and I'm coming to see that the time has finally come to grow up a bit. I want to finish my Master's degree during this next year which means I'm going to have to apply myself like I haven't in a while. In the next 9 months I need to A) finish my comps B) write my thesis and C) learn German. No easy task, and none of them will be possible if I contineu in the same vein as I have for the past year or so.
I should finish this journal shortly, as I doubt anyone wants to read all of this
However, I need to point out that, luckily (there is that word again!) everything seems to be falling together for me once again. Over the past few weeks I seem to have tapped into that amazing energy which I possessed in college; that elusive trait which, looking back, is what I missed most of all after Alaska anyway. I've been having an odd series of dreams which, from what I can gather by doing some research into Jung, point in the same direction as well.
This past year has taught me that I am a very social person, and for that reason alone it was good. But now the time has come to reapply myself to my school work and, just as importantly, get back to the gym (apparently heavy drinking also causes one to gain weight; especially when that person has a slow metabolism. DOH!)
For the first time in years, I'm once again looking forward to the future with a feeling of optimism, excitement and high energy. And that makes me happy indeed! I've even had the urge recently, to take out some old short stories ideas of mine that had been gathering dust, and rewrite them. its all very exciting!
Now, does this mean that I'm going to stop going out to the bars and socializing completely? Of course not. One of my favorite quotes in an ancient Greek saying "To all things, moderating, including moderaton itself". Well, I've been doing the later half of that for a while. Now its time to relearn the FIRST part
Now we'll end with another appropriate video
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did you ever get that orson welles haircut?