dannydmc

I've been drinking a bit too much lately; not to the point of it becoming a problem, only about two beers a night, but I did refuse to have a sip for a few days this week just to make sure that I hadn't stumbled into a family curse that I have no desire to pick up.
Things have been going pretty well around here as of late. I was blessed, this week, with no classes; the result of a History conference that half of the History department had fled to. As a result, I was able to focus almost entirely on my school work and am feeling a lot more confident about my classes. Yes; I have two twenty page papers due at the end of the semester (and a rough draft of one coming up in a few weeks), but I feel that I'm getting a small level of mastry upon the two subjects; I should be able to do all right.
The problem (and isn't there always a problem) is that I can't afford to just do 'all right'. I was allowed into Grad School on probation, a result of being a non-traditional student and also due to my grades in college which were good, but nothing to write home about. What this means is that I badly need to pull at least a 'B' in all three of my classes or I'll find my ass kicked to the curb.
Adding into this, there is just my constant desire to impress people. As much as I may sometimes complain about being 'the glory boy' of the family, the one who is expected to do great things, I've grown to love the position as well. I badly need to be seen as doing well, to be showered with praise, and to be seen as great at what ever I do.
When I was in college, this wasn't a problem. I was seen by my friends, and professors, as a pretty intelligent guy who had a great grasp of matters, and who was powerful. Experiences in the last three years, however, had not lived up to my own expectations; there was the terrible "Madison Incident", where I was apparently fired people people didn't like me (and that, right there, has fed into a fear/desire-to-impress authority figures), teaching in Alaska (which, although not a failure, did end with my own admission that I wasn't a good teacher and, more over, I didn't know everything). I badly need grad school to pan out and succeed here.
Work is also getting to me. I'm not lazy, there are few people I know who would claim I am. But there is a part of me that really resents the fact that I have to work now; here I am, in grad school, and too much of my time is focused on working when I should be casting my eye towards matters academic). Unforutantely, I have no other source of income; my folks have bother offered he some help in small things, both also begging me not to tell the other parent that they agreed to do this ) but I certainly can't expect them to finance me while in school. My Mother put it best; "I think I've gotten to a point in my life now, when I can spend my money on things _I_ want, instead of always giving it to others". Although I can understand her point of view, I did respond by telling her to "Give me yer money, BITCH". He laughed and threatened to slap me (and yes, before anyone says it; I was JOKING..mostly. And, although I will joke around with my Mother with that language, I would NEVER use it in anger. We joke around like that all the time. As she once said, "If you didn't say those things; I'd think you didn't love me")
Ok, so thats the bad news (and yes, I know I said things are going well; and they are)

Here's some of the good:

1) I do feel more confident about my two papers
2) They've cut down my hours at work (feeding into my financial worries; true, but also giving me the chance to study more)
3) My cousin Matt got accepted into college!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm so bloody happy for him! It took him a while to come around to understanding that that's where he needed to be, but he's gotten there and has grown up so much in the past year (and, despite my inability to talk about emotions usually, I have told him how proud I am of him for doing it) I wish that guy the best; he's a really bright young man and, I think, given the right atmosphere and personal drive, he can finally overcome some of the demons from his past (namely; his Father).
4) Although I'm still convinced I might work myself into an illness or two, I've thrown myself into my school work and have been getting a lot of it done.
5) I took Thursday off. Yes, this might not jive with number four, but I needed to do it. I only did a bit of work on Thursday and instead did a few chores that needed to get done; I took my cat in to get neutered, bought a new pair of jeans and got a hair cut. Even better, I've discovered a great barber in town; a distinguished older man who's been cutting hair since he got back from Korea in the 1950's. Great guy; he ended up telling me of his misadventures after getting decommisioned and dropped off by the army in California. I love barbers
Also I did something else that I've wanted to do for a while, but hadn't found the time; I explored Fargo. I got behind the wheel of my car with no real destination in mind, and just started bumming around. Ended up driving into some neighborhoods I hadn't seen before and had a blast. There was also this REALLY cute girl working at the Liqour store I found
6) Although my social life has been rather....dead, I've been making a few strides. I might hang out with a girl I had two dates with earlier in the summer (things didn't work out; but she's still a cool gal, and I need friends ), and I have noticed that some of the girls at work have been paying me more attention than I'm used to. I think I might ask one of them out.
7) My Mother got adopted by one of the women at work
Let me explain: The Hmong are a group from South East Asia (mainly Loas) who have been moving to our region for the past twenty years or so; many were forced out of their homes because they were US allies during the Vietnam war.
Anyway, many of those who've come to Wisconsin have faced a lot of racism. Wisconsinites are used to groups coming from Central and Eastern Europe, but have shown a great difficulty in getting used to this new ethnicity moving into the region. My Mother, truth be told, was just as bad as most; she didn't trust the Hmong all that much.
This started to change when they hired several at the factory she worked with. She ended up becoming close friends with a woman, Ia, who taught her some Hmong and, generally, just enjoyed her company. They've been baking for each other for a while and gotten to the point where they're one another's best friends at work.
Well, Ia had to quit work recently after a family tragedy (her daughter was killed by her estranged husband), to take care of her grandchildren who she got custody of. My Mum has been talking to her and has been trying to give her some help how ever she can.
Ia's sister also works at the same factory as my Mother and, the other day, went up to her and asked if they could be sisters She said she reallyed liked her (my Mother) and saw how much she cared for her sister (Ia). My Mother, shocked, said that was the nicest thing anyone's ever said to her and "of course!" So, apparently, I have a new Aunt now


Anyway, as a final note, I'm going to repost a dream that I had the other night. Its really an odd one:

Well, this was certainly a nightmare; I don't get them often, but the horror elements and fright are certainly there. Although, I'll admit that I didn't wake up in a state of blind panic; one of my first thought was 'hey, that would make a pretty good story"

The Dream:

The dream begins, and I'm sitting in the back of a (school?) bus. Its dark outside and the bus, although not packed, isn't empty either. The bus passed a ramshackle old building which, I think, might have been an old hospital.
One of the other people on the bus, a young kid, looks at me and asks if I've ever been there. I don't like his attitude and snap back with something along the lines of "Why would you want to know that!?" Judging from my attitude towards the kid, I'm assuming I might be a teacher in the dream (I was a rather angry teacher, to say the least)
The scene then shifts to a hotel that I'm staying at with my 'wife'. Its storming outside and suddenly there is a knock on the door. I open it and there are several small children there (I'd say about 8-10 year olds), all are girls; I think there was three of them. They ask to be let into the hotel.
Once again, I sense something I don't like about them; maybe its the way they smile, but there is something threatening about them. I tell them they can't come in, and they keep asking.
Its at that point that I put two and two together; they seem unable to enter the building without permission...they must be vampires. I become increadibly afraid, but repeat that they aren't welcome, and shut the door on them.
Once the door is shut, I begin running around and yelling at everyone to not let the children in because they are evil. People, at first, don't seem to believe me, but they seem to come around. My wife, herself, seems frantic about these young vampires.
The dream then falshes forward a bit; somehow the vampires have gotten into the hotel. Its my 'wife's fault and she's apologizing. I'm not angry at her, even though OUR two children (a boy and a girl) seem to have been bitten themselves and are lying close to death. I'm focusing on saving everyone's life when suddenly a horde of Vampires attack me.
They push me to the ground, despite trying to fight them off as best I can, and I suddenly realize that I have no control over what's happening. There is nothing _I_ can do to fix this problem in the least. I decide to do something which goes rather against my character:
With the Vampires pushing down on me, I fall to my knees and begin to pray; a formal prayer to boot, I believe it was one of the psalms; the "I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, but fear no evil" one. (not bad for a guy who hasn't considered himself a Christian for many years now, eh!)
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light, with me at the epicenter of it, it explodes out in the form of a dome and throws the Vampires off of me, apparently killing them as they don't appear in the dream after that.
I get up and rush to my children who are lying on the ground. I take one look at them and say "Its not too late, their iron plating hasn't finished yet" (apparently, when you become a vampire, you become encased in hexagonal iron plates for a bit) I pour some water on them and apparently cure them.
Its at this point, that I wake up.


Background:

As I've made clear in the past; I taught High School for two years and had a bit of a miserable time of it (not to say it was all bad; I liked almost everyone in the village, and even liked most of my students, as human beings, even if I had real difficulties with them as STUDENTS). I just started Grad School, determined to put the past behind me, get a new career, build a new social life (which was missing for the past several years) and even start dating again.
The problem: Grad School involves a helluva lot more work than I thought I've been spending most of my time studying, reading, and working at Wal-mart and haven't had time to build that social network that I desperately want(need?)
More over, as much as I like school, my first several assignments I've turned in were not as good as I'd wanted them to be; the result of my skills getting a bit rusty after three years out of classes. This has thrown me for a loop because, when ever I applied myself in the past, I ALWAYS did well; the times when my grades were lacklust were more about me not caring and doing a half-assed job. Although I've chalked a lot of this up me being out of school for a while, and not knowing the expectations at the time, a part of me has become worried that maybe I'm not cut out for the program after all.
To make matters worse, Wal-Mart has been scheduling me for too many hours, despite my many efforts to explain I only want to work two days a week; the result being that, although I've still been getting my work done, I've been forced to try and cram more and more time into the day, at the expense of doing activities I enjoy. I'm fairly certain I'm going to work myself into a case of phneumonia by the end of the year.
Then you add in the difficulties of going from making 46 k a year into working 20 hours a week at 7.75 an hour and.......well, I hate money. it confuses me and I wish it would go away (which, come to think of it, it IS going away...out of my checkbook. But thats not what I mean )

Thoughts:

Anima: Well my anima, of female side, seems to be showing up as my 'wife' (since I don't have one in real life, after all ). However, she might also have appeared as the three small vampires in the beginning, since they were female as well. Possibly this is her dark side showing, especially since my wife seems to let the vampires in in the first place.

Vampires: What do we know about vampires? They are dead, but refuse to actually die and leave this world. They are blood suckers, and kill others to sustain their life and turn others into other versions of themselves.
Could they be representing my 'problems'? They are also bloodsuckers, as I seem to be spedning too much time thinking and worrying about them.

The storm: Storms usually point to a lot of conflict and unease in one's subconcous.

Children: I've been having a reoccuring image of children in my dreams lately. I don't know exactly what they mean; possibly a new start? A rebirth of the 'divine child' in my unconcious?

The god incident: This one is the most interesting, because it seems to be the climax of the dream. In dreams, 'God' usually appears as a reference to the 'self'. In the dream, I give up fighting and pray to 'god' for help; the result is a blinding flash of light and the destruction of the vampires. As a result, I'm able to run over and save my children from death, and worse, with the sprinkling of water (a typical image of holiness; look at baptism and the splashing of holy water on the head when entering a Catholic Church. I grew up Catholic, by the way).