dannydmc

I'm back (back) the fog has lifted
The earth has shifted
and raised the gifted
You knew I'd be back
so pack your bone And hit the road jack
cause daddy's home

-"Forever" Kid Rock

I'm sorry; I couldn't resist. As a self respecting fan of Indie Country, Classic Rock, Punk and many other generally alternative genres, I know I'm supposed to hate Kid Rock; but I just can't bring myself too. He might be a guilty pleasure, but fuck it, you listen to "Cocky" and tell me you don't feel 20 times better about yourself than you did five minutes earlier. Go ahead. Tell me you don't. Can't, can yah? Didn't think so.

And besides; I.Am.BACK!

Yup, thats right; you heard that perfectly. _I AM BACK!_

Oh, that sounds so good to my ears; a scream of true jubilation eminating from my own lips. Its been so long since I could say that; since I could even dream of uttering those words.

Now, I hear you asking yourself "Back from where? Where are you now?" I could point out that I'm back in college, and out of Alaska but that doesn't exactly cover it. I've been back in college for a few weeks now after all; so thats not exactly what I'm getting at.
No, this epifamy hit me in two parts over the past few days. The first time I was leaving my first day at my new job (At WalMart, none the less! I'd always sworn I'd never go back to there, but oh well). I was walking through the parking lot after a long shift, I had to run to the library to work on a project due on Wednesday and I suddenly realized something:

Working At WalMart? Check Over Worked at School? Check Rushing to get a paper done? Yup.
I was back to where I'd been during my final year of college. Oh, the social network I had back then has scattered across the country, but I'm confident I'll pull more friends together. But, if you look at the general situation, its as if I've picked up exactly where I left off.

That, oddly enough, felt pretty good.

Then, today, I was putting on the finishing touches of the research I needed to do for my project on Wednesday and, once again, I was hit solidly in the gut with the realization that I can do this! When I'd first gotten the assignment, I had taken one look at it and cried foul. There was no way in hell I could manage to complete it in time; I was going to fail the class and get kicked out of the grad school; returning home an abject failure (again).
And then, as I always do in this situations, I'd swallowed my fears and put my nose down to the grind stone and started to WORK. And, you know what? I got it done. Its sitting in my book bag right now, as a matter of fact. Typed out, formatted and ready to be handed in; all I have to do is make one more photocopy at the library tomorrow.
This may sound minor to you; but I DIDN'T FAIL!

Looking back, I think this is the first real success I've had in the past three years. Sound depressing? Well, it should, because it was. I've spent the last three years of my life enduring; I endured student teaching, I endured being out of work in Madison, I endured Alaska. What ever joys I found in those places I snatched out from the overwhelming burden of my own misery. There is a certain dignity and virtue inherent in enduring in the face of such conditions, I would never deny it, put there is precious little pleasure or sense of accomplishment.
But, for the first time in three years, I'm getting the sense that I might not fail this time; that I might indeed succeed at something.
And, like the desert blooming after a long drought, I found my long-buried confidence pushing itself up from the Earth and I experienced this sudden overwhelming rush of gladness. I can't even put into words how good I felt.
The only time I've felt that good recently was while behind the wheel of a car; driving being something that I love to do almost above anything else. A smile was on my face, a spring in my step, and I could feel the inkling of my old self coming back; tempered by the fires of hell, but strong and youthful and energetic.
I immediately ran home, jumped onto my car, and took off towards the Mall with some good Rockabilly on the stereo, and my voice raised in song.

This assigment, something I would have taken for granted a few years ago; you know, I may not get an A on it. I've been out of the schooling cycle for a long time. But I'm not going to fail it either; I suspect I'll pull a B on it. The same might well be true for the two papers I've got due at the end of the semester. But, the important thing is, is that I no longer feel like the cards are stacked against me; if I work hard at this, and attack it directly rather than seeing it as something to be endured and tolerated, I'll be fine this semester. I may well be sweating blood by December, but I will manage to succeed and I will stay in the program, and I will get my degree.

And, you know what? That alone makes me feel pretty damn good about myself.