dannydmc

I thought that I'd update this today after having a rather good day; breaking my long tradition of writing journals only on days which sucked and on which I needed to vent. Work went pretty well, I survived and left the building in a state of non-mental, physical and spiritual exaustion; which is even more of an accomplishment when you realize that daylight savings time has kicked my ass this year.

On the bright side, I've picked up my fiddle for the first time in over a year and have been sawing away at it. I suck at the instrument, but that doesn't frustrate me; I was a beginner when I had to give it up the first time, and so I'd have been greatly disturbed if I was suddenly able to play well! Actually it felt good to have the old saw in my hands again; I practiced for over half an hour and only set it down when my Mother called for her weekly Wednesday night chat.

My dreams have continued to be strange. I had the oddest one the other day which I've been mulling over all week:

I was going to a Science Fiction convention with my Father of all people. This is weird when you consider that, while both my Dad and I are SF fans, neither of us are what you would consider 'convention folk'. To make matters even weirder, the only way to get to the convention was by putting on scuba gear and diving down to the bottom of the ocean where the convention hall was located in a glass bubble. There were also holes in the Scuba Gear itself and, although I first paniced, I found that I could breath the actual water before too long.
So, we got to the convention and wandered around. Everywhere we went, we ended up meeting people who my Dad had known when he was my age; it was obvious he hadn't been there in about 30 years. It felt a lot like back when I was a kid and my Dad would take me traveling; just the two of us on an adventure of sorts (although, luckily, we didn't find in the dream; I always seem to remember me and him getting into at least one fight when we did this as a kid )
The convention ended and we left. Some time passed and, suddenly, I decide to go back to the convention hall; but this time I'm going by myself. I get into the scuba gear and descend and its just like before; except this time everyone recognizes me when I get there. The guy at the door gives me a box and tells me that, if I want to get in, I have to wear whats inside. I open the box and find that its actually my Dad's old clothes (which he might have been wearing when we first went down). I suddenly realize that its been years since I've last been down there and, I think, I haven't seen my Dad in quiet some time.
I put on the clothes (a denim shirt and these black horm rimmed glasses) and happen to look in the mirror when I suddenly realize that I look JUST LIKE my Father (I have a picture of him at my age and I was the spitting image of him in the pic). I feel immensly sad and lonely but, at the same time, this feel of connection and purpose as well.
It was about that time that I woke up.

So, what does this mean, exactly? Does my 'Father' in the dream really represent my Dad, or something else? I can't say.

First of all, on a completely literal sense, if I put on my Dad's clothes I WOULD look just like him; albiet shorter and heavier set. The physical resemblence between the two of us is pretty strong and, I've been told, personality wise, its the same sort of thing. There are differences (my temperment a bit different, for instance), but there is very little doubt in anyone's mind that we're Father and Son.
This used to intimidate the hell out of me. My Father had a very challanging childhood and life as a young adult; he doesn't talk about it much, but has grown more open in recent years. I actually used to envy him for it, because he always seemed much stronger than I was, as a result, and he had so much better stories For instance: When _HE_ was 16, he ran away from home twice; once getting all the way to San Francisco before being picked up for jay walking, and the other time he got to Woodstock for the concert (yes, THAT, concert). I, on the other hand, spent my 16th year bemoaning that Donelle, my crush at the time, didn't love me
As I got older, our simularities became a bit of a double edged sword; on one hand I wan't to be my own person and stake out my own identity, on the other I still did (and still do, for that matter) take tremendous pride when someone tells me "You act so much like your Dad". Of course, being 24, I've grown to see him less as this omnipotent force of right in the world, and more as a strong willed man who's done a lot of good things in his life, but who is still a flawed man; although a bit of the awe I felt when I was younger still lingers.
Add to this my deep hunger to actually know his side of the family better. Growing up they were always this distant clan of rowdy Irishmen from Souther Wisconsin; occasionally mentioned but never seen. I always strove to be more like them (well, the good qualities at least) or have some connection with that branch, but it hasn't been until the past few years that I've gotten to know some of my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins' better. Oddly enough, the more I do know them, the more I realize that I DO take after that branch quiet a bit; although, I am certainly one of the more mellow members of it. Still, since I did not know them well growing up, there has always been this desire to associate myself to them in odd ways; one of the reasons I've grown my hair out in the past few years (besides the fact that _I_ think I look damn good with long hair) is that most of the men in the family had long hair during their teens and twenties. Kind of a dumb thing to do, I know, but I've done it all the same; although when called on it by my Dad who said I was triyng to be just like him, I did snap back "Oh, you'd like _THAT_ wouldn't you, you arrogant old man" It got a good laugh, I almost always do, but his comment struck a bit closer to home than I liked, apparently.
So, does any of that tie into this dream? I'm pretty sure it does, but I don't know how. Does it mean that I'm growing comfortable with the connections to my Father and his family, or something else entirely? I'm not sure.


BTW, just for comparison's sake, here is the pic of my Dad I mentioned in the dream, and one of me.




And now me; with short hair, because I don't have a good one of me with the longer hair