This is most likely going to be a long entry: proceed at your own risk
I've been doing a lot of thinking since I wrote my last journal entry here, and I'm coming to a strong conclusion, one which I've been doing my best to avoid for some time; I'm a very blessed person. For the past few years I really have been focusing merely on the negatives; I don't like my job, I'm confused most of the time, I don't know what I'm doing, my friends are scattered across the country, I'm way too isolated. The more I think about it though, these are all true, but only tell half of the story. For my own sake, I want to write the other half here. I'll understand if no one wants to respond to what I've written (I never have the most read blog on SG anyway), but I need to put this down for my own sake.
People like helping me. I've recognized this for a long time, but have actually viewed it as a bad thing for much of that time. I was always the family's "golden child" growing it; it was always expected that "Danny D" (as my aunt Bernie and Uncle David call me) was going to accomplish something with his life. From a young age people just saw something in me, and have gone out of their way to give me a hand up when the going gets tough. Unfortunately, in me, this came with a lot of stress; I was always afraid that I was letting everyone down if things were not going splendid for me at all times. Recently, when someone tried to break into my house, threatening to kill me, I actually refused to tell most of the people close to me about it, because I was embarrassed of all things.
Just last week my Dad's boss, hearing that I was having troubles getting into grad school, said that he might e-mail one of his friends at a school I applied to, and strongly suggest they let me in. Why? I've met this man a few times, sure, and we've gotten along; but why would he go out on a limb for me like that? I don't know the answer. For that matter, there is my current principle; an old warhorse and a splendid administrator. The two of us have gotten along well since she first came here last year, and we ended up talking for three hours straight on the day I met her. She has, I firmly believe, over looked some of my deficiences on the job and has always given me an open ear when I needed someone to talk to. Why?
It all confuses me, and this confusion has had some nasty effects on me over the years. I put on a show of arrogance from time to time; and I think a large part of this is me trying to act a part. If so many people see something in me, there must be something about me to cause them to do it; but I'll be damned if I can figure out what it is. I've been told by so many people that I'm smart, that I'm willing to believe it (although I don't always feel it), and nearly as many people have told me that I'm easy to talk to. But, there has to be more to it than just that, doesn't there? I mean, there has to be some reason to explain all of the extra "mothers" and "fathers" I've picked up over the years.
After the last time, though; with the college incident, I've decided to let go. Yes, I don't understand it and, most likely, I never will. But, rather than get worked up about it and stressed, I should just look at it as a boon; there are many people who have not had the bennefits that I've had, and I should be thankful for them.
Secondly: somehow or another, I've managed to be born into a family with two wonderful parents. Growing up, most of my friends were not so lucky; this only became more evident as I got to college and saw the disdain and anger that most of my fellows felt towards their families. I never had that; and there was a part of me which was actually ashamed of this fact. I felt as if, possibly, I wasn't as mature as them because I had, apparently, never become independent from my family. This is, as I look back, a load of bull shit. Yes, my Father is a hero of mine, and I should celebrate that fact rather than feel undermined by it.
Growing up, my Father was always a pillar of stability in the family. He was the disciplinarian, true, and one could easily be moved to fear when you managed to excite his rightious anger. But this happened very rarely; he was rarely a man to become loud, and taught us more by example than with words. In many ways he was a stereotypical Irish father; he didn't believe in strong outbursts of emotion and believed that you should solve your problems yourself. But, if either my sister or I needed his advice, he never told us what we should do, but instead gave us advice and allowed us to figure things out for ourselves. He is passionately loyal to his family and to his ideals, and I can't remember ever seeing him sacrifice either just to get ahead; sometimes you had to trudge through life, but even when the going got tough, you should still keep your head up and show a sense of pride. He is the type of man who never bowed his head down to anyone or anything, and that had a very strong impact on me growing up.
Is he perfect? Of course not, no one is. His stoicism, occasionally, left him distant from the rest of us at times. If he had been willing to not act out on his ideals, most likely, my family would be much richer and more powerful; I fully expect to hear about some of his youthful adventures when I'm running for office someday. He's not terribly good with money; and his desire to see that we all had everything we wanted put the family in bad financial straits more than once. Still, despite this, I don't think I could have asked for any better.
My Mother is another creature entirely. She's a very sensative woman who has had the misfortune of living in a family with three emotionally distant people (to give you an idea; I'm the most open one of us next to her). She has, for years I think, battled low self-esteem; a problem which stems from growing up, I think, and being labled as 'different' by her peers one to many times. And yet, she has always cared very much for us and was willing to do anything to make sure that her children got ahead. She possesses the patience of a saint, as would anyone who had to deal with my sister and I growing up; two angry, arrogant, Irish kids who fully expected to conquer the world itself one day. I still remember the time she drove me to Wausau in the middle of a blizzard, simply because my weekly comic books had come out that day and I wanted to get them. A feat that was all the more amazing when you consider that she's terrified of driving.
She's a loving woman and much wiser, I think, that any of us have ever given her credit for. She instilled in me a deep love of the land, of Wisconsin, beer, and of family (her's, of course; she considers my Dad's family to be a bunch of hooligans. She's largely right.) She has always been supportive; not always agreeing with what I wanted to do, but always ready to back me up to the hilt to see that I accomplished my goals. She was always there are school when our class needed someoen to go on a trip, or bake cookies, or any other number of things which so many parents these days can't be bothered to do. And, perhaps most impressive, she did all of this while putting up me my sister and I's constant jokes at her expense (For instance: for many years we would both do impressions of her which involved pulling our heads into our shirts and flapping our arms around like a chicken with its head cut off. We were assholes).
So, yes, I was blessed with amazing parents; and for that I should be eternally greatful. Thanks guys!
Finally, I've had some great friends over the years. I've never been one to have a lot of friends; especially when I was younger. I've always been seen as a bit 'off' by many of my peers, 'strange'. But the friends I have picked up in that time have been amazing. When I've needed someone to talk too because I needed advice or simply someone to listen to my thoughts, they've always been there.
So, this is to Doug; one of the best friends I've ever had, who has been reading my weekly 2-3 page letters from Alaska without groaning and, in fact, seems to look forward to them. A guy who never rolled his eyes when I told him that I wanted to enter into politics and, instead, seems to fully expect that I'll be President of the United States someday.
And this is to Jack who puts up my and Doug's talks about politics and rantings about my love life. A guy who can always be counted on to get me to do something increadibly stupid while we're drinking, but is always there when I need to get a pint or two and relax.
For John; who always comes equipt with the needle to puncture my inflated ego when need be. A guy who's got his own problems, but has always dropped what ever he was doing to go back a movie and a beer on the weekend. Who has listened patiently to my complaints about my job and situation and, after I apologized, simply said "Don't worry man, you live in !@#( ALASKA! I'd feel the same way if I was there".
For Donelle: an old friend of mine from High School who I treated badly because I was head over heels in love with her for so many years and she didn't feel the same way back. She put up with the thunderstorms of my hurt ego and has still been one of my best friends ever; even if we've grown apart in recent years.
Shannon: My other great friend from High School who's always got a smile on her face and a joke to tell. She loves Wisconsin as much as I do; even though I think the barbs of High School wounded her deeper than they did me. Nervous, chaotic, occasionally self-centered; and yet she puts up with the same things in me.
Crystal; a girl I met in college who, I think, saw me as a bit of a project when we first met. She was my first friend when I got to school and remained one of the best I've had ever since. We've manage to put up one each other's egos and no longer get into screaming matches over who's right. The fact that we live on opposite sides of the country might have something to do with this She's a great woman, who found herself a [erfect husband (they are the cutest couple I've ever seen) and I envy her a bit.
And lets not forget my cousin's Matt and Tom who are the brothers I never had, but always wanted! Matt, who had to put up with an abusive Father and who's never seemed to ever really been able to reconcile himself to the world; and yet patiently as his younger cousin tried desperately to 'fix' him. A guy who read the entire Dune Chronicles with me and stayed up until 2 in the morning many a night in High School discussing literary interpetations of them with him. We may have grown a part in recent years, but he was one of my closest comrades in High School and I still keep an eye out on him when I can.
And, of course, Tom; my youngest cousin and possibly the person I've been closest to for many years. He's a great kid and, even though I give him shit about having picked up sugar daddies over the years (he, apparently, has the same gift I have of people wanting to help us; but in spades). Intelligent, passionate, dedicated and fun; I wish there were more people in the world like him. Although his constant jokes about carrying on for me after I 'accidently' get assassinated do scare me a bit
So, there you have it; just a small number of the people and things I have been blessed with throughout the years and that I am thankful for. I know there should be more on this list, and I feel bad about leaving certain things out, but the post is long enough already that I doubt anyone is going to read it. Oh well; so be it. Maybe I'll talk about people such as Kathy Madsen and Skyflight (may they rest in peace) later.
Take care all of you; thanks for everything you've all done for me and, most of all, take some time to think about the ways in which your life has been good to. And, don't worry, I'm sure my next entry will go back to such well worn topics such as my job (grrr), and my ex who I've been chatting with again and who I've managed to rekindle my feelings for (*sighs)
Have a great one!
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
phoenixgirl:
I think you need to give yourself alot more credit, it sounds like a lot of people really see good in you, potential, anything...go with it, its great that you have such a wonderful support system in your friends and familiy!!
starbuck42:
Physics and Astronomy.