dannydmc

Its been nearly two weeks since I touched a cigarette and I find that my cravings are getting less and less each day; today I had only one peice of nicotine gum and a cigar and am feeling quiet proud of myself! I no longer doubt that I'll be able to quit; although I worry that I might go back to them again if the stress builds up enough in the next few months. I jokingly blame my Dad for offering me one after my wisdom teeth were removed, which caused me to start again; but the truth remains that I was looking for the excuse. I'd been bumming individual ones for about two weeks before then. Him offering me one was just a last straw that puched me back into their embrace; it made it 'ok' in a way.
Things are going pretty well around here; I'm feeling much less stressed than I did at this point last year. Most of it, I think, is that I know that this journey is nearing its end. I won't be coming back next year, although I haven't told many people that. I don't want to count my chickens before they're hatched, of course, lord knows things could go bad here pretty quickly under the right (or wrong) conditions. But, for the time being, I'm enjoying the calm which comes part way through the storm and praying that the second part of that storm doesn't batter down me walls.

You know, its interesting, I've been doing a lot of readings on religion lately and I've finally put my finger on what it is that bugs me most about most Eastern spirituality. Its the lack of emphisis on individuality. Almost all of the great Eastern religions are based around the premis of dying to the world and emercing ones self in the 'all soul' (for lack of a better term....god that sounds like New Age pap) to the point of the iddsolution of the self itself.
A lot of people bad mouth Western culture; they point to the fact that we obsess to much on the concept of "I" and there is the unsaid assumption that one who plays his part in the Occidental drama can't truly become spiritually attuned. I find that notion offensive, truth be told.
The Indo-European culture has always been one based on the idea of "I", as most hunting/herding societies were. Although we have long given up our herds of goats, we remain at the very base, a warrior society. The western man or woman seeks glory and acclaim for their deeds; we wish to win fame and dominate. This doesn't have to be simply in the realm of war; a business or a politician is just as much a warrior in his or her own way as a blood spattered charioteer charing across the Russian steppe.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that this is NOT a bad thing; it is not negative in the least. It is simply who we are at heart and to turn ones back on this is to also turn your back on the symphonies of Bach and Beethoven, the sculptures of Michaelangelo, the poetry of Milton and Blake. All of those men were warriors in their own way; they created because they sought fame in their field and express the poetry of their own souls. We are a society which is obsessed with the concept of the individual hero striving against the odds to, not only win, but to conquer the opposition.
Out downfall as a culture, I think, was the triumph of the scientific ideal at the expense of all other forms of knowledge. We have become onesided, not because of our warrior ways, but because of the utter domination of the faculties of the right brain. As I told a friend a while ago, and was soundly mocked for it, I think that the Enlightenment was a disaster for our society.
Of course, maybe the reason I'm saying this all, is because I do feel the desire for conquest in myself and have long wanted nothing less than to be a hero of the old order. Teaching doesn't fit me, simply because it nessesitates a submersion of the 'self' and that rankles me something aweful. I may not the physique of a warrior, but I still seek to fight and win in my own field; maybe the reason that politics has drawn me so greatly over the years.