Well, another day and another sleepless night. Apparently last night was the only good night of sleep I'm being allowed this week; I came home after a long day and went to bed around 9 and crashed until 7 this morning. It was utterly divine. Tonight, on the other hand, despite being tired to the point that my legs are cramping up, there is no sleep for Danny-boy. I popped some Nite-Quil a few minutes ago, and am praying that that will kick in and help me get some rest. Its a bad habit, and I don't want to start relying on any form of medication (even cold medication) to sleep, but the thought of laying in bed until 3 this morning and them getting back up for work and 7 doesn't interest me in the least either.
As I said, the problem is not that I'm not tired, because I am; the problem seems to be that when ever I lay down and close my eyes, my mind kicks into overdrive. Finally with some time to think, I begin going over all the events of the day, the things that need to be done, humanities relation to the universe, my conception of god and religion, how I miss home. A wide variety of topics which, apparently, I don't have the time or energy to contemplate during waking hours.
Tonight I decided that any effort to rationalize the concept of god is pointless. Joseph Campbell once wrote that "God" is a metaphore; the human mind is not able to truly comprehend and put into words the creative force behind the universe and so we have developed the term god to cover it. This plays into another realization I had a while back where I came to the conclusion that religion and poetry are really one and the same; they use figerative language and imagery to convey great truths that can not be rendered in any other way. This strikes me as liberating because I used to try and come up with a concept of god which was very rigid and logical, but it never worked; what ever I came up with, no matter how good it sounded, always rang false to me. There by, instead of attempting to define god, the best thing that I've come up to say is simply "God is". A simple, open ended statement that really speaks a lot.
...
You see what I mean? Its 1:05 in the morning and I just wrote about my philosphy towards religion. Where the hell did that come from? Why did it suddenly bubble up now? I appreciate my mystical side; it has been one of the driving forces of my life for many years now (at least as far back as 5th grade, and most likely much earlier than that. I have vivid memories of demanding a Bible as a gift for my First Communion, and forcing my parents to read it to me. I was also the same child that became obsessed with mythology at roughly the age of 4 and haven't stopped loving it since. Greek Myths were some of my favorite bedtime stories). However, why must this side manifest itself when I should be sleeping!? Am I really that mascocistic that my mind enjoys going this to me?
In my last journal I claimed that I wasn't stressed out; I think I was lying or at least unaware of it. Lately I've been developing cramps in my right leg and shoulders/neck. When ever I begin to feel stressed out and tense about life, those are the first places I feel it. The odd thing is, however, is that I don't know what I'm stressed about; my year is running smoother than last, its going to be my last one up here one way or another. I'm lonely, yes, and I don't have too many people to talk to up here; I've been napping after school simply from lack of anything better to do (but not tonight! So that doesn't explain the insomnia). But does that equal stress? I'm not sure.
In other news, I ran into Donelle on-line tonight. For those of you unfamiliar; Donelle was the girl I was head over heels, madly in love with during High School. We hadn't talked in over a year, so it was nice catching up with her; apparently we'd both been thinking about one another as of late. She even had bought me a gift to "remind you of me and Wisconsin" and needed my address to send it to. I'm actually really touched that she was thinking of me
Anyway, despite the fact that we never got together and I got over her years ago, there was a momentary twinge when I found out she was single again *laughs* some habits die hard!
Oh yes, one of my students drew a threatening picture of me while in detention the other day. *rolls eyes* I'm not particularly worried; just irritated.
Anyway, I think the Nite Quil might be kicking in now, so I'm going to try to get some sleep. I'm sure I'll be back if it doesn't work. G'night...or morning at this point.
As I said, the problem is not that I'm not tired, because I am; the problem seems to be that when ever I lay down and close my eyes, my mind kicks into overdrive. Finally with some time to think, I begin going over all the events of the day, the things that need to be done, humanities relation to the universe, my conception of god and religion, how I miss home. A wide variety of topics which, apparently, I don't have the time or energy to contemplate during waking hours.
Tonight I decided that any effort to rationalize the concept of god is pointless. Joseph Campbell once wrote that "God" is a metaphore; the human mind is not able to truly comprehend and put into words the creative force behind the universe and so we have developed the term god to cover it. This plays into another realization I had a while back where I came to the conclusion that religion and poetry are really one and the same; they use figerative language and imagery to convey great truths that can not be rendered in any other way. This strikes me as liberating because I used to try and come up with a concept of god which was very rigid and logical, but it never worked; what ever I came up with, no matter how good it sounded, always rang false to me. There by, instead of attempting to define god, the best thing that I've come up to say is simply "God is". A simple, open ended statement that really speaks a lot.
...
You see what I mean? Its 1:05 in the morning and I just wrote about my philosphy towards religion. Where the hell did that come from? Why did it suddenly bubble up now? I appreciate my mystical side; it has been one of the driving forces of my life for many years now (at least as far back as 5th grade, and most likely much earlier than that. I have vivid memories of demanding a Bible as a gift for my First Communion, and forcing my parents to read it to me. I was also the same child that became obsessed with mythology at roughly the age of 4 and haven't stopped loving it since. Greek Myths were some of my favorite bedtime stories). However, why must this side manifest itself when I should be sleeping!? Am I really that mascocistic that my mind enjoys going this to me?
In my last journal I claimed that I wasn't stressed out; I think I was lying or at least unaware of it. Lately I've been developing cramps in my right leg and shoulders/neck. When ever I begin to feel stressed out and tense about life, those are the first places I feel it. The odd thing is, however, is that I don't know what I'm stressed about; my year is running smoother than last, its going to be my last one up here one way or another. I'm lonely, yes, and I don't have too many people to talk to up here; I've been napping after school simply from lack of anything better to do (but not tonight! So that doesn't explain the insomnia). But does that equal stress? I'm not sure.
In other news, I ran into Donelle on-line tonight. For those of you unfamiliar; Donelle was the girl I was head over heels, madly in love with during High School. We hadn't talked in over a year, so it was nice catching up with her; apparently we'd both been thinking about one another as of late. She even had bought me a gift to "remind you of me and Wisconsin" and needed my address to send it to. I'm actually really touched that she was thinking of me
Anyway, despite the fact that we never got together and I got over her years ago, there was a momentary twinge when I found out she was single again *laughs* some habits die hard!
Oh yes, one of my students drew a threatening picture of me while in detention the other day. *rolls eyes* I'm not particularly worried; just irritated.
Anyway, I think the Nite Quil might be kicking in now, so I'm going to try to get some sleep. I'm sure I'll be back if it doesn't work. G'night...or morning at this point.
phoenixgirl:
wow, it sounds like you were writing about me!!!....I am EXACTLY the same, I can sleep for hours, its just the getting to sleep thats the problem, i lay down, the mind clicks on, and purely random thoughts go by, everything and anything!!...just like you!...i have been using over the counter sleep stuff a bit, some nights it works, other nights it doesnt, i have been trying to relax when i go to bed, but it can be tough....when i get some extra money i am going to buy a cd alarm clock and get some of those nature sounds cd's and see if that helps at all........here's to sleep!!!