(A board room. Three MEN, the PRESIDENT, and two VICE-PRESIDENTS, all in their 60's, sit at the end of a long oak table. A woman, SARA, sits at the other end. All are professionally dressed.)
PRESIDENT
Fire him. I don't see the conflict here.
VICE-PRESIDENT #2
What if he starts harassing people? Think of the lawsuits!
(The last VICE-PRESIDENT is silent. SARA takes a sip of the water in front of her.)
SARA
I understand, gentlemen. But, if this were that clean-cut, I wouldn't have bothered you this morning.
VICE-PRESIDENT #2
Coming to work drunk everyday is not something that will be tolerated here at Advent Advertising.
SARA
But sir, it's Tom.
(VICE-PRESIDENT #1 slumps back in his chair, chewing on his nails.)
VICE-PRESIDENT #2
I don't care if he's Adam! Get him out of here!
(VICE-PRESIDENT #2 notices VICE-PRESIDENT #1's reaction.)
VICE-PRESIDENT #2
What?!
(VICE-PRESIDENT #1 shifts in his chair.)
VICE-PRESIDENT #1
Tom. Tom Blane. He did the Super-bowl spot back in '96... he put the company on the map, he's written half of our stuff since.
(The other two men settle back into their chairs, raising their eyebrows.)
PRESIDENT
Is he going through a divorce or something? Can we give him a few weeks off?
SARA
He's not married.
VICE-PRESIDENT #1
How's his work since these problems started?
SARA
...It's quite possibly some of his best.
VICE-PRESIDENT #2
I've heard complaints that this guy comes to work in his pajamas and can't even remember where his office is! We don't need this stain on our company! Lose him!
VICE-PRESIDENT #1
If we lose him,... we could lose clients. Big ones. For christ's sake, he helped get Sprite out of the ground when they were already six feet under. Where he goes, they may follow.
SARA
There is one more thing. There is a woman he's been,... paying a bit too much attention to.
VICE-PRESIDENT #2
Great. We're fucked either way now.
PRESIDENT
Now, now, gentlemen. Sara, I want you to feel him out. See if you can convince him of rehab, or figure out why he's... like this. And, this woman you speak of, maybe she enjoys his advances? And if not, we could always transfer her to another department that we... suddenly need help in. Obviously with a raise in salary. Use your best judgment.
(SARA stands, pushes in her chair, and heads for the door.)
SARA
Thank you gentlemen.
PRESIDENT
And, Sara?
SARA
Yes?
PRESIDENT
I'm making this your decision. You make it a good one. I want this situation resolved. Quickly.
(SARA nods and walks out.)
(We're now in a bustling office. TOM walks in, wearing a suit in the worst possible way to wear it. His shirt is missing buttons, it's not tucked in and he's wearing old tennis shoes. TOM sings while twirling a cane, holding a briefcase in the other hand.)
TOM
I'm lauuuughin' at the clouds, so darrrrrk, up above...
SARA
TOM!
(TOM continues to sing as he strolls into her office.)
TOM
And I'm singin', just singin', in the raiiiiiiiin... do do do doo, do do do do do dooo...
(TOM enters, SARA shuts the door.)
TOM
Thank you for that wonderful welcome, Sara, just like mom used to make!
SARA
Tom, are you trying to get fired?
TOM
I don't try, Sara. I just, do.
SARA
Soooo, whiskey your favorite drink?
TOM
Yeah, how'd ya know, ya got any?
SARA
No, I don't have any, but it does smell like someone just poured out an entire bottle of it on my carpet as soon as you walked in.
TOM
Alcohol abuse. Such a tragedy...
SARA
Tom, I'm serious, what's going on with you? Do you need help?
TOM
No, I'm doing quite good actually. That whole "sober" thing was getting me down.
SARA
Tom, we can't work with a drunk. You know that. We're gonna have to let you go if you can't get it together.
TOM
Guess that means I'll have to get a job at another company.
SARA
After we tell them why we let you go? No one will hire you, Tom. You need to get your act together.
(TOM slaps his briefcase down on the table, then opens it up. Papers fall out.)
TOM
Sara, do you know what this is?
SARA
Seems to be a stack of papers you just cluttered my nice desk with.
TOM
On the contrary, these are scripts. 30... of them. That I finished, last night, and, this morning. I even caught a little bit of Clockwork Orange, great fuckin' movie. Have you seen?
(SARA tries not to look at the mound of papers on her desk.)
SARA
Look, Tom, if we don't get you into AA, you're going to have a hell of a time finding another job, no matter how much work you do.
TOM
Or how good it is?
SARA
Yes, or how good it is.
TOM
Did you put the "AA" and "hell" in the same sentence on purpose?
SARA
What?... No...
TOM
Because you do know that AA is a bunch of christian freaks replacing their addiction to liquor with an addiction to God? Well that and support groups...
SARA
Well maybe that isn't a bad idea. Being addicted to God is a lot better than being addicted to bourbon.
(TOM rolls his head back in laughter.)
TOM
Oh, oh! That's rich! I can't believe you just said that! You, my darling, you're going straight to fucking hell with me!
SARA
Care to explain yourself before I get security to escort you out of the building, Tom?
TOM
You work at one of the largest advertising companies in New York. Your main job is to make the masses feel horrible about themselves if they don't have our client's product! We make human nature disgusting in order to make money! We make a mockery out of what God created!
SARA
No, we're a business, Tom. They want the products, we sell them the best one.
TOM
Oh, Jesus, are you still choking on that mantra? I've seen two commercials I've written, one for weight-loss pills and one for some sugarbomb soda, played back to back on the same station. I've had a size two supermodel promote that disgusting double 6-dollar burger.
SARA
That's not the issue here, the issue is you coming into work so drunk you can barely walk!
TOM
I bought a cane! It's pretty nice, too. I even wrote a commercial for it. It can play during Leno with the drug commercials. The 55+ demographic will eat it up. It'll sell as long as we get Jack Nicholson or Harrison Ford to use one in their next movie.
SARA
Tom, I need to know, are we going to get you into rehab, or are we gonna have to let you go?
TOM
Sara, are you ready to fire the guy that made this company what it is because he comes in late and has a shoddy dress code? Unless you can name anything else wrong I've done while drunk?
SARA
Well, you have been a little too aggressive with some of the women here.
TOM
That is a complete fabrication. I've been aggressive with you only. Don't let those homely bitches out there tell you anything more. I'm infatuated with you, no one else.
SARA
You know there's no dating within the company.
TOM
I think the relics upstairs would make an exception in our case.
(SARA sits on the edge of her desk, letting out a sigh.)
SARA
Will you go to rehab? It doesn't have to be AA.
TOM
If you realized that we are getting paid tons of money to be the scum of the earth, to facilitate the decay of our society, to train people from birth to feel inept if they don't fully contribute to capitalism, you'd be a drunk too.
(SARA looks down to the stack of scripts on her desk.)
SARA
Tom, get out of here.
(TOM gets up and heads for the door. He leaves his briefcase behind. He twirls his cane).
SARA
And, Tom? Could you do me a small favor?
(TOM stops twirling his cane and whirls around.)
TOM
For you, Sara? Anything.
(SARA goes to her cabinet, opens the doors and pulls out a bottle of GREY GOOSE VODKA. She sets it down on the table, along with two shot glasses. She fills them both, holding one out to TOM).
SARA
Start drinking vodka. You can't smell it, and the hangovers aren't as bad.
(They both take the shot, neither flinch.)
SARA
See you tomorrow?
TOM
Tomorrow it is.
SARA
One more thing?
(SARA massages her temples, staring at the scripts on her desk.)
SARA
No, I've never seen "A Clockwork Orange."
TOM
My place, around seven?
SARA
Seven it is.
(TOM smiles, twirling his cane again, heading for the door.)
TOM
Do do do doo, do do do do do doo.
PRESIDENT
Fire him. I don't see the conflict here.
VICE-PRESIDENT #2
What if he starts harassing people? Think of the lawsuits!
(The last VICE-PRESIDENT is silent. SARA takes a sip of the water in front of her.)
SARA
I understand, gentlemen. But, if this were that clean-cut, I wouldn't have bothered you this morning.
VICE-PRESIDENT #2
Coming to work drunk everyday is not something that will be tolerated here at Advent Advertising.
SARA
But sir, it's Tom.
(VICE-PRESIDENT #1 slumps back in his chair, chewing on his nails.)
VICE-PRESIDENT #2
I don't care if he's Adam! Get him out of here!
(VICE-PRESIDENT #2 notices VICE-PRESIDENT #1's reaction.)
VICE-PRESIDENT #2
What?!
(VICE-PRESIDENT #1 shifts in his chair.)
VICE-PRESIDENT #1
Tom. Tom Blane. He did the Super-bowl spot back in '96... he put the company on the map, he's written half of our stuff since.
(The other two men settle back into their chairs, raising their eyebrows.)
PRESIDENT
Is he going through a divorce or something? Can we give him a few weeks off?
SARA
He's not married.
VICE-PRESIDENT #1
How's his work since these problems started?
SARA
...It's quite possibly some of his best.
VICE-PRESIDENT #2
I've heard complaints that this guy comes to work in his pajamas and can't even remember where his office is! We don't need this stain on our company! Lose him!
VICE-PRESIDENT #1
If we lose him,... we could lose clients. Big ones. For christ's sake, he helped get Sprite out of the ground when they were already six feet under. Where he goes, they may follow.
SARA
There is one more thing. There is a woman he's been,... paying a bit too much attention to.
VICE-PRESIDENT #2
Great. We're fucked either way now.
PRESIDENT
Now, now, gentlemen. Sara, I want you to feel him out. See if you can convince him of rehab, or figure out why he's... like this. And, this woman you speak of, maybe she enjoys his advances? And if not, we could always transfer her to another department that we... suddenly need help in. Obviously with a raise in salary. Use your best judgment.
(SARA stands, pushes in her chair, and heads for the door.)
SARA
Thank you gentlemen.
PRESIDENT
And, Sara?
SARA
Yes?
PRESIDENT
I'm making this your decision. You make it a good one. I want this situation resolved. Quickly.
(SARA nods and walks out.)
(We're now in a bustling office. TOM walks in, wearing a suit in the worst possible way to wear it. His shirt is missing buttons, it's not tucked in and he's wearing old tennis shoes. TOM sings while twirling a cane, holding a briefcase in the other hand.)
TOM
I'm lauuuughin' at the clouds, so darrrrrk, up above...
SARA
TOM!
(TOM continues to sing as he strolls into her office.)
TOM
And I'm singin', just singin', in the raiiiiiiiin... do do do doo, do do do do do dooo...
(TOM enters, SARA shuts the door.)
TOM
Thank you for that wonderful welcome, Sara, just like mom used to make!
SARA
Tom, are you trying to get fired?
TOM
I don't try, Sara. I just, do.
SARA
Soooo, whiskey your favorite drink?
TOM
Yeah, how'd ya know, ya got any?
SARA
No, I don't have any, but it does smell like someone just poured out an entire bottle of it on my carpet as soon as you walked in.
TOM
Alcohol abuse. Such a tragedy...
SARA
Tom, I'm serious, what's going on with you? Do you need help?
TOM
No, I'm doing quite good actually. That whole "sober" thing was getting me down.
SARA
Tom, we can't work with a drunk. You know that. We're gonna have to let you go if you can't get it together.
TOM
Guess that means I'll have to get a job at another company.
SARA
After we tell them why we let you go? No one will hire you, Tom. You need to get your act together.
(TOM slaps his briefcase down on the table, then opens it up. Papers fall out.)
TOM
Sara, do you know what this is?
SARA
Seems to be a stack of papers you just cluttered my nice desk with.
TOM
On the contrary, these are scripts. 30... of them. That I finished, last night, and, this morning. I even caught a little bit of Clockwork Orange, great fuckin' movie. Have you seen?
(SARA tries not to look at the mound of papers on her desk.)
SARA
Look, Tom, if we don't get you into AA, you're going to have a hell of a time finding another job, no matter how much work you do.
TOM
Or how good it is?
SARA
Yes, or how good it is.
TOM
Did you put the "AA" and "hell" in the same sentence on purpose?
SARA
What?... No...
TOM
Because you do know that AA is a bunch of christian freaks replacing their addiction to liquor with an addiction to God? Well that and support groups...
SARA
Well maybe that isn't a bad idea. Being addicted to God is a lot better than being addicted to bourbon.
(TOM rolls his head back in laughter.)
TOM
Oh, oh! That's rich! I can't believe you just said that! You, my darling, you're going straight to fucking hell with me!
SARA
Care to explain yourself before I get security to escort you out of the building, Tom?
TOM
You work at one of the largest advertising companies in New York. Your main job is to make the masses feel horrible about themselves if they don't have our client's product! We make human nature disgusting in order to make money! We make a mockery out of what God created!
SARA
No, we're a business, Tom. They want the products, we sell them the best one.
TOM
Oh, Jesus, are you still choking on that mantra? I've seen two commercials I've written, one for weight-loss pills and one for some sugarbomb soda, played back to back on the same station. I've had a size two supermodel promote that disgusting double 6-dollar burger.
SARA
That's not the issue here, the issue is you coming into work so drunk you can barely walk!
TOM
I bought a cane! It's pretty nice, too. I even wrote a commercial for it. It can play during Leno with the drug commercials. The 55+ demographic will eat it up. It'll sell as long as we get Jack Nicholson or Harrison Ford to use one in their next movie.
SARA
Tom, I need to know, are we going to get you into rehab, or are we gonna have to let you go?
TOM
Sara, are you ready to fire the guy that made this company what it is because he comes in late and has a shoddy dress code? Unless you can name anything else wrong I've done while drunk?
SARA
Well, you have been a little too aggressive with some of the women here.
TOM
That is a complete fabrication. I've been aggressive with you only. Don't let those homely bitches out there tell you anything more. I'm infatuated with you, no one else.
SARA
You know there's no dating within the company.
TOM
I think the relics upstairs would make an exception in our case.
(SARA sits on the edge of her desk, letting out a sigh.)
SARA
Will you go to rehab? It doesn't have to be AA.
TOM
If you realized that we are getting paid tons of money to be the scum of the earth, to facilitate the decay of our society, to train people from birth to feel inept if they don't fully contribute to capitalism, you'd be a drunk too.
(SARA looks down to the stack of scripts on her desk.)
SARA
Tom, get out of here.
(TOM gets up and heads for the door. He leaves his briefcase behind. He twirls his cane).
SARA
And, Tom? Could you do me a small favor?
(TOM stops twirling his cane and whirls around.)
TOM
For you, Sara? Anything.
(SARA goes to her cabinet, opens the doors and pulls out a bottle of GREY GOOSE VODKA. She sets it down on the table, along with two shot glasses. She fills them both, holding one out to TOM).
SARA
Start drinking vodka. You can't smell it, and the hangovers aren't as bad.
(They both take the shot, neither flinch.)
SARA
See you tomorrow?
TOM
Tomorrow it is.
SARA
One more thing?
(SARA massages her temples, staring at the scripts on her desk.)
SARA
No, I've never seen "A Clockwork Orange."
TOM
My place, around seven?
SARA
Seven it is.
(TOM smiles, twirling his cane again, heading for the door.)
TOM
Do do do doo, do do do do do doo.
VIEW 4 of 4 COMMENTS
you know how it goes...
i guessed she was masturbating based on the lag time between instant messages, one thing lead to another...
christ, i'd like to avoid that again.
and, i'm not even sure(vis a vie said relationship) that we're through with each other yet. which just makes the crazy even worse in me.
and as for the bourbon.
i've got jim beam black.
god, how much more amazing could i get? i'm the fucking man.