Edited to say I wrote this a LONG time ago...
The Day I Tried to Live
I sit before the fire, engulfed in darkness. My entire life is being played out before me by the brightly dancing fingers of fire. I see my birth, my death, and the time-consuming mass of nothing that took up the space in between. I see myself as a child, bright-eyed, eager to know what the world is about. I see myself dying, a frail, bitter old woman who did not have anything good in life offered to her. What I see saddens me, and I turn away. I do not like to see the future, to see the heartache and loss that I will one day endure. I do not like to know that I will become old, and die alone, my family and friends having left the earth before my very eyes. I decide that I will not let this happen, but I do not know how to change it.
I wander through the eerie, dark forest, feeling at one with the evil that lurks behind every tree, the territory where I have never ventured before. I travel along a strange path, my destination unknown. I walk through the night, and just as the sun begins to rise over the horizon, I find myself on the edge of a massive cliff, above a powerful and beautiful display of crashing water. I sit on the edge of the rock, and listen to the hypnotizing lullaby being played out by the sound of the waves. Slowly, I begin to rock, back and forth, contemplating how it would feel to float down, down, down, over the cliff, and land on the jagged rocks below. I push myself forward, wanting my death more than I have ever wanted anything in my lifetime. I want to die young, cool, and beautiful, not old, angry, and ugly. I do not want to witness the deaths of my children, and be left alone to live.
I fall over the edge, and find myself hanging on to the rock, in control of my life and my death. As I am about to release my grasp, I realize that I do not want to die.I see that amidst all of the turmoil I had forseen in the fire, something dark lurking deep inside of me had kept my eyes closed to the future happiness in my life.
Too late, I realize that, inside of my twisted mind, I want to live.
My aching fingers are slowly releasing their grip, but I desperately attempt to pull myself up. My arms have no strength, and I fall away from the edge, leaving my body to plummet toward its finish. I frantically try to grab at anything, but it is too late. I scream, although I know it is of no use.My fear of dying old and bitter is meaningless, as it is the bitterness in my soul today that is the cause of my demise. I am so close to the water that I can feel the rising mist, can taste its saltiness. The rocks enter my body, tearing away at my body and soul in a matter of seconds. My life is gone, there is nothing left.
Once again, I am engulfed in darkness.
The Day I Tried to Live
I sit before the fire, engulfed in darkness. My entire life is being played out before me by the brightly dancing fingers of fire. I see my birth, my death, and the time-consuming mass of nothing that took up the space in between. I see myself as a child, bright-eyed, eager to know what the world is about. I see myself dying, a frail, bitter old woman who did not have anything good in life offered to her. What I see saddens me, and I turn away. I do not like to see the future, to see the heartache and loss that I will one day endure. I do not like to know that I will become old, and die alone, my family and friends having left the earth before my very eyes. I decide that I will not let this happen, but I do not know how to change it.
I wander through the eerie, dark forest, feeling at one with the evil that lurks behind every tree, the territory where I have never ventured before. I travel along a strange path, my destination unknown. I walk through the night, and just as the sun begins to rise over the horizon, I find myself on the edge of a massive cliff, above a powerful and beautiful display of crashing water. I sit on the edge of the rock, and listen to the hypnotizing lullaby being played out by the sound of the waves. Slowly, I begin to rock, back and forth, contemplating how it would feel to float down, down, down, over the cliff, and land on the jagged rocks below. I push myself forward, wanting my death more than I have ever wanted anything in my lifetime. I want to die young, cool, and beautiful, not old, angry, and ugly. I do not want to witness the deaths of my children, and be left alone to live.
I fall over the edge, and find myself hanging on to the rock, in control of my life and my death. As I am about to release my grasp, I realize that I do not want to die.I see that amidst all of the turmoil I had forseen in the fire, something dark lurking deep inside of me had kept my eyes closed to the future happiness in my life.
Too late, I realize that, inside of my twisted mind, I want to live.
My aching fingers are slowly releasing their grip, but I desperately attempt to pull myself up. My arms have no strength, and I fall away from the edge, leaving my body to plummet toward its finish. I frantically try to grab at anything, but it is too late. I scream, although I know it is of no use.My fear of dying old and bitter is meaningless, as it is the bitterness in my soul today that is the cause of my demise. I am so close to the water that I can feel the rising mist, can taste its saltiness. The rocks enter my body, tearing away at my body and soul in a matter of seconds. My life is gone, there is nothing left.
Once again, I am engulfed in darkness.
is this a reflection on the meeting?