Tuesday Dec 14, 2010

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Today was a really okay day but as soon as I stepped thru the door and acutally sat down to eat.
I started feeling bad .I cook my own meals.The voice in my head kept telling me how many more bites .How much sodium,fat,carbs are in that bowl of whatever your eating.

Grabbing a glass of water i kept drinking after each bite i wen thru 3 glasses of water.
I knew what was going to happen I walked into the bathroom staring at my reflection picking myself apart. stepped on the scale 97.0 I started shaking my chest started pounding here it comes the anxiety attack.

My voice finally surfaced with horrible words Your worthless,Disgusting,I started grabbing my sides my thighs.Staring at the toilet wanting to touch turn the sink on and just try too and purge .

But the anna came along and just said just starve yourself for a couple of days you'll be okay don't resort to rotting your teeth away.Feeling cold like usual I walked out of the bathroom the thought still kept coming and going.I couldn't deal with it much longer i walked into the shower and started crying I kept thinking of words and hurt and frustration. I wanted to puke so badly I wanted to start starving myself .

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME
I kept thinking maybe my depression is fucking with me maybe this thought of change was just lie or just a massive happy trip. I won't let it fucking win I can't fail myself.blackeyed
blossy:
Hang in there, really. It's not ever easy and for awhile you get all sorts of numb about it. There isn't anything "wrong" with you per se. You're strong enough to be healthy, the ED just keeps talking to you. I pushed it out of my head for a long while and went too far in the other direction and that isn't exactly not an ED as well, I went from one extreme to another and when I look at myself I freak out at times now but I know that despite it all I can be healthy and I will be healthy and you will too.

Change is hard no matter what sort of change it is, changing from ED to healthy is the hardest change I've ever experienced in my life. I knew I had to do it though because ED killed me, well I killed me because of my ED. I was dead for several minutes, my heart gave out. That was 13 years ago, I went in the other extreme after I got out of inpatient and I am kicking myself for that too, however I do know one thing being in this world is much more preferable to me than being a skinny corpse. Seriously if you ever need to just vent it all out with someone, please don't hesitate to contact me. If you just need someone to text about it or whatever I can send you my phone # in a pm here.

Good luck to you, seriously.
andthen:
Dear D,

I suspect there is nothing wrong with you as a person, but as Blossom said, ED can do a number on the way a person thinks about themselves and judges themselves. I get the sense that otherwise, you are a pretty authentic human being, and probably not deserving of all the doubt and self-hate an ED can fill a person with. All those messages : they suck, but what can a person do when they intrude so strongly in the way they do ?

I guess I don't have to tell you that a person can have bad days and good days, and while things stink today, I hope you can trust that it's not proper to judge the wholeness of your life or your self because ED is jacking you around today. While this is some pretty intense shit, it's by no means all that you are, nor is it necessarily something that you are doomed to endure forever. As Blossom said, it can be possible for a person to bring themselves away from this stuff, even if, at the time, that idea seems impossible.

Hugs your way, and have faith, OK ?

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