meh suddenly my life has become a serious of moments that propel me two steps forward and one back...
argh!
ummm so just now my mom started her homo Nazi thing again. she found a pin on my bag that said "i <3 female orgasm" and flipped. the frustrating thing is. It's not supposed to be a gay thing... that i can attest too. i got the pin for free because i helped with the event at school. It's basically an event where we have these speakers come and talk about women's sexual health. The irony is that they are pretty "normal people" working under and unusual name. They're a husband an wife duo who's main goal is to make the female's pleasure in sex less of a taboo. First the woman talks about her tumultuous journey through life without an orgasm (lol), then she talks about self discovery and finally meeting a guy who got it. Then the husband talks about how it's not any less manly for a man to be concerned with his wife's sexual healthy. He argues that the more you are interested the better the sex lol. Blah....point being It's not a gay thing!!!! At worse i was being a pretentious loser with a million causes pinned to my bag.
I'm just soo annoyed with my mom. I respect her way less, for the way she is handling this. She uses language to discuss these things that cut wounds soooooo deep u have no idea. It's the kind of shit that makes me sooooo angry at the universe...like seriously. With all the disadvantages i have in life....gay too FUCK!. My mom said some fucked up shit like. "if you are gay your life would be like the spruce tree outside prune yourself" ( we have a diseased spruce in our front yard it's slowly but surely dieing, it started at the base and through the years has spread all over.) my mom views homosexuality as a disease that slowly and surely will mess up your life until ultimately you die. she also said shit like " for U ...it's a choice", " you're gay over my dead body"... meh and suddenly i don't wish to talk about what she said ....i just want to stress how alone it all makes me feel. Alone and angry... extremely angry.
It's like how dare she not love me as any thing but what i am?? Who the fuck does she think she is? How can she be soooo judgmental about something she knows nothing about? does she know that she's not prefect either, that people in the "real world" judge her horribly for having 4 children by 3 different fathers and 2 failed marriages to boot? Does she realize how fucked up it is to say that homosexuality is a choice..... its implies that she made the choice to not be gay even though she was so inclined.
and the threats to kick me out infuriate me too! because if it weren't for her insisting i would have stayed in fucking Vermont. i had a place to crash i could have found a job... and things would have been chinchilla. i did not want to come home. The reality is i hate home. home doesn't feel like home .. because she is making it clear that all of me cannot exist in my home. FUCK HER!
it's just sooooo unfair. i hate that it brings me to tears... i hate that i can't change. i hate everyone and their self righteous judgments. and i hate that i'm sudden;y aware that i am just something to be tolerated. FUCK THAT!
just FUCK everything.
mood currently = FUCk it All.
argh!
ummm so just now my mom started her homo Nazi thing again. she found a pin on my bag that said "i <3 female orgasm" and flipped. the frustrating thing is. It's not supposed to be a gay thing... that i can attest too. i got the pin for free because i helped with the event at school. It's basically an event where we have these speakers come and talk about women's sexual health. The irony is that they are pretty "normal people" working under and unusual name. They're a husband an wife duo who's main goal is to make the female's pleasure in sex less of a taboo. First the woman talks about her tumultuous journey through life without an orgasm (lol), then she talks about self discovery and finally meeting a guy who got it. Then the husband talks about how it's not any less manly for a man to be concerned with his wife's sexual healthy. He argues that the more you are interested the better the sex lol. Blah....point being It's not a gay thing!!!! At worse i was being a pretentious loser with a million causes pinned to my bag.
I'm just soo annoyed with my mom. I respect her way less, for the way she is handling this. She uses language to discuss these things that cut wounds soooooo deep u have no idea. It's the kind of shit that makes me sooooo angry at the universe...like seriously. With all the disadvantages i have in life....gay too FUCK!. My mom said some fucked up shit like. "if you are gay your life would be like the spruce tree outside prune yourself" ( we have a diseased spruce in our front yard it's slowly but surely dieing, it started at the base and through the years has spread all over.) my mom views homosexuality as a disease that slowly and surely will mess up your life until ultimately you die. she also said shit like " for U ...it's a choice", " you're gay over my dead body"... meh and suddenly i don't wish to talk about what she said ....i just want to stress how alone it all makes me feel. Alone and angry... extremely angry.
It's like how dare she not love me as any thing but what i am?? Who the fuck does she think she is? How can she be soooo judgmental about something she knows nothing about? does she know that she's not prefect either, that people in the "real world" judge her horribly for having 4 children by 3 different fathers and 2 failed marriages to boot? Does she realize how fucked up it is to say that homosexuality is a choice..... its implies that she made the choice to not be gay even though she was so inclined.
and the threats to kick me out infuriate me too! because if it weren't for her insisting i would have stayed in fucking Vermont. i had a place to crash i could have found a job... and things would have been chinchilla. i did not want to come home. The reality is i hate home. home doesn't feel like home .. because she is making it clear that all of me cannot exist in my home. FUCK HER!
it's just sooooo unfair. i hate that it brings me to tears... i hate that i can't change. i hate everyone and their self righteous judgments. and i hate that i'm sudden;y aware that i am just something to be tolerated. FUCK THAT!
just FUCK everything.
mood currently = FUCk it All.
raziel666:
it is a shame that your mom isn't as open minded as you are.maybe you need to focus on her good points so you won't be so upset with her.that is what I had to do with my parents when they said the won't accecpt one of their grandkids being gay.anyway I hope you do have a great day.
tadzi:
dont say that you hate that you cant change. you dont have to change. fuck other people. most of them arent worth a shit anyway. gay, straight or otherwise. assholes are everywhere. and in the end the only person you can count on is yourself.