So I've decided to start a blog, not so much for people to read but more or less for me to keep track of all the racing thoughts going through my head. I've been thinking about death a lot. Not suicide or anything like that but just death as a concept. So many people act like it isn't there or like it's some sort of disease that should be cured, maybe I'm too naive to understand but I don't think it should be something that's so horrible. I find it to be one of the most beautiful things there are. Whenever I hear beautiful music or watch a sunset I can't help but think of the end. I don't feel scared but hopeful. I guess I see it as a wake up call for some. It reminds people to live. I've always been a firm believer that life is wasted on the living. Because, it seems, that in death or in proximity to it we realize how beautiful and wonderful life can be. In death you see people for what they really are. That's when you truly see people express love. Unfortunately it has to be through their grieving and morning (redundant I know give me a break). There's no ulterior motive. The emotions you had for that person have to be purged out as if it is cancerous to keep them in. In life there seems to be no way to know how someone truly feels about you one way or another. Human relationships seem so selfish. Why is there a need for someone to share love with? Is it a psychic generosity or is it there fear of being alone or a give and take so one can feel love themselves? Is it a need to give love to give life? If so it seems that that is just another way to escape death by living forever through the life of your family. Is the idea that life is completely meaningless so bad? Or is it one of the most freeing ideas there are? I guess then you would have to assume that if life was meaningless then what meaning is there in living? I guess that's a good question but isn't experiencing being good enough. Try to think of nothing, you can't because nothing is a void a vacuum, you can imagine space and think of nothing but that's wrong, because you're probably thinking of blackness which is still something more than a void. That may be why it is so hard to find joy in everyday life because of the constant sensory overload we feel makes us numb to what we need. We gorge ourselves on MAXIM and MTV BurgerKing and KFC, Horror Films and Documentaries we forget how wonderful the taste of food is because we forget what it is to be hungry we live vicariously through everything else except for our own lives. I apologize I keep using we and us because I can really only speak for my self. I can observe that other people are doing the same as me but I can never truly know what other people experience because what I see is not necessarily true. I can't help but feel full of shit writing this. I just hope that it falls into the abyss along with most of my other unwritten thoughts.
